Just try it.

Today, someone gave me a compliment...

"you have a beautiful smile..."

...and he kept walking.

Now, this may mean nothing to y'all, but it meant a lot to me. He was a stranger...he's never seen me before, & he wasn't trying to "push up" on me. He just wanted me to know that my smile was beautiful.

And I needed to hear that.

Don't get me wrong, I compliment myself on a constant basis. Anyone who knows me, knows that. I think that I have the most enchanting light brown eyes in the world. (even though I can't see...lol)  However, there's NOTHING like hearing that from someone. It's even more special to me when I hear it from someone that cares about me.

I don't hear those like I used to though. I don't hear the "you look greats" anymore. I don't see a simple smile that says "hey, I can't put it into words, but you look awesome". I can't lie...I miss that. When I'm with someone & they're looking nice, I let them know. I tell them that they're looking stunning or that they're smelling great. I tell them....male or female....that they're the picture of perfection.

Who doesn't like to hear that?

Now, don't get it twisted, I don't need a compliment to survive.  I'm just saying that it's nice to hear it every now & then. 

And why DON'T we compliment people anymore??  Is it so hard to stop someone & let a woman know that her shoes are nice...or tell a man that he looks nice in that suit??  Are we so afraid that someone is going to look at us sideways & cuss us out? That ONE compliment may brighten someone's day. It may keep a smile on their face for the rest of the day. It may take them from a dark place to a beautiful one...just because you let them know that something about them stood out to you.

When I see my girls, I let them know that they're beautiful. (They're response is usually "I know!" LOL) When I see my "brothers", I tell them that they look as if they should be on the cover of GQ. It could be the way that a woman wears her makeup or her hair. It could be the way that a man smells as he passes by or the way that his Polo shirt hangs perfectly off his shoulders. If I see someone, I'll compliment them!

Stop someone & compliment them...especially if you care about them. Don't become complacent just because you've been with someone for a long time. That one compliment could become a steamy night of passion...lol.

And Misty, just in case I haven't told you, your eyes have been sparkling more & more lately, & with that smile of yours, you're bound to brighten up any room!

Fantasy & Reality

I know that one of my friends is going to hate this blog, & that's fine. I don't care. This is how I truly feel. This may be one of the most blunt things that I've written, so if you're prudish, go ahead & stop reading right now...

...you're still here? OK...well you've asked for it.

I received a drunk text the other night from someone that I hadn't heard from in a VERY long time. We all know what happens when someone drunk texts...and yeah, the text was very sexual. He said that he wanted my ass in his face. (Oh, NOW you want to stop reading, don't you? I told you that this was blunt!)  When I read the text, I wasn't shocked. It did something else to me though...it hurt me to my core. I sat in my car, in front of my house, & I cried. Not just a regular, quiet cry...I SOBBED!!! I'm talking about my eyes were puffy, nose running, short of breath...the whole nine. Why you ask? If you want to keep reading, then I'll tell you...

I started looking back on my past with men. I can't tell you the last time that I've had a REAL relationship, whatever that may be. I've had men who've had other women (I'm woman enough to admit that, & to admit that I was wrong), I've had men who "claimed" that they loved me, but never proved it, unless it was in the bed. And worst of all...I've been the "friend"..with benefits, of course.

I realized that I have been every man's fantasy. There's no other way to say it. I know how to make a man happy in the bedroom, and that's just the honest truth about it. Somehow, no matter how big of a heart that I think that I may have, it's never been good enough to be in a relationship with someone. I allow them to do what they want because I didn't feel the need to give my heart to someone. And here I am...37 years old...looking back on my life & realizing that shit hurts...it hurts like hell.

Don't get me wrong, I wanted all of this attention...I craved it...I yearned for it...and at the time...I LOVED IT!!!!  In the end, it left me empty...which is why I'm hurting now.

I am the common denominator in all of that though.

(Here's where my friend cringes...he hates it when I say "common denominator"...oh well)

When I say "common denominator", I mean that in every situation that I've been in when it comes to "relationships", every time that it's gone wrong, I am the one factor that hasn't changed. I'm the one that has been a part of all of it...and I'm the only one who can change the way that my next interaction with a man goes.

I don't want to just be a man's fantasy...I want to be his reality as well.

