Changing This Settling Mentality

So recently, someone told me that I've changed.

I could have argued them down, told them that they were full of shit, & moved on....but I didn't....

...because that person is right.

I have indeed changed. It's a change that I should've done a LONG time ago. Just like most people, I hate change. No, seriously...I HATE it.

If you don't change, you don't grow. Well....hopefully you'll grow.

I've changed. I'm doing something that I never wanted to do as an adult. I'm growing up. Sounds silly, right? Think about it...we spend our teenage years saying we can't wait to be an adult, only to realize that being an adult is the hardest thing we'll ever do. It's hard because of the decisions that we make...and I've made some fucked up decisions that have come back to take a chunk out of my already flat ass.

I've changed. I want more out of life. I want more FOR my life. And, better yet, I DESERVE more out of my life. I've settled for way too long. I've settled in every area of my life, physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally...and at the age of 38, I've fucked off my life for too damn long. I can't keep doing that. I don't know how much longer God has given me to be here on this earth.

I've changed. That whole settling thing is bothering me more than normal lately. I've looked in the mirror & I've cried so many tears about things that I could start another ocean. You'd never know it though. I hide it well. My makeup addiction helps with that. I look at this child of mine & I'm pretty sure that I've inadvertently taught her how to settle. Nope. Can't do that anymore. She's all that I have. She is the closest thing to perfection that I've done in my life. I will NOT have her settle.

I've changed. I think it's why I chose to go back to school. I tell Morgan constantly that I don't want her to EVER be like her mom. I want her BETTER than me. She knows that the decision to go back to school was a tough one, but she looks at me & I can tell that she's proud of me. I want for her to graduate & then go on to get her Masters. I don't want for her to settle for a job when she can have a career. She deserves better, & I'm damn sure going to make sure that she does so!

I've changed. I'm requiring more from the people in my life. My friends have been saying that I fuss more, and I am. I don't want for them to make the mistakes that I've made. I don't want for them to endure the pain that I have, because I've settled. I want for them to understand that there ARE better things out there in the world. It's a damn shame that I had to realize this at the age of 38. I want for them to understand that my eyes have been opened to something bigger & better. They need to understand it NOW before they are like me...realizing that I'm older & wondering where my life has gone.

I've changed. I'm craving more than what I've accepted in my life. (and I've accepted a lot of bullshit) I can only blame myself for that shit. I'm not going to continue to be that woman. I deserve better than I've had. I'm becoming more vocal about things. If you don't like it, well, you can kiss my whole wide ass & kick rocks. I no longer care. If it's not about my well-being, then move around.

I've changed. My old ass, with my trick knee, smart ass mouth & all, is going to get out there & get what she deserves in life. Better late than never, right?

I've waited long enough. I'm doing what's right for MISTY. If you can't handle the change, then I'm sorry. I can no longer sit around & cry over things that I clearly HAVE control over. I have a life to live. God gave me this life 38 years ago, & it's about time that I showed Him how grateful that I am for this life...by LIVING it for ME.

My Little (Big) Secret

So this blog is going to take a lot out of me. It's one that I've been debating about for a very long time. I guess that I was worried about people judging me because of it, but it is a part of me & it's something that I have to release. I've kept this in for too long, & I'm realizing that this isn't healthy, not for a certain part of my life anyway. So...here goes nothing....

...for most of my dating life, I've been the other woman.

I can hear you now, calling me everything but a child of God. Unlike most people though, I can admit my sins & take responsibility for them.

The first guy that I fell in love with had a girlfriend. (I didn't know it at the time though.) My baby daddy? He was dating someone else & I didn't know it until I was too far gone to let go. Then I left him, he left her, he came back for me, we were a couple, had a baby, I left him, & he left his daughter...fuck my life.

Now, don't get it twisted, I was never one of those who called the house or anything like that. It was enough that I was disrespecting the relationship by just being with the man. I never wanted to meet the kids, never went to the house, never met the family...none of that. I never said anything foul or tried to approach the girlfriend/wife/significant other.

I guess you could say that I "knew my place".  It doesn't make it right, but hell, it is what it is.

It wasn't that many of them either...but it was enough. Enough for me to be ashamed of this.

It seemed like that's all that I attracted. These men made me feel special...yes I fell for the lines. Naivety at its best.

My thinking at the time was this: any issues that they had, don't bring it to me. Take it back home to the one  you truly love. I didn't have to worry about any of that stressing me out. We both know why we're here, so stop playing with my emotions & let's get down to business.

Fucked up, huh?  Yep...selfishness at its best.

