Friday, March 23, 2012

One Question

In my short 36 years on this earth, I've been asked a lot of questions. Some average ("How tall are you?"  "Do you have any kids?"), some just rude ("How big are they?"  "Can I put my head there?"). However, there is one question that I was asked recently that I've NEVER been asked...and I have to admit, it's been on my mind for a minute now...

"When did you fall out of love with me?"

What a question, right?  I really wasn't prepared for that one. Then again, who would be? Usually I'm the one asking a question of that sort. When a relationship ends, I'm usually asking what happened. I've never asked that question though....ever...

...but someone asked me this question, & I didn't know how to answer it.

How do you answer a question like this without the other person's feelings getting hurt more than they already are?

Truth be can't.

I've always been honest when it comes to matters of the heart. There's no sense in pussy-footing around when it comes to love & I don't.  This question threw me for a loop though. How do I answer this question, especially when I wasn't quite sure when it happened.

I knew the HOW...but not the WHEN.

The "how": not enough attention, being put on the backburner for everything & everyone else, not listening to me... know, the typical shit.

Then I began thinking...the WHEN started when I never received any of the HOWS, if that makes sense. Better yet, the WHEN really began when I started receiving it from someone else.

Remember the old adage "what you don't do, someone else will?"  Yeah, well it happened...unexpectedly, but it did happen.

I yelled, screamed & did everything that I could to get him to understand what I desired. Nothing. Was I supposed to wait around? I'm getting older, hell. I can't do that...I WON'T do that...not again.

So, after careful thought, I had the honest's not a cute answer...but it's THE answer...(and the one that he received)...

"Through it all I've been there for you. Anything you asked for, I gave it. A relationship is supposed to be with two people, but for some reason, it never felt like that. I gave & you took. I have no more to more compassion, no more caring, no more love. A relationship is supposed to progress...we never did. WHEN did I fall out of love with you? The moment that you sucked the last ounce of love out of me. The moment when love no longer felt like love, but an obligation because of who you were & what we were in the past. You asked if someone else has my attention, but you already knew the answer to that. If you wanted me happy, TRULY happy, then you'll just let me go like I've been begging you to do. I can no longer pretend that this is ok when it's not. You'll always have a special place in my heart, but I can't continue to argue & cry like this. It's not good, for either one of us. I hope that you understand...if not, then there's nothing that I can do about it."

He didn't like the answer...he hated  the answer...but it was, indeed, my answer.

Never said that the answer was right...or perfect...but it's the truth. Simple & plain.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

My Exciting Makeover

I have come to the conclusion that I need a makeover.

It's not a's a NEED.

Now when you hear the word "makeover", you automatically assume that it's a physical makeover.

Nope...I'm sexy enough on the outside. I don't need one of those. Besides, those are expensive. (I'm a healthy sized girl...apparently extra fabric means extra money. Who knew?)

I'm talking about an INSIDE makeover. It's the cheapest of the "makeovers", but it's also the hardest to do.

See, with the physical one, you can go to the store, pick out some cosmetics, clothes, shoes, & accessories. You can go to get your hair "did" &'re done! You're looking at yourself in the mirror & saying how cute you are, right? Then you realize that even though you look pretty, you don't FEEL pretty.

You still feel ugly...unattractive...just down right BLEH!

It's ok...I understand. I need an internal makeover...BADLY.

Everyone sees the happy Misty...the one who always has a joke...a kind word...a listening ear. No one ever sees the ugly Misty. She's there though...and when she comes out, it's not all.

The beautiful side of this internal makeover is that I can recognize the fact that I need a makeover. it...that first step is always a doozy, isn't it?

First things first: I'm going to get back to where I first learned about Creator. I must get back to a relationship with my higher power before anything else can be done. I learned about love through church. I recently started going back again. My relationship with God is becoming stronger daily. It has to in order for me to take the next steps in my internal makeover.

Next step: forgiveness. I preach a lot on forgiveness. I hate to sound like a Tyler Perry play, but forgiveness is for YOU & not for anyone else. It is for YOUR healing. It is for YOUR internal makeover. There are some past hurts that I thought that I had forgiven...and I really hadn't. Forgiveness has to be a part of the makeover process. If you don't forgive, you will still have an ugly stain in your heart. Who wants that? It's like wearing a white shirt...& that one, itty bitty dot is there. Even though it's small, it stands out on that white shirt....get me? So I have taken steps to forgive those who have caused me pain. Remember that the prayer that we were given states "forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors". I've said it before & I'll say it again...who are WE not to forgive, especially when we are forgiven on a constant basis?

Here's another one: Loving myself. Now don't get me wrong, I think that I'm the, but I DO have my moments to where something triggers a memory of someone saying something negative about me. I have to hurry & counteract it with something that's positive. I can recall a time where I didn't love myself at all. My self-esteem was to the floor...well, below the floor. It took a while for me to see the beauty that was within me. Like I said, I have my moments...but they are very few. So when they do come, I can do a fast makeover by giving a small compliment to myself. (I like to say how beautiful my eyes are...because they are!)

While we're on the subject of love, how about I put HOW to love as a part of my internal makeover? I'm really learning this one day by day. I've never loved correctly. Now when I say that, it's because of "relationships" that I've put MYSELF in. I can only blame myself for my decisions, right? Seeing that I've never been in a real "relationship", I don't know how to be spoiled, or how to ALLOW someone to spoil me. (and when I say "spoil", I don't just mean in the materialistic sense...) I don't know what it feels like to be #1 in someone's life. (That is a different blog in itself....that may come later.) Because of the fact that I'm not accustomed to certain things, I realized that I didn't know that I deserved to be loved CORRECTLY. Now that I know that I deserve a beautiful love, how do I love that person back? That may be the biggest process out of all of the steps that I need to take. I'm a work in progress on this step...definitely. I just pray that the person that I end up with has the patience to understand that I'm full of love, but I just don't know how to express it right.

Now there is ONE major issue that I have...I'm not sure if I'm ready to expose that one yet. I may wait a few months to do so. (I have my reasons.) That one will be so serious though...I may only share that with one other person. I'm still pondering on that one.

When doing an external makeover, you have to be very detailed. You have to know exactly what you want to look like once everything is said and done. You have to do the same thing with an internal makeover as well. The beautiful thing about an internal makeover is that you can keep working on it & making yourself more beautiful & positive than you were the day before. I get a bit excited knowing that I can improve on my imperfections. *claps hysterically*

Once I finish my internal makeover, I may look the same, but I definitely won't be the same. Once again...I'm a work in progress. I will be able to smile & mean it. I will be able to be with someone & my heart be full of love & not fear. I will be a brand new me. A sexy inside to go with my sexy outside! :o)