Sunday, February 26, 2012

Losing control

I gotta be honest...I don't think that I have this "love" thing quite right.

The sad part is, I'm not sure that I will ever get it right.

I'm not afraid of know, just the usual...dying in water, roller coasters, ants (yes I have a fear of ants. If there's one, there's 10. If there's 10, there's 100. If there's 100, there's 1000...and so on, & so forth.) But hey, I'm not talking about those fears...I'm talking about my one...major...fear...

...falling in love.

I'm terrified of it. No, I mean...REALLY terrified.

If I could pinpoint the reason why, I'd tell you. I COULD give you the generic answer..."I don't wanna be hurt"...but hell, WHO does??

As much as I love seeing people in love, I often wonder if that's for me...if I deserve it. I can tell people all day long to allow love to come into their lives & their hearts. It's strange how you can give people advice all day long, but you can't take your own advice.

I mean really...what is wrong with me? Why do I feel this way? I think I've got it...

You see, I've made so many WRONG decisions on love that I'm afraid to make ANOTHER wrong one. If things ended, I'd be more upset with MYSELF than with the person that I was with.

Does that make any sense?

Here's what's tripped out (and prepare yourself for this one): I actually have someone who wants to care for me. (Pick your mouths up off of the floor...I'm just as shocked as you are!)

So "what's the problem" you say? Well...there is none. It's

I'm being forced to feel things that I've never felt before, like...jealousy. Yeah, I said it...jealousy.

Oh, and that love thing too. Yeah, not used to this. Not use to loving without restraints...without reservations.

The main issue is that I'm no longer in control. Let me explain that one too...

In every "relationship" that I've ever been in, I've been in total control. I knew exactly how I wanted things to go. I knew that most of these men were weak in some way. Most of the time I HAD to be in control or nothing would get accomplished. It became tiring, exhausting even. It was becoming pitiful: how in the hell do I keep meeting the same type of men? What in the hell am I doing wrong? Then...out of nowhere...I meet...him. Him made me laugh...him made me think...him is just...wonderful.

And him now has "control", and I don't even know HOW he got it.

Don't get me wrong, It's very refreshing NOT to have control, but it scares me at the same time. I guess because I'm so used to having this "control". At one point, I wanted it back. I think that the "independent" side of me still does. But something is telling me to just let him have it. I mean, what am I going to do with it? Is it that I feel as if I'm going to lose myself if I don't allow him to have "control"?

I think back to how all that I've ever wanted was for someone to take care of my heart. Now I have someone who does, and I have to admit...I'm freaking out. No, seriously...I'm FREAKING the HELL out!!!!

Once again...I'm terrified....and I shouldn't be.

Him is awesome.

Him is a sweetheart.

Him is handsome.

Him is intelligent.

Him is caring.

Him is....just...beautiful....inside & out.

And him just wants to love little ol' me.


Now, him knows that I'm scared because him has called me out on it. Him even knew when I was getting ready to "fall back" because of my fears...but him wouldn't let me. Him just wanted me to know that he understood.

I can't lie...I can't get enough of him.

I just need to understand that yeah, I DO deserve a man to love me. I have to also understand that I can't be afraid of the unknown. (Hey...I just figured out another issue of mine! This blogging thing IS great therapy!) I have to understand that it's ok to be scared, but not to let it consume me.

Like I said earlier, I've never had to face these feelings. Now I have to face them...head on...& show no fear in doing so.

How can I become stronger & conquer this fear if I don't face these feelings, right? fear....not anymore. Only happiness & joy.

I asked God for this a long time ago. I asked God to bring me someone who's going to love me & take care of my heart. Someone who's going to respect me & the fact that I have a smart ass mouth, but I have good intentions. A man who's, not to sound like the India.Arie song, but..well...a man who loves music (him does), a man who loves art (him does), respects the spirit world (him DEFINITELY does), & thinks with his heart (him does that too!). He's blessed me with now I have to thank God & ask him for strength & guidance...& to take away this fear so that I can love him fully.

Him deserves that kind of love...& so do I.