At work we have a new coffee machine. We got it about 2 months ago. It gives you eight different options for coffee and also gives you hot chocolate. It tastes great. I've tried every last one of them...
...I hate that machine.
I know that you're wondering where I'm going with this. Just roll with me for a second...
You see, I'm the one that does the maintenance on that machine. And that machine is high maintenance. VERY high maintenance. See, with eight different options, it's a lot of cleaning involved. I have to fill that wretched thing almost twice daily. It's like a printer. Every last cartridge has to be filled or it won't work properly. It's stressful. What aggravates me is when people lose their minds when it's not filled. "MISTY!!!! The coffee machine isn't working!" What REALLY grinds my gears is when people are staring at me when I'm filling it. Get out of my personal space dammit!
I hate that thing.
(You still with me? OK, cool. Keep rolling with me.)
In front of that machine, almost daily, I contemplate every bad decision that I've ever made in my life...and there have been many. My coworkers have said that my face looks totally different when I'm in front of that thing. I've been so upset by this damn coffee machine that I've called Morgan and told her that this fucking machine is a reason for her to stay in school and get her degree. She will NOT be in front of a coffee machine trying to figure out how in the hell she got here.
I've thought about the fact that I didn't finish school...the people that I gave my time and attention to....the bad food that I've eaten...the men that I've slept with....opportunities not taken. All of that shit.
And I pissed myself off. Damn near to the verge of tears.
I wonder if the baristas at Starbucks feel this way...
...doesn't matter. This is about me. Me and my shit. And I'm owning that shit. That's what I do. Own my mistakes. No matter how painful it may be, it's mine.
So here's the thing: I have to let that go. It's my past. I can't change that, but I can do something about the rest of my life. I'm taking steps in the right direction, but at 41 years old, these things should have been done a long time ago. I've procrastinated, let things cloud my vision, and sometimes I was just downright lazy. Fear used to play a big part in my decisions as well. And where has all of this gotten me??
Standing in front of a coffee machine. Mad as hell. At the machine, and at myself.
I going to start looking at it like this: my decisions are like the coffee. Sometimes it takes a little longer to brew. But that aroma (my success in life, education, love, etc.) smells so divine, and when I take that first sip, it's going to taste like heaven.
I can't wait to see what my coffee is going to taste like.
(I still hate that machine though. That's the honest damn truth.)