Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Trying to Kick Rocks

*blows dust off of laptop*

Water? Check.

Music? Check. 

*takes a deep breath*

It's been a minute. A long minute. A lot has happened. Just couldn't put my thoughts into words. Truth be told, I'm not sure if I can do it now.  This is an ATTEMPT, so take it for what it's worth.

My blogs have always been my way to get through this thing called life. I just, well, somewhere this year, I stopped caring. About life, about myself. Now, don't get me wrong, I've had a very good first half of  2015. I turned 40, moved, and started a new job all in one week. I can safely say that I LOVE my job, LOVE my new city (well, my 2nd home), and I LOVE the fact that my daughter is now a sophomore at Prairie View A&M University. I watched my niece become valedictorian of her high school, and go to Howard University. I also welcomed my newest love...another niece (my doll!). And I also witnessed my baby sister get married to the love of her life. That was pretty freaking awesome! 

It was what happened in the middle that kinda fucked me up.

My foot. My right foot.

It was a freak accident.  I tore the long tendon in my foot. It usually only happens in athletes, and we ALL know that I'm not an athlete. Only I could do some shit like that. I've realized that I'll have to have surgery. I can't fight it. It stays swollen. I can't wear heels. I often look at it in disgust. I didn't realize how much that this injury has brought me down until recently...when a good friend put it in my face. She told me that I haven't been the same since it happened, that my positive attitude has gone & that I don't smile like I used to. 

She's right.  I don't. It's like, I messed this foot up, and my give-a-damn went right out the window. I'm trying to retrain my mind right now to get back to who I used to be..or a better version of her. This shit has fucked me up...badly. I've cried tears that no one has seen. I'm independent. TOO independent...and that, in itself, has been a gift and a curse.

I'm saying all of this for a reason. I've avoided the notion of surgery because of two reasons:
  1. I don't have enough time to take off from work yet...and...
  2. I don't have anyone to be there for me.
Now, before you all go and say some shit like, "but you have friends and family"...yes, I do. I know this already. That's not what I mean. 

At the age of 40, I sometimes feel that I shouldn't be single. Now, I've had men come in my life, but something always happens, or something turns me off. I feel that, at this point in my life, I should have someone consistent in my life who will be there when I need them. (My big brothers don't count.) It scares me to have to go through a surgery and not having someone there taking care of me afterwards. This may seem silly to y'all, but fuck it. This is how I feel. 

Now, don't get it twisted, I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm just stating facts. 

Then again...maybe it's me.  Maybe I should change who I am. Maybe I'm too much. I love to laugh, I tell corny laugh is boisterous. Maybe I should just be quiet...know my place as a woman. Change my heart and my head so that I can get a man...

...naw, fuck that. This is me, this is who I am. As much as I am all of those things above, I'm also a loyal, kind woman. I listen...well. I have a big heart that will give anyone my last. And that's not saying that I wouldn't be submissive to a man (that's another blog for another day), but it has to be for the RIGHT man. I've spoken to someone in great detail about this, but I think that at the time, he didn't get what I was trying to say...and I don't know if he knew it at the time, but I was in tears while discussing it with him. 

It's hard for me to have weak moments, because I'm so strong for everyone else. (Once again, another blog, another day.) My weak moments are BAD. People never see them. My own closest friends RARELY see them. I hide them well. It could be a moment in the shower. I've even parked my car in a parking lot and just let the tears flow. I release it and try to keep moving. This foot though...


What I've told myself is that I have to keep it moving, bad foot and all. It's a must that I keep pushing, even if I'm limping. I've constantly told people that, no matter what happens, I'm a big girl, and I'll be ok. And I will be. It'll take me some time, but I will be.

(This blog was a whole lot of nothing. Ramblings. Nothingness. But it made me feel better. It served its purpose.)

Monday, March 30, 2015

My "I'm Turning 40" Rant

I know, I know. It's been a while since I've written. Truth be known, I was going to wait until next week to write this, seeing that I'll be turning 40 then. I had some time to think about some things last night, but I didn't have my computer handy. 

I've been contemplating my life. I mean, I'm turning 40...40! I'm a bit excited about it too. I've got to admit, I've put myself through some unnecessary bullshit in my adult life. If I'm going to be honest about it (and we all know that I am), I've slept with the devil on MANY occasions. I knew better. I wanted to do better, but I felt that I COULDN'T do better. I settled for him, for his lies. He would whisper in my ears on a constant basis...telling me that I should just be happy for what I have, whether it was a job or a relationship. And, I hurt. Settling made me...hurt. I remember saying to myself that I should just deal with the hurt because this is my life. Then I remembered...

Proverbs 18:21 - "Death and life are in the power of the tongue"

(No, I'm not about to get all "holy" on y'all...I've got a point to prove though.)