My gift & my curse is my big heart, so even when it was just a "sexual relationship" I made sure that the man in my life at that time was straight. They never looked out for Misty...ever. When I was ill, nothing. When I needed a shoulder to cry on, nothing. But I was strong for them....henceforth why I'm "in my feelings" now. It's ok though....I'm a big girl & I can handle it.

I have no choice.

All that I'm saying is this: at some point I had to learn to love myself more. I have to learn to be ok with being "in my feelings" because hell, I'm allowed to have them. I am worth so much more now than I was back then. I am a funny, intelligent, caring, beautiful, loving woman...and a man has to love that about me before he loves what I can do to him physically.

I am who I am...nothing more, nothing less.  Love me or leave me alone.

Weak, but Strong

As strong as I am for so many people...mentally, emotionally, spiritually...I have moments where I am weak.

These moments are bad...they're horrible. They're very rare, but they are there.

People have called me "sensitive" or "emotional". So what? Am I not allowed to be this way? Is it because I'm so aggressive with everyone else? It doesn't matter...I'm HUMAN & I have my own emotional issues.

I rarely tell anyone about them. I don't like opening up when it comes to my personal shit. I try to handle everything on my own. I try to take the advice that I give to everyone else.  The question is this: who do I go to when I'M having a breakdown??  Who is going to tell Misty that it's going to be ok??

I have to fall to my knees for that answer. I've screamed "OH GOD HELP ME!!!" so many times that He should be tired of hearing my voice. He never is though..He tends to send me someone every now & then.  I call them my "support staff". They all have different jobs, but their jobs are extremely important to "Team Misty".

My best friend, Kelly is the president of the support staff...she doesn't know it (well, she will if she reads this...lol), but she's always been my strength. God blessed me with the most wonderful best friend in the world. I met her in 1990 in the Lincoln High School choir room. Who would've ever thought that we'd still be friends 22 years later?? Because of the distance (she lives in New Orleans), we don't see each other like we used to, but my love for her still gets stronger daily. I really don't think that I've been the friend that I should be to her...she listens to my issues on a constant basis. She's heard my tears, my heart break, my disappointments...& she's always told me the blunt, honest truth. She's loved me, made me laugh, & has always dried my tears...even from a distance. My Kelly Ann is the best...and she always will be #1 in my heart.

Now, I have a few friends & many associates. My support staff is deep...& I'm not saying that they don't love me through my issues, because they do...but Kelly is on my mind on a constant basis. I miss her. I see her in Pumpkin. (I swear they're just alike...lol) She was on my heart more than anyone else. So, if you're thinking "why didn't she say shit about me??"...get out of your feelings! You should know that I love you..I say it constantly. GEEZ!!!

OK...back to my normal ramblings...

Somewhere along this road called life, I lost my way. I've lost it several times. It's only by the grace of God that I manage to get back on the right road. There is still a part of me that's wondering where my life went. Maybe it's because I'm getting older & I'm realizing that the only thing that I've accomplished is raising my daughter. I know there's more to life than this...I KNOW IT! I just have to find it.

I've been on edge lately because I'm wanting to "run away". I know what you're thinking..."aren't you in Houston every other weekend?" And yeah, for the most part, I am. However, I want to do something different...I don't care if I do a "staycation" somewhere...I just need to get away from it all. I feel as if life is starting to consume me, & I have to stop it.

I constantly say "I'm a big girl...I can handle it"...and I am. Sometimes though, that little girl peeks out & wants to scream, cry, & whine so that someone will hear her. And that's when I have my "moments".

I'm allowed...as long as I can get through them & grow from them.

Female Issues

Can you believe it? Another blog within a 48 hour period?? I must really have something on my mind. If I'm writing another blog, well, that should make it obvious, right?

I'm wondering if there's something wrong with me. I don't do the things that a "normal" female would.

Follow me...

I don't get my nails done...you know, the acrylic & all that stuff. A simple mani & pedi will do me just fine. I don't want the expensive purses out there. I'll admire the shoes, but damn, who in the hell decided that stilettos was the way to go? I go for comfort & style, thank you kindly. Clothes...if it's cute & it fits, then I'll buy it. But I'm "frugal", so I'm not paying full price for anything...unless it's my birthday. I'll splurge then.

I have only seen one episode of "Sex In The City" & I didn't understand what the big deal was. I HATE Lifetime movies because they're too dramatic, even for me.  Just look at the titles of those movies: "When She Didn't Come Home" or "Her Dark Secret"...REALLY??  I hate chick flicks & would prefer to watch a comedy or an action movie over them. Why in the hell do I want to watch a movie that will have me in my damn feelings? These hormone pills don't have an "overdrive" function, you know.

