Sunday, November 24, 2013

Changing This Settling Mentality

So recently, someone told me that I've changed.

I could have argued them down, told them that they were full of shit, & moved on....but I didn't....

...because that person is right.

I have indeed changed. It's a change that I should've done a LONG time ago. Just like most people, I hate change. No, seriously...I HATE it.

If you don't change, you don't grow. Well....hopefully you'll grow.

I've changed. I'm doing something that I never wanted to do as an adult. I'm growing up. Sounds silly, right? Think about it...we spend our teenage years saying we can't wait to be an adult, only to realize that being an adult is the hardest thing we'll ever do. It's hard because of the decisions that we make...and I've made some fucked up decisions that have come back to take a chunk out of my already flat ass.

I've changed. I want more out of life. I want more FOR my life. And, better yet, I DESERVE more out of my life. I've settled for way too long. I've settled in every area of my life, physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally...and at the age of 38, I've fucked off my life for too damn long. I can't keep doing that. I don't know how much longer God has given me to be here on this earth.

I've changed. That whole settling thing is bothering me more than normal lately. I've looked in the mirror & I've cried so many tears about things that I could start another ocean. You'd never know it though. I hide it well. My makeup addiction helps with that. I look at this child of mine & I'm pretty sure that I've inadvertently taught her how to settle. Nope. Can't do that anymore. She's all that I have. She is the closest thing to perfection that I've done in my life. I will NOT have her settle.

I've changed. I think it's why I chose to go back to school. I tell Morgan constantly that I don't want her to EVER be like her mom. I want her BETTER than me. She knows that the decision to go back to school was a tough one, but she looks at me & I can tell that she's proud of me. I want for her to graduate & then go on to get her Masters. I don't want for her to settle for a job when she can have a career. She deserves better, & I'm damn sure going to make sure that she does so!

I've changed. I'm requiring more from the people in my life. My friends have been saying that I fuss more, and I am. I don't want for them to make the mistakes that I've made. I don't want for them to endure the pain that I have, because I've settled. I want for them to understand that there ARE better things out there in the world. It's a damn shame that I had to realize this at the age of 38. I want for them to understand that my eyes have been opened to something bigger & better. They need to understand it NOW before they are like me...realizing that I'm older & wondering where my life has gone.

I've changed. I'm craving more than what I've accepted in my life. (and I've accepted a lot of bullshit) I can only blame myself for that shit. I'm not going to continue to be that woman. I deserve better than I've had. I'm becoming more vocal about things. If you don't like it, well, you can kiss my whole wide ass & kick rocks. I no longer care. If it's not about my well-being, then move around.

I've changed. My old ass, with my trick knee, smart ass mouth & all, is going to get out there & get what she deserves in life. Better late than never, right?

I've waited long enough. I'm doing what's right for MISTY. If you can't handle the change, then I'm sorry. I can no longer sit around & cry over things that I clearly HAVE control over. I have a life to live. God gave me this life 38 years ago, & it's about time that I showed Him how grateful that I am for this LIVING it for ME.