I've got Mary J. Blige's "My Life" on repeat in my ears...
"say what's on your mind & you'll find in time that all the negative energy it will all cease..."
Negative energy...I've been feeling a lot of that lately.
What did you say? Not Misty??? YES MISTY!!!! Am I not allowed to feel that way?
I think that people believe that I'm happy all of the time. I'm not. I am most of the time I am though. Right now, at this moment, my heart is aching. I've found myself doing things that I said that I would never do, & I'm feeling like I should go back to the way that I used to be....not caring about shit.
It's like...damn...what's the purpose of my having this big ass heart? Why should I give a damn about anything or anyone? Why do I feel the need to take the weight of the world on my shoulders? Who is going to be there for Misty when she's feeling like shit...
...like I am right now.
I feel like maybe, just maybe, I'm asking for too much. I often expect things from people that I shouldn't, because I put forth so much effort into making sure that everyone else is happy & I feel that they should want to do the same.
Classic mistake.
Even at the age of 37, I'm still learning that everyone may not care about you the way that you would like them to. (I'm not saying that they DON'T care, I'm just saying that you may not be happy with how they go about it.) I've seen it...on the front lines of a "war" that most people are fighting. The question is, do you stay in the war or do you throw up the white flag & surrender?
I've never been one to give up, but I'll be damned if I haven't thought about it.
I've spoken to several people in the past week about relationships...about love & their problems. (Why people come to someone who can't even get in a relationship about these issues, I will never understand.) I can't give advice on the situation, I can only give my honest opinion, IF you ask for it. Truth is, I would rather not give advice on love. Everyone's heart is different, & no one can truly say what they would or wouldn't do unless they were in that situation.
I've found out that people love differently, & if you let people inflitrate your mind & your heart you will find yourself doubting everything that you've ever felt in your life. Sometimes you have to shut the world out & do what you feel in your heart is right, no matter what others may say. They might call you "stupid" or "silly"...they may say that people are bumping their gums about you. At some point, you have to stop yourself & just shut the world out & have a conversation with yourself. No one else's opinions should matter but YOURS.
Back to my feelings...a friend of mine once told me to smile through the hurt, that my smile lights up a room & that if I look in the mirror when I do it, I will see that I'm still strong inside. And maybe I