I don't get my hair done every other week. I'm so grateful that I went natural over two years ago. I feel sexier with my natural.

Makeup though...I LOVE makeup!!!  That's probably the only feminine thing that I can say that I'll do. Then again, most men approach me when I have NO makeup on. *shrugs*

Does it make sense now??

I've watched women post pics on Facebook of a bag that they want, or some shoes that they bought. I don't mind looking at them, because some of them ARE cute, but would I actually go out & buy it? Nope. I never understood why I should have a $300 bag when I don't have $30 to put in it.

You will probably never see me have a purse that matches my outfit...unless it's black. Everyone knows that black goes with everything.

I've never understood why I'm like that. I remember being in high school & while other girls were in the mall buying clothes, I was buying CD's. (See, there goes that music thing again.)

So I have been wondering if something is wrong with me. Does it make me any less of a woman because I don't do these "female things"? Am I crazy because I don't go "ga-ga" over the latest styles & fashions?

Naw, I think it just makes me different. I see myself as a simple woman who likes simple things. I'm not "average", & I think that I will be alright with that. You can have the names & labels, if that's your thing. I'm not knocking you for it. But for Misty, give me a tank top & some shorts or jeans & I'm GOOD...

...and I'm comfortable too...lol

Musical Interludes

If anyone claims to know me, they know that I love music.

No, I don't think that you understand, I LOVE music! I love everything about it...I love the beats, the words, the way that a voice inflects the pain or the love that someone feels. I can listen to anything, from R&B to country...from gospel to heavy metal. If it has a beat, I'll listen. I post a lot of music on my Facebook wall when I'm in the mood. I had a friend that used to DJ with me until he got off of FB. That used to be so much fun because we used to try to top each other. Good times, good stuff...

Music is the soundtrack of my life. I can listen to a song & it brings back a memory...whether good or bad. I can tell you exactly what was going on at that moment in time. Sometimes it'll make me cry...I'm not talking about just in my heart, I'm talking about real tears...crocodile tears, if you will. Music has influenced my life just that much.

It could be it's because my dad was a DJ. It could be because my grandmother sang in the church choir. Whatever the reason is, music is & always will be my first love. (Well, before the birth of my daughter, but I digress...)

When I write, when I want peace, when I'm angry, when I'm in praise mode...I'm listening to music. It has given me clarity on situations in my life.

Right now, I'm listening to "No Happy Holidays" by Mary J. Blige. I can remember thinking that this song was my life at one point in time. It was so hard to listen to this song because I knew what I had to do. *sighs...*

Another song that brings tears to my eyes EVERY time I hear it is Jazmine Sullivan's "I'm In Love With Another Man". She sang that song so passionately that I cry to the point that my eyes are puffy. I've been there too. I probably could've had someone better but I was so stuck on one person that I let the other one pass me by because I thought that I wasn't good enough for the one that truly deserved my love.

(Shut up...I've made some bad decisions in my life...like you haven't!)

Now "I'm A Mess" by Anthony Hamilton is playing. That old school feel is so serious on this one. Not to mention it sounds a little like a gospel song too. I love this one!

I was told a few months to listen to Smokie Norful's "Run Till I Finish"...another one that makes me shed tears. The person that told me to listen to that has been through a lot, so when I hear it, he immediately comes to mind, & I thank God for His grace & mercy.

Beyonce's "Resentment"....the live version...for this line..."you could've told me, you weren't happy...I know you didn't wanna hurt me, but look what you done to me now. I've gotta look her in her eyes & see she's had half of me...SHE AIN'T EVEN HALF OF ME!!" (I've felt this pain...karma's a bitch people...)

I could go on & on with my love & passion for music. I'm a band geek (clarinet) & I love hearing a great vocalist because I was in the high school choir. If I have nothing, I have music. You want me to relax? Give me music. You want me to stop talking? Play a song. Hell even when I'm drunk I start to sing. (LMAO)

Music soothes the savage beast...& I can get in beast mode a lot...but as long as I have my playlists, I'll be soothed.

The Insomnia Diaries

So here I am...awake, when I should be asleep. Again. As usual. It's 3:12 in the morning & I'm wired. I'm talking about I'm awake like I'm about to head to the mall or something.

