Tuesday, January 28, 2014

You THINK You Need It

It took me a minute to write this one. I had to do some serious thinking, because I know that many won't understand this blog. Let me rephrase that...it's not that people WON'T understand it, it's that people don't really want to do so. Let's start off with a vocabulary lesson, shall we?

closure - (noun) 1. The act of closing or the state of being closed.
                         2. Something that closes or shuts.
                         3. A bringing to an end; a conclusion.
                         4. the property of being mathematically closed.

I'm going to focus on the third meaning of this word. 

People always say "I need closure" or "I'll be at peace when I get closure". It's human nature to want closure about things, whether it's relationships, deaths, or trying to get an understanding about what happened with a certain situation. Here's the thing about closure:

You may never get it.



Follow me for a minute: let's say that your relationship ended abruptly. You never saw it coming. You were shocked, & you're sitting there trying to figure out what happened. Why did it happen? What did you do wrong? You go from the first day that you met until the day that it ended, trying to figure out why that person no longer wants you. All of a sudden you decide that you need closure. One question for you: what if that person doesn't want to give you the closure that you think that you deserve? Are you going to stop living your life because you didn't get that closure from that person? 

(ok, that was two questions, but you get my point)

Although it feels like it at the time, you can't stop your life because you didn't get that closure. It's life. Life happens.

Something else that you should ponder: maybe, just maybe, God is saving you from a deeper hurt by NOT giving you the closure that you feel you need. That "closure" could be the worst thing that's ever happened to you. It may bring forth other issues that you're not mentally or emotionally ready to handle. It's God's way of protecting you.  

Here's my point: sometimes not getting closure IS your closure.

Does that make sense? You can't go through life thinking "If I had just gotten that closure I'd be doing something different" or "I needed that closure to move on". No you don't. You need the strength that God gave you to move on. That's it. Nothing else. 

Be at peace about not having closure. You may have no other choice. 

(And this is the way that I'm ending this blog. This is my blog closure. I didn't know any other way to end it this time. LOL)

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

My Super Hero

It's the first blog of 2014, which means I made it through 2013!

I can't say that I wasn't ready for the year to end, because I was. For some reason, the end of each year ends shitty for me. It never fails. Something always happens to me at the end of the year. I might speak on it, I might not...but something ALWAYS happens to me. This year, it happened again. Too much happened. I almost broke...ALMOST. I can't let that happen though. Not me.

2014 has already started off terribly. Now, don't get me wrong, I know that I'm blessed, but I also know that I could have handled a lot of things differently.

Wait...I just lost my train of thought. Morgan is singing a Beyonce' song, "Superpower"...and she's singing it so beautifully. WOW!!!!

Now here's where my A.D.D. kicks in. (My friends & I always clown about us all having A.D.D....lol)  Just when I was about to write about something, my thoughts have changed.

This child of mine. My only daughter. My beautiful angel. My teenager. My strength. My love. My comedian. My realist. My sanity....

....graduates June 5, 2014.

For 17 years, I've watched this child in amazement. I know what you're thinking: what parent doesn't think that they're child is great??  And that's true! However, you have to hear my daughter to understand.

She's wise beyond her years. There's no gray area with her. It's black or it's white. It's right or wrong. And, as harsh as her words may come out, she speaks nothing but the honest truth. And if you can't handle that, she doesn't care. She'll tell you that's YOUR problem, not hers.

I wonder if she knows how many tears that I've shed already because I know her big day is coming up. What she DOESN'T know is that I am praying that she goes further than I have in education. Let's be real about this: anyone can graduate high school...graduating college is a CHOICE. I constantly tell her to be better than her "ma". Ma just decided to go back to school last semester. I tell her all of the time that I'm so proud of her, because I am. My honor roll student...and, if I have any say in it, my future psychologist!!!!  (She's majoring in forensic psychology...WOW!!!!)

I'm going to miss her laugh when she leaves for college. She has this big laugh that makes ME laugh. I'm going to miss our silly conversations about everything....and nothing. Her insight on things makes me think. She's just...wonderful!

For now, I'm going to cherish these moments. I have to say, I'm blessed. I haven't had any major trouble out of her (except for the usual teenage shit...but who doesn't go through that?). She's well-rounded, & even though she comes across as "mean", she's one of the most caring people that I know.

So, if you see me crying & smiling at the same time, it's because of her. It's because I'm a proud ma. I thought that I had prepared myself for this year, but I haven't. I'm sure that my emotions will be all over the place, but I know that the end result is going to be worth the tears.

I know one damn thing though....if she doesn't turn off this damn "Drunk In Love" I'm going to throw this laptop at her!!!  (She's playing it & laughing because she knows that it gets on my nerves.)

**Pumpkin, if you EVER read this blog, know that I've loved you from the first moment that I laid eyes on you. Your smile lights up my heart, those silly looks of yours keeps me laughing, your intellect amazes me. You are the BEST thing that's ever happened to me. I honestly don't know where I would be if God hadn't blessed me with you. You will never feel unloved because MA LOVES YOU TO LIFE!!! **