Sunday, June 3, 2012

I Know I've Been Changed

*clears throat to sing*...

"IIIIIIIII know I've been changed....IIIIII know I've been changed...."

Ok...that's enough.

I have a lot on the brain this morning. I hate it when I get like this. Luckily for y'all, when I do, I y'all can read.

I've come to the realization that parts of me are changing, & I'm not sure if I like it or not. As a matter of fact, there's a strong part of me that doesn't like it.

I actually hate it.

I wish that I could go back to my alter ego, Bitter Bitch, or, "B.B.", as she was so affectionately called.

Sometimes I want B.B. back..the selfish one...the bitter one....the one who just didn't give a fuck...

...I forced her out. She had to go. But sometimes, I really miss that bitch. She got shit done & checked folks no matter how they felt about it.

The thing about B.B. is that she was always lonely. No one wanted to be around B.B. I never understood why though. B.B. had me strong...feisty...but she had me alone.

But she also showed me how to channel my inner "anger" & let people have it in a different way.

I'm still strong & feisty, but just in a more "polite" way.

I'm not as mean as I used to be. I think that I should be though. Then again, what would that prove? Not a damn thing.

There are situations that I KNOW that I should've completely "gone off" about. I'm talking about cussing someone out, beating someone's ass, the whole nine.  But I don't. I don't know if that's a sign of maturity or not caring.

Then again, it could be a sign of saving someone's life...'re welcome.

I smile & laugh through a LOT of pain. You know that saying "smile because you never know who may be falling in love with it"??  Well there should be men madly in love with me because I'm always smiling.

...but if you only knew why I smile so much. If you only knew the hurt inside of me. I don't know how I do it some days. Sometimes I just want to say "fuck it" & just line people up & start telling them everything that's wrong with them. Then again, you could add THAT to my list of faults, right? And I know my faults...unlike everyone else, I can admit that I have them.

I told my "big brother" that I think that I've become numb to things, & I'm not sure if that's a good thing. (I should tell him one day how wonderful of a brother that he's been to me...he always tells me that I'm a goddess among mere mortals...I so love that dude!) I think that in certain situations he would want me to just say "fuck it" & just light into anyone that's ever wronged me. I told him that I am easy to forgive someone, & I think it's because I don't want to have to revisit the issue anymore. Once I've discussed the issue & come to a conclusion, that's it. I don't want to hear anymore about it. I can't move on if I don't let it go.  If I don't I'll hold those angry feelings in & I'll be unable to get them out correctly.

And that's when B.B. would step back me, no one wants her out.

Sometimes though...I want her back...just so that people would know not to fuck with me...because B.B. is fucking nuts. I know she's still in there though, I know it. It's kinda like Dr. Bruce Banner in the "Avengers" when he said "you wanna know my secret? I'm ALWAYS angry!"  Yeah....that.

I guess she's always going to be a part of me. She balances me out. She keeps me sane.

But don't make me wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

Fair enough warning? ;-)