I've gotten used to it. I've been like this ever since my surgery last year. After my hysterectomy, I don't think that my sleep patterns have ever been right.  It pisses me off that I can't sleep. I pray for sleep..I beg for sleep. I NEED this sleep!

My mind is racing this time around. Too many thoughts...WAY too many thoughts. Damn this idle mind of mine...I need to pull this together & pray this feeling away.

My legs hurt too. I think that I danced too much tonight. I mean, I had a lot of fun, but I'm regretting it right now because...well...I can't sleep.

Wait...was that a yawn???

Dammit...false alarm.

Back to my rant. I have a lot on my mind. There's a lot that I have to do. Maybe I should write that down. That way I can start scratching things off of that list.

I also have a lot on my heart. At this point though, I don't think that I'll ever let anyone know what it is. I guess I could write that down too just so that I can get it off of my chest.

Yeah...that needs to be done too.

The sad part is that although I need to do these things, I already know that I won't write down shit. This crap will probably sit on my heart & mind until I feel like I'm going to explode...

...and that's when I usually let it all out. Is that a good thing? Nope. It never is. You would think that I would learn that lesson by now. Count it to my being lazy. *shrugs*

I've paced the floor too. I should have worn the floor out by now. It's strange that it's still in tact.

Maybe God is trying to speak to me. He's been coming through loud & clear lately. I'm sure that He's always done that, but I just wasn't listening as I should. Now I hear Him. I guess that's the one plus about my insomnia: I'm beginning to hear my Creator speak to me...telling me to come closer to Him...to learn more about His word.

Gotcha God...I'm listening.

If I could only make some power moves at this time of the night, I could get a lot more done. The only thing that I can do out here is go to Wal-Mart, & that place will get you in trouble. I'm not about to go in there for one thing & come out with 15. I'll stay in the house. I'll have more money that way.

See how random this blog was? I mean, not one word made any sense, did it? This is what happens when you can't sleep. You write about a whole bunch of nothing.

When I get some sleep, you'll be able to read a better blog. Hopefully, that will be soon.

I Know I've Been Changed

*clears throat to sing*...

"IIIIIIIII know I've been changed....IIIIII know I've been changed...."

Ok...that's enough.

I have a lot on the brain this morning. I hate it when I get like this. Luckily for y'all, when I do, I write...so y'all can read.

I've come to the realization that parts of me are changing, & I'm not sure if I like it or not. As a matter of fact, there's a strong part of me that doesn't like it.

I actually hate it.

I wish that I could go back to my alter ego, Bitter Bitch, or, "B.B.", as she was so affectionately called.

Sometimes I want B.B. back..the selfish one...the bitter one....the one who just didn't give a fuck...

...I forced her out. She had to go. But sometimes, I really miss that bitch. She got shit done & checked folks no matter how they felt about it.

The thing about B.B. is that she was always lonely. No one wanted to be around B.B. I never understood why though. B.B. had me strong...feisty...but she had me alone.

But she also showed me how to channel my inner "anger" & let people have it in a different way.

I'm still strong & feisty, but just in a more "polite" way.

I'm not as mean as I used to be. I think that I should be though. Then again, what would that prove? Not a damn thing.

There are situations that I KNOW that I should've completely "gone off" about. I'm talking about cussing someone out, beating someone's ass, the whole nine.  But I don't. I don't know if that's a sign of maturity or not caring.

Then again, it could be a sign of saving someone's life...

...you're welcome.

I smile & laugh through a LOT of pain. You know that saying "smile because you never know who may be falling in love with it"??  Well there should be men madly in love with me because I'm always smiling.

...but if you only knew why I smile so much. If you only knew the hurt inside of me. I don't know how I do it some days. Sometimes I just want to say "fuck it" & just line people up & start telling them everything that's wrong with them. Then again, you could add THAT to my list of faults, right? And I know my faults...unlike everyone else, I can admit that I have them.

I told my "big brother" that I think that I've become numb to things, & I'm not sure if that's a good thing. (I should tell him one day how wonderful of a brother that he's been to me...he always tells me that I'm a goddess among mere mortals...I so love that dude!) I think that in certain situations he would want me to just say "fuck it" & just light into anyone that's ever wronged me. I told him that I am easy to forgive someone, & I think it's because I don't want to have to revisit the issue anymore. Once I've discussed the issue & come to a conclusion, that's it. I don't want to hear anymore about it. I can't move on if I don't let it go.  If I don't I'll hold those angry feelings in & I'll be unable to get them out correctly.

