Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Weak, but Strong

As strong as I am for so many people...mentally, emotionally, spiritually...I have moments where I am weak.

These moments are bad...they're horrible. They're very rare, but they are there.

People have called me "sensitive" or "emotional". So what? Am I not allowed to be this way? Is it because I'm so aggressive with everyone else? It doesn't matter...I'm HUMAN & I have my own emotional issues.

I rarely tell anyone about them. I don't like opening up when it comes to my personal shit. I try to handle everything on my own. I try to take the advice that I give to everyone else.  The question is this: who do I go to when I'M having a breakdown??  Who is going to tell Misty that it's going to be ok??

I have to fall to my knees for that answer. I've screamed "OH GOD HELP ME!!!" so many times that He should be tired of hearing my voice. He never is though..He tends to send me someone every now & then.  I call them my "support staff". They all have different jobs, but their jobs are extremely important to "Team Misty".

My best friend, Kelly is the president of the support staff...she doesn't know it (well, she will if she reads this...lol), but she's always been my strength. God blessed me with the most wonderful best friend in the world. I met her in 1990 in the Lincoln High School choir room. Who would've ever thought that we'd still be friends 22 years later?? Because of the distance (she lives in New Orleans), we don't see each other like we used to, but my love for her still gets stronger daily. I really don't think that I've been the friend that I should be to her...she listens to my issues on a constant basis. She's heard my tears, my heart break, my disappointments...& she's always told me the blunt, honest truth. She's loved me, made me laugh, & has always dried my tears...even from a distance. My Kelly Ann is the best...and she always will be #1 in my heart.

Now, I have a few friends & many associates. My support staff is deep...& I'm not saying that they don't love me through my issues, because they do...but Kelly is on my mind on a constant basis. I miss her. I see her in Pumpkin. (I swear they're just alike...lol) She was on my heart more than anyone else. So, if you're thinking "why didn't she say shit about me??"...get out of your feelings! You should know that I love you..I say it constantly. GEEZ!!!

OK...back to my normal ramblings...

Somewhere along this road called life, I lost my way. I've lost it several times. It's only by the grace of God that I manage to get back on the right road. There is still a part of me that's wondering where my life went. Maybe it's because I'm getting older & I'm realizing that the only thing that I've accomplished is raising my daughter. I know there's more to life than this...I KNOW IT! I just have to find it.

I've been on edge lately because I'm wanting to "run away". I know what you're thinking..."aren't you in Houston every other weekend?" And yeah, for the most part, I am. However, I want to do something different...I don't care if I do a "staycation" somewhere...I just need to get away from it all. I feel as if life is starting to consume me, & I have to stop it.

I constantly say "I'm a big girl...I can handle it"...and I am. Sometimes though, that little girl peeks out & wants to scream, cry, & whine so that someone will hear her. And that's when I have my "moments".

I'm allowed...as long as I can get through them & grow from them.