Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Forgiving Myself

Yes, I know that it's been a while since I've blogged. I haven't had the time, nor have I had anything to write about. Well I have, but it's all been jumbled. For the first time in a long time, I have some clarity about some things. I'll blog about those later. There's something that I need to get off of my chest...for Misty.

Misty...no matter what you feel...you are an awesome mother.

Pick your mouths up...there's a reason why I'm saying this.

It recently hit me that my Pumpkin is going to be a senior soon. My baby...a senior! All kinds of emotions run through my head when I think about that. I don't want to talk about those right now. What I DO want to discuss is one thing...a decision that I made a long time ago...

...the decision to sleep with her father.

Sounds messed up, right? Let me explain...

For anyone who has met Pumpkin, they know that at first, upon her meeting you, she's a quiet teenager. That's only because she's getting a feel of the people around her. Once she feels like you're "ok", she starts to relax & lets loose! She's brutally honest, a character, & a comedian. She will keep you in tears with the things that comes out of her mouth. She is, of course, my child.

I just hate the fact that I chose "him" to be her dad.

I could give you the typical "baby mama" responses. You know, the "what he doesn't do" crap. At the end of the day, I made the decision to sleep with him over 16 years ago.

At one point he was the "perfect" father...but things changed.

And before you say anything, NO, he was not always like this. There was a time when their bond was unbreakable. I still don't know what happened...or why it happened...& I may not ever understand it. But that's change, right?

Change is inevitable. Change is shocking. Change can bring you to tears...

...and that change has broken me down on numerous occasions.

I wish that I could say that I've gotten used to it...I haven't. Why you ask? Simply because my Pumpkin deserves better. She deserves a father who loves her & cares for her.

I'm not saying that he doesn't...well...I don't know what I'm saying when it comes to that.

I'm just saying that I feel like it's MY fault that she doesn't have a father in her life, because I feel like I made the wrong decision in being with him.

She has father figures, that's for sure. My dad is her partner in crime. The conversations that they have together are funny & priceless. She looks for him before she looks for me.

At the same time, she deserves her real father. I understand that it's beyond my control. I know that it has nothing to do with me. He's an adult, he has free will, & he can do what he wants. I just wish that one of them was getting to know his only child better.

Everything happens for a reason though. If I hadn't met him, if I hadn't slept with him, she wouldn't be here. She is my ONLY child. I can't birth anymore babies, so I thank God daily for her & for her love...even when she tests me.

(Hey, she IS a teenager, right??)

And for that fact...for that one decision that I made 16 years ago...I sometimes feel that I'm a bad mother. Yes, I should know better than that, but this is how I feel. So, sometimes I have to remind myself of the great job that I'm doing.

So Misty, when you look in her eyes, be reminded that she is a remarkable, intelligent, strong, hilarious, & insightful (she has words of wisdom like an elder) young woman. And she is that way IN SPITE OF not having him in her life.

With the support of your family Misty, you've done a pretty good job!