And that's when B.B. would step back in...trust me, no one wants her out.

Sometimes though...I want her back...just so that people would know not to fuck with me...because B.B. is fucking nuts. I know she's still in there though, I know it. It's kinda like Dr. Bruce Banner in the "Avengers" when he said "you wanna know my secret? I'm ALWAYS angry!"  Yeah....that.

I guess she's always going to be a part of me. She balances me out. She keeps me sane.

But don't make me angry...you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

Fair enough warning? ;-)

My Life...MY Life

I've got Mary J. Blige's "My Life" on repeat in my ears...

"say what's on your mind & you'll find in time that all the negative energy it will all cease..."

Negative energy...I've been feeling a lot of that lately.

What did you say? Not Misty???  YES MISTY!!!!  Am I not allowed to feel that way?

I think that people believe that I'm happy all of the time. I'm not. I am most of the time I am though. Right now, at this moment, my heart is aching. I've found myself doing things that I said that I would never do, & I'm feeling like I should go back to the way that I used to be....not caring about shit.

It's like...damn...what's the purpose of my having this big ass heart? Why should I give a damn about anything or anyone? Why do I feel the need to take the weight of the world on my shoulders? Who is going to be there for Misty when she's feeling like shit...

...like I am right now.

I feel like maybe, just maybe, I'm asking for too much. I often expect things from people that I shouldn't, because I put forth so much effort into making sure that everyone else is happy & I feel that they should want to do the same.

Classic mistake.

Even at the age of 37, I'm still learning that everyone may not care about you the way that you would like them to. (I'm not saying that they DON'T care, I'm just saying that you may not be happy with how they go about it.) I've seen it...on the front lines of a "war" that most people are fighting. The question is, do you stay in the war or do you throw up the white flag & surrender?

I've never been one to give up, but I'll be damned if I haven't thought about it.

I've spoken to several people in the past week about relationships...about love & their problems. (Why people come to someone who can't even get in a relationship about these issues, I will never understand.) I can't give advice on the situation, I can only give my honest opinion, IF you ask for it. Truth is, I would rather not give advice on love. Everyone's heart is different, & no one can truly say what they would or wouldn't do unless they were in that situation.

I've found out that people love differently, & if you let people inflitrate your mind & your heart you will find yourself doubting everything that you've ever felt in your life. Sometimes you have to shut the world out & do what you feel in your heart is right, no matter what others may say. They might call you "stupid" or "silly"...they may say that people are bumping their gums about you. At some point, you have to stop yourself & just shut the world out & have a conversation with yourself. No one else's opinions should matter but YOURS.

Back to my feelings...a friend of mine once told me to smile through the hurt, that my smile lights up a room & that if I look in the mirror when I do it, I will see that I'm still strong inside. And maybe I'll do just that once this blog is done. I need to remind myself that I've been through worse & prayed myself through it. I have to also know that I'll be ok...I always am...

"...and you'll be at peace with yourself...you won't really need no one else, except for the man above...because He will give you LOVE..."

And isn't that what it's really all about?? Finding peace within yourself? I'm going to get that back, starting now.

The Playground

Let's go back to the childhood years, shall we?

I can recall in school when the teacher would say to write a composition about anything that we could think of. We would write silly stories about boats, beaches, & playing in the park. Whatever our minds could think of, we would write. Remember hearing the teacher say "Just use your imagination"? Yeah...those days.

As adults, our imagination "leaves", so to speak, & reality kicks in. Here's the problem with that: our imagination has us thinking nothing but negative thoughts.

You know what they say: an idle mind is the devil's workshop....and it definitely is.

We're all guilty of it. Every last one of us. (And if you say "not me", you're a liar.)

When we have a lot of time on our hands, we tend to think of the worst case scenario in a lot of things. We have a lot of "what ifs" going through our heads.

"What if" he/she is with someone else?
"What if" I'm not what they want?
"What if" they fire me from this job?

(add your own "what if" here...)

Well, what if you trained your brain NOT to think about the negative? You keep asking yourself all of these questions & most of the time the answer is pretty simple & NOTHING like you had envisioned in your mind.

Your imagination has gone from being playful as a kid to negative as an adult.

