Wednesday, May 15, 2013

My Little (Big) Secret

So this blog is going to take a lot out of me. It's one that I've been debating about for a very long time. I guess that I was worried about people judging me because of it, but it is a part of me & it's something that I have to release. I've kept this in for too long, & I'm realizing that this isn't healthy, not for a certain part of my life anyway. goes nothing....

...for most of my dating life, I've been the other woman.

I can hear you now, calling me everything but a child of God. Unlike most people though, I can admit my sins & take responsibility for them.

The first guy that I fell in love with had a girlfriend. (I didn't know it at the time though.) My baby daddy? He was dating someone else & I didn't know it until I was too far gone to let go. Then I left him, he left her, he came back for me, we were a couple, had a baby, I left him, & he left his daughter...fuck my life.

Now, don't get it twisted, I was never one of those who called the house or anything like that. It was enough that I was disrespecting the relationship by just being with the man. I never wanted to meet the kids, never went to the house, never met the family...none of that. I never said anything foul or tried to approach the girlfriend/wife/significant other.

I guess you could say that I "knew my place".  It doesn't make it right, but hell, it is what it is.

It wasn't that many of them either...but it was enough. Enough for me to be ashamed of this.

It seemed like that's all that I attracted. These men made me feel special...yes I fell for the lines. Naivety at its best.

My thinking at the time was this: any issues that they had, don't bring it to me. Take it back home to the one  you truly love. I didn't have to worry about any of that stressing me out. We both know why we're here, so stop playing with my emotions & let's get down to business.

Fucked up, huh?  Yep...selfishness at its best.

Let me first say that I don't have "daddy issues". Sometimes that is the first assumption when a girl sleeps with a man that isn't hers. My daddy has always been in my life.

I guess it could be the typical "self esteem" answer too. And maybe my self-esteem was low. I haven't quite figured that part of it out yet.

What I DO know is that I only wanted one thing, & that was to feel loved & cared for...

....even if they didn't mean it.

One of them I truly loved. I often dreamed of being in his arms forever. His arms were my "safe place" from the hell that I was going through at the time. He was there for me in more ways than one could imagine. He taught me a lot about myself, & for that I'll be forever grateful.

In the end though...I wasn't who he wanted.

He married someone else.

Story of my life.

I have so much love to give...but back then, I gave it to the wrong people. I was selfish & I didn't care about anyone BUT Misty.

I keep saying this, but if karma is indeed real, she's got me in a chokehold. Someone close to me told me to stop saying that because it's that "old time religion" crap. Right now, all that I know is that I'm 38 years old & I've never had a "real" relationship. I often wonder if I'm being punished for the things that I've done in my past by being with men that weren't mine. Then again, I felt that no one really wanted to love or care for me, so I just took what I could & settled for that.

Hmmm...maybe it was my self-esteem.

I've wasted a lot of my life on this mess. I can think of at least two men who were single that truly wanted to be with me. I just never understood why they did.

I don't know what "normal" is when it comes to love. All that I know is that I deserve better than "2nd place". The sad part about this is that it took me a LONG time to understand that.

Judge me if you want. I can't write things like this & not have people make their assumptions about me. Like I said earlier, I can admit to the sins of my past.

I just have to learn not to let THIS part of my past consume me.