So I started speaking LIFE into my LIFE. Slowly, but surely, my life started changing. I didn't drop as many tears. I began to laugh more. And that smile of mine has gotten HUGE. I removed the negative, added the positive, and watched the sun shine brightly on my life.

Let's get to the kid for a second. Y'all know how much that I love my Pumpkin. She's doing well at Prairie View. She's so freaking funny. If I need a laugh, I call her. She's got goals. She's let me know that she's going to get this degree. And you know what? Ma's going to make sure of that. She informed me that I have to keep going to get mine, and I am. No doubt about that. It's going to take me a minute, but I'm GOING to get it.

I'm in a good place in my life. I can look around and smile. I can pick my head up and see my future. Some days, that strut of mine is like I'm a model on a runway...and you can't tell me shit! Even those days where I don't have any makeup on, I feel great about myself. And if I don't love me, no one else will.

Now, that's not saying that I don't have bad days, because I do. I just approach them differently. I tell Pumpkin all of the time: either you can stand up or stay down. I don't have time to stay down. I've got goals to accomplish.

There are people in my life that have changed my outlook on things. Some have been there forever, some have just entered, and some have been a total surprise. The point is that in some way, shape, or form, they've had a positive impact on my life. I've been blessed with them. I'm thankful for them. They are my support major players...and they are always in my prayers.

So, as I prepare to turn 40 on April 7th, I'm thankful....

I'm thankful that I gave birth at the age of 21, because this child of mine saved my life. Watching her I see what strength is. I'm in awe of her daily.

I'm thankful for my siblings, because, even though I'm the oldest, I look up to them. 

I'm thankful for my parents, because they have shown me what love is.

I'm thankful for my niece, because she shows me how to be humble.

I'm thankful for my crew, because they keep me laughing when I don't want to. (What do you call a deer with no eyes? I have NO eye-deer!!! LMAOOOO)

I'm thankful for my friends, near and far, because they have loved me through the years...and miles.

I'm thankful for every mistake that I've made, because I learned what not to do.

I'm thankful for the broken hearts, the abusive words...because it made me stronger and made me realize that I'm soooooo much better than that. 

Most of all, I'm thankful for God's grace and mercy. I'm not worthy. Not at all. I sin daily. Yet and still, He tells me " this!" and constantly blesses me. 

Excuse me as I do this praise dance. At the age of 40, things are changing for me. I'm walking into my season, and I'm THANKFUL for every step of the way!!!

Come on 40...LET'S GO!!!!! 

(And did I mention that I look GOOD for 40????  Well, I DO!!!!)

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Fantasy & Reality...Part 2

It's been a while since I've blogged. I've had a lot on my heart and mind, I just didn't know how to put it into words. I guess that I should start off by saying Happy New Year, but we're almost into the second month of the year. No sense in saying it now.

I've been revisiting some of my past blogs tonight, mainly because of a phone call that I received from someone today. The blog that I was searching for was titled "Fantasy & Reality". If you haven't read it, you can now. You may need it for the rest of this particular blog...

You know, there are some things that I've done in my life that I'm not proud of. I've always told my parents that I could never run for public office. I have some things out there. (I'll let your imaginations run wild.) My past past...or at least it should be. I think that certain people remember me for the things that I've done in my past...with them. The fact is that I did what I had to do to survive. Could I have called my family? Of course I could have. Did I want to? No. I wanted to do things by myself. 

But that is neither here nor there...

What I got asked for wasn't sex, but sexual in nature. I was speechless but not shocked, not coming from this particular person. Now, keep in mind that I've done nothing with this person in YEARS...which brings me back to the Fantasy & Reality thing. Somewhere along the line, I grew up. I matured. And, most importantly, I realized my worth. I'm not the same person that I was years ago. I'm not that woman. Truth be known, in certain areas of my life, I'm not the same woman that I was last year. (That may be another blog for another day.) So, for that person to say those things to me like I was that person way back when, I became insulted, and I let him know that I was. I received all kinds of apologies, but by that time, I was done. I wasn't ugly about it. I just said what I had to and moved on. 

You see, I've had to purge myself of negative energy. It was something necessary for MISTY. I stopped allowing negative energy INSIDE of me. You have to watch who you connect with physically. You never know what they have going on with them. You have to be extremely careful with that. I've become more selective in my "old age". Don't get me wrong, I DO crave that physical attention, but at the same time, I want MORE than that. I've got a lot of love to give, and I'm sure that someone is out there that is deserving of my love. BUT I'm not going to give my "honey comb hideout" to just anybody. I don't care if you can slang that meat better than a butcher, if I feel your negative energy, I'll keep my sweet fruits to myself. 

I'm stronger than I was in the past (at least I feel that  I'm different...mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. If you're looking for that GIRL from years ago, she's not here. If you're going to judge me on my past, that's fine. You can hold on to those old memories of me, when I was someone's fantasy. Just know that I don't have to allow you in my present...or my PRESENCE...

...and THAT is MY reality.