But why? Who told you that you had to grow ALL the way up. (did that make sense?) Yes, you should mature as you grow older, but you have to realize that the ones that live long lives do so because they smile & are still kids at heart. (Random? Yes, but you get my point.)

Somehow, we let life get to us...& when you feel nothing but the negative, it stays in your head. That negative thought then oozes on to the people around us in the strangest way: we take out all of our negative thinking on them. We blame them for things that they haven't even done. They're steadily trying to figure out what they did...when they did nothing. YOU put that thought in your head about them & began to accuse them of things that they didn't do...

Yep, it's all YOUR fault.

Here's another thing: if you have a feeling about something, if you feel like you need to find something out...OPEN YOUR MOUTH & ASK! Is it really that hard? No, it's not. The hard part is that YOU may not be ready for the truth...no matter how good OR bad it is. My thing is this: why sit there & let the devil run, jump, & slide in your "playground" when you could just ask & get the answers that you're wanting?

Think about it...I'll wait. (looks at clock...I don't own a watch...)

Well what do I do, you ask? How about you get a hobby? Read a book? Pray? I know that when I get in that mood, I pray that my Creator takes that spirit away from me. Why spend your time thinking about all of those negative things when you could easily counteract that with a positive thought? Now don't get me wrong, it may take a while to retrain your brain to do so, but it IS possible. You have to find something to occupy your mind so that the devil won't have a field day kicking up sand & playing on the swings.

You have to also understand that if you think negative things, then those things can & will happen. Remember Proverbs 18:21: Death & life are in the power of the tongue. What your mind manifests, so your tongue will speak. Why speak negative things upon your life, job, or relationships? I'm sorry, but I've done that enough in my life. I refuse to keep doing that.  

You should refuse to keep doing it too.

You should decide that it's enough of that. Go back to your childhood. Recall how you use to just play & make up games in your head to make time go by. That's right, use your imagination for the RIGHT things. Just because you're an adult doesn't mean that you have to grow old so fast. Hell I still watch cartoons. Why? Because it keeps my mind youthful...which gives me a youthful spirit. (plus they make me laugh...lol)

Take your mind back...bring your imagination back...speak more life into your life.

Life is short...you might as well enjoy it...mind, heart, body, & soul.

One Question

In my short 36 years on this earth, I've been asked a lot of questions. Some average ("How tall are you?"  "Do you have any kids?"), some just rude ("How big are they?"  "Can I put my head there?"). However, there is one question that I was asked recently that I've NEVER been asked...and I have to admit, it's been on my mind for a minute now...

"When did you fall out of love with me?"

What a question, right?  I really wasn't prepared for that one. Then again, who would be? Usually I'm the one asking a question of that sort. When a relationship ends, I'm usually asking what happened. I've never asked that question though....ever...

...but someone asked me this question, & I didn't know how to answer it.

How do you answer a question like this without the other person's feelings getting hurt more than they already are?

Truth be known...you can't.

I've always been honest when it comes to matters of the heart. There's no sense in pussy-footing around when it comes to love & emotions...so I don't.  This question threw me for a loop though. How do I answer this question, especially when I wasn't quite sure when it happened.

I knew the HOW...but not the WHEN.

The "how": not enough attention, being put on the backburner for everything & everyone else, not listening to me...

...you know, the typical shit.

Then I began thinking...the WHEN started when I never received any of the HOWS, if that makes sense. Better yet, the WHEN really began when I started receiving it from someone else.

Remember the old adage "what you don't do, someone else will?"  Yeah, well it happened...unexpectedly, but it did happen.

I yelled, screamed & did everything that I could to get him to understand what I desired. Nothing. Was I supposed to wait around? I'm getting older, hell. I can't do that...I WON'T do that...not again.

So, after careful thought, I had the honest answer...it's not a cute answer...but it's THE answer...(and the one that he received)...

"Through it all I've been there for you. Anything you asked for, I gave it. A relationship is supposed to be with two people, but for some reason, it never felt like that. I gave & you took. I have no more to give...no more compassion, no more caring, no more love. A relationship is supposed to progress...we never did. WHEN did I fall out of love with you? The moment that you sucked the last ounce of love out of me. The moment when love no longer felt like love, but an obligation because of who you were & what we were in the past. You asked if someone else has my attention, but you already knew the answer to that. If you wanted me happy, TRULY happy, then you'll just let me go like I've been begging you to do. I can no longer pretend that this is ok when it's not. You'll always have a special place in my heart, but I can't continue to argue & cry like this. It's not good, for either one of us. I hope that you understand...if not, then there's nothing that I can do about it."