Let me first say that I don't have "daddy issues". Sometimes that is the first assumption when a girl sleeps with a man that isn't hers. My daddy has always been in my life.

I guess it could be the typical "self esteem" answer too. And maybe my self-esteem was low. I haven't quite figured that part of it out yet.

What I DO know is that I only wanted one thing, & that was to feel loved & cared for...

....even if they didn't mean it.

One of them I truly loved. I often dreamed of being in his arms forever. His arms were my "safe place" from the hell that I was going through at the time. He was there for me in more ways than one could imagine. He taught me a lot about myself, & for that I'll be forever grateful.

In the end though...I wasn't who he wanted.

He married someone else.

Story of my life.

I have so much love to give...but back then, I gave it to the wrong people. I was selfish & I didn't care about anyone BUT Misty.

I keep saying this, but if karma is indeed real, she's got me in a chokehold. Someone close to me told me to stop saying that because it's that "old time religion" crap. Right now, all that I know is that I'm 38 years old & I've never had a "real" relationship. I often wonder if I'm being punished for the things that I've done in my past by being with men that weren't mine. Then again, I felt that no one really wanted to love or care for me, so I just took what I could & settled for that.

Hmmm...maybe it was my self-esteem.

I've wasted a lot of my life on this mess. I can think of at least two men who were single that truly wanted to be with me. I just never understood why they did.

I don't know what "normal" is when it comes to love. All that I know is that I deserve better than "2nd place". The sad part about this is that it took me a LONG time to understand that.

Judge me if you want. I can't write things like this & not have people make their assumptions about me. Like I said earlier, I can admit to the sins of my past.

I just have to learn not to let THIS part of my past consume me.

Forgiving Myself

Yes, I know that it's been a while since I've blogged. I haven't had the time, nor have I had anything to write about. Well I have, but it's all been jumbled. For the first time in a long time, I have some clarity about some things. I'll blog about those later. There's something that I need to get off of my chest...for Misty.

Misty...no matter what you feel...you are an awesome mother.

Pick your mouths up...there's a reason why I'm saying this.

It recently hit me that my Pumpkin is going to be a senior soon. My baby...a senior! All kinds of emotions run through my head when I think about that. I don't want to talk about those right now. What I DO want to discuss is one thing...a decision that I made a long time ago...

...the decision to sleep with her father.

Sounds messed up, right? Let me explain...

For anyone who has met Pumpkin, they know that at first, upon her meeting you, she's a quiet teenager. That's only because she's getting a feel of the people around her. Once she feels like you're "ok", she starts to relax & lets loose! She's brutally honest, a character, & a comedian. She will keep you in tears with the things that comes out of her mouth. She is, of course, my child.

I just hate the fact that I chose "him" to be her dad.

I could give you the typical "baby mama" responses. You know, the "what he doesn't do" crap. At the end of the day, I made the decision to sleep with him over 16 years ago.

At one point he was the "perfect" father...but things changed.

And before you say anything, NO, he was not always like this. There was a time when their bond was unbreakable. I still don't know what happened...or why it happened...& I may not ever understand it. But that's change, right?

Change is inevitable. Change is shocking. Change can bring you to tears...

...and that change has broken me down on numerous occasions.

I wish that I could say that I've gotten used to it...I haven't. Why you ask? Simply because my Pumpkin deserves better. She deserves a father who loves her & cares for her.

I'm not saying that he doesn't...well...I don't know what I'm saying when it comes to that.

I'm just saying that I feel like it's MY fault that she doesn't have a father in her life, because I feel like I made the wrong decision in being with him.

She has father figures, that's for sure. My dad is her partner in crime. The conversations that they have together are funny & priceless. She looks for him before she looks for me.

At the same time, she deserves her real father. I understand that it's beyond my control. I know that it has nothing to do with me. He's an adult, he has free will, & he can do what he wants. I just wish that one of them was getting to know his only child better.

Everything happens for a reason though. If I hadn't met him, if I hadn't slept with him, she wouldn't be here. She is my ONLY child. I can't birth anymore babies, so I thank God daily for her & for her love...even when she tests me.

(Hey, she IS a teenager, right??)

And for that fact...for that one decision that I made 16 years ago...I sometimes feel that I'm a bad mother. Yes, I should know better than that, but this is how I feel. So, sometimes I have to remind myself of the great job that I'm doing.

So Misty, when you look in her eyes, be reminded that she is a remarkable, intelligent, strong, hilarious, & insightful (she has words of wisdom like an elder) young woman. And she is that way IN SPITE OF not having him in her life.

With the support of your family Misty, you've done a pretty good job!