I don't know why I'm writing this. I have no idea what I'm about to say. My soul feels like writing, so I am. Maybe I have something to purge & I don't know how to let it out. Let's see how this goes...
Lately, I've been making my friends & loved ones hold themselves accountable for their decisions. I can no longer pacify people, including myself. I want the people that are close to me to force themselves to go to the next level, & not take a lifetime to do so. I'm 38 years old & I've procrastinated most of my life. And for what? Life just passed me by. And now, I'm back in school...again...while my child is preparing to graduate from high school. Who does that? Don't get me wrong, I'm loving the decision that I've made, but I should have done this a LONG time ago. I could say that "life happened", but it would be an excuse. I've given so many excuses in my life. I'm not about to sit around & allow my friends to do the same. It's begun to hurt me to see my friends hurting. And now, because I'm giving them "tough love", I think they're beginning to resent me. Don't get it twisted, I don't give a damn if they're resenting me. I'd rather them hate me than for them to keep making the same mistakes over & over again...
....I'm guilty of that shit. All that it does is cause more pain. If you can stop the pain, then do so. Don't just put a band-aid over it & keep pulling it off of the wound. That shit hurts.
Then there's the negative people. OMG I become ill around people like that! And to think, I was once one of those people!!! Let me thank GOD that He's helping me change my thinking!!! I think it was why I was constantly having migraines...why my life wasn't going right...why I put up with just anything. I had to learn to love ME again. Now, let's get one thing out of the way, just because I'm learning to love me again, it's NOT an excuse as to why I'm single. Oh HELL NAW!!! WHEN a good man comes my way, I'm going to pull out my resume & show him why I'm the right candidate for the job. KMSL!!!!
I've made my share of mistakes. There's one that I've been beating myself up over for a while now. I know that I shouldn't. It is what it is. I can't help but be upset with myself about it. It's my little secret. I'll speak on it eventually, I guess. As for now, I have to stop giving myself a black eye because of this. I have to tell myself that it's a lesson learned, as everything in life is. *shrugs*
If you're close to me, understand that this is who I am now. I can no longer sit & watch someone be unhappy. Me being who I am, I want for everyone to smile. It USED to be that I would be sad & never show it so that others could be happy. I'm not sacrificing my happiness anymore. Selfish? Yep...it damn sure is! However, someone close told me one day that I need to become more selfish...so I am.
Wait...that whole last paragraph was random. Let me try to focus again...
I'm going to call you out on your shit. I think the rational me has left the building. People don't understand being rational. Sometimes you have to say things differently in order for people to get the true meaning of what you're trying to convey. So, I'm going a different route. I'm going to be more blunt in CERTAIN situations. If you're looking for sympathy, I don't have it. That part of me is busted.
I guess that I just had to ramble for a bit. If you read this thinking, "what was her point?"....well...sometimes I don't need one. Sometimes, I just need to rant about absolutely nothing. Ah well!