He didn't like the answer...he hated  the answer...but it was, indeed, my answer.

Never said that the answer was right...or perfect...but it's the truth. Simple & plain.

My Exciting Makeover

I have come to the conclusion that I need a makeover.

It's not a want...it's a NEED.

Now when you hear the word "makeover", you automatically assume that it's a physical makeover.

Nope...I'm sexy enough on the outside. I don't need one of those. Besides, those are expensive. (I'm a healthy sized girl...apparently extra fabric means extra money. Who knew?)

I'm talking about an INSIDE makeover. It's the cheapest of the "makeovers", but it's also the hardest to do.

See, with the physical one, you can go to the store, pick out some cosmetics, clothes, shoes, & accessories. You can go to get your hair "did" & VOILA...you're done! You're looking at yourself in the mirror & saying how cute you are, right? Then you realize that even though you look pretty, you don't FEEL pretty.

You still feel ugly...unattractive...just down right BLEH!

It's ok...I understand. I need an internal makeover...BADLY.

Everyone sees the happy Misty...the one who always has a joke...a kind word...a listening ear. No one ever sees the ugly Misty. She's there though...and when she comes out, it's not pretty...at all.

The beautiful side of this internal makeover is that I can recognize the fact that I need a makeover.

Whoa...watch it...that first step is always a doozy, isn't it?

First things first: I'm going to get back to basics...to where I first learned about love...my Creator. I must get back to a relationship with my higher power before anything else can be done. I learned about love through church. I recently started going back again. My relationship with God is becoming stronger daily. It has to in order for me to take the next steps in my internal makeover.

Next step: forgiveness. I preach a lot on forgiveness. I hate to sound like a Tyler Perry play, but forgiveness is for YOU & not for anyone else. It is for YOUR healing. It is for YOUR internal makeover. There are some past hurts that I thought that I had forgiven...and I really hadn't. Forgiveness has to be a part of the makeover process. If you don't forgive, you will still have an ugly stain in your heart. Who wants that? It's like wearing a white shirt...& that one, itty bitty dot is there. Even though it's small, it stands out on that white shirt....get me? So I have taken steps to forgive those who have caused me pain. Remember that the prayer that we were given states "forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors". I've said it before & I'll say it again...who are WE not to forgive, especially when we are forgiven on a constant basis?

Here's another one: Loving myself. Now don't get me wrong, I think that I'm the bomb.com, but I DO have my moments to where something triggers a memory of someone saying something negative about me. I have to hurry & counteract it with something that's positive. I can recall a time where I didn't love myself at all. My self-esteem was to the floor...well, below the floor. It took a while for me to see the beauty that was within me. Like I said, I have my moments...but they are very few. So when they do come, I can do a fast makeover by giving a small compliment to myself. (I like to say how beautiful my eyes are...because they are!)

While we're on the subject of love, how about I put HOW to love as a part of my internal makeover? I'm really learning this one day by day. I've never loved correctly. Now when I say that, it's because of "relationships" that I've put MYSELF in. I can only blame myself for my decisions, right? Seeing that I've never been in a real "relationship", I don't know how to be spoiled, or how to ALLOW someone to spoil me. (and when I say "spoil", I don't just mean in the materialistic sense...) I don't know what it feels like to be #1 in someone's life. (That is a different blog in itself....that may come later.) Because of the fact that I'm not accustomed to certain things, I realized that I didn't know that I deserved to be loved CORRECTLY. Now that I know that I deserve a beautiful love, how do I love that person back? That may be the biggest process out of all of the steps that I need to take. I'm a work in progress on this step...definitely. I just pray that the person that I end up with has the patience to understand that I'm full of love, but I just don't know how to express it right.

Now there is ONE major issue that I have...I'm not sure if I'm ready to expose that one yet. I may wait a few months to do so. (I have my reasons.) That one will be so serious though...I may only share that with one other person. I'm still pondering on that one.

When doing an external makeover, you have to be very detailed. You have to know exactly what you want to look like once everything is said and done. You have to do the same thing with an internal makeover as well. The beautiful thing about an internal makeover is that you can keep working on it & making yourself more beautiful & positive than you were the day before. I get a bit excited knowing that I can improve on my imperfections. *claps hysterically*

Once I finish my internal makeover, I may look the same, but I definitely won't be the same. Once again...I'm a work in progress. I will be able to smile & mean it. I will be able to be with someone & my heart be full of love & not fear. I will be a brand new me. A sexy inside to go with my sexy outside! :o)

Losing control

I gotta be honest...I don't think that I have this "love" thing quite right.

The sad part is, I'm not sure that I will ever get it right.

I'm not afraid of much...you know, just the usual...dying in water, roller coasters, ants (yes I have a fear of ants. If there's one, there's 10. If there's 10, there's 100. If there's 100, there's 1000...and so on, & so forth.) But hey, I'm not talking about those fears...I'm talking about my one...major...fear...

...falling in love.

I'm terrified of it. No, I mean...REALLY terrified.

If I could pinpoint the reason why, I'd tell you. I COULD give you the generic answer..."I don't wanna be hurt"...but hell, WHO does??

As much as I love seeing people in love, I often wonder if that's for me...if I deserve it. I can tell people all day long to allow love to come into their lives & their hearts. It's strange how you can give people advice all day long, but you can't take your own advice.

I mean really...what is wrong with me? Why do I feel this way? I think I've got it...

You see, I've made so many WRONG decisions on love that I'm afraid to make ANOTHER wrong one. If things ended, I'd be more upset with MYSELF than with the person that I was with.

Does that make any sense?

Here's what's tripped out (and prepare yourself for this one): I actually have someone who wants to care for me. Yes...me. (Pick your mouths up off of the floor...I'm just as shocked as you are!)

So "what's the problem" you say? Well...there is none. It's just...me.

I'm being forced to feel things that I've never felt before, like...jealousy. Yeah, I said it...jealousy.

Oh, and that love thing too. Yeah, not used to this. Not use to loving without restraints...without reservations.

The main issue is that I'm no longer in control. Let me explain that one too...

In every "relationship" that I've ever been in, I've been in total control. I knew exactly how I wanted things to go. I knew that most of these men were weak in some way. Most of the time I HAD to be in control or nothing would get accomplished. It became tiring, exhausting even. It was becoming pitiful: how in the hell do I keep meeting the same type of men? What in the hell am I doing wrong? Then...out of nowhere...I meet...him. Him made me laugh...him made me think...him is just...wonderful.

And him now has "control", and I don't even know HOW he got it.

Don't get me wrong, It's very refreshing NOT to have control, but it scares me at the same time. I guess because I'm so used to having this "control". At one point, I wanted it back. I think that the "independent" side of me still does. But something is telling me to just let him have it. I mean, what am I going to do with it? Is it that I feel as if I'm going to lose myself if I don't allow him to have "control"?

I think back to how all that I've ever wanted was for someone to take care of my heart. Now I have someone who does, and I have to admit...I'm freaking out. No, seriously...I'm FREAKING the HELL out!!!!

Once again...I'm terrified....and I shouldn't be.

Him is awesome.

Him is a sweetheart.

Him is handsome.

Him is intelligent.

Him is caring.

Him is....just...beautiful....inside & out.

And him just wants to love little ol' me.

*blushing starts....now*

Now, him knows that I'm scared because him has called me out on it. Him even knew when I was getting ready to "fall back" because of my fears...but him wouldn't let me. Him just wanted me to know that he understood.

I can't lie...I can't get enough of him.

I just need to understand that yeah, I DO deserve a man to love me. I have to also understand that I can't be afraid of the unknown. (Hey...I just figured out another issue of mine! This blogging thing IS great therapy!) I have to understand that it's ok to be scared, but not to let it consume me.

Like I said earlier, I've never had to face these feelings. Now I have to face them...head on...& show no fear in doing so.

How can I become stronger & conquer this fear if I don't face these feelings, right?

Yep...no fear....not anymore. Only happiness & joy.

I asked God for this a long time ago. I asked God to bring me someone who's going to love me & take care of my heart. Someone who's going to respect me & the fact that I have a smart ass mouth, but I have good intentions. A man who's, not to sound like the India.Arie song, but..well...a man who loves music (him does), a man who loves art (him does), respects the spirit world (him DEFINITELY does), & thinks with his heart (him does that too!). He's blessed me with him...so now I have to thank God & ask him for strength & guidance...& to take away this fear so that I can love him fully.

Him deserves that kind of love...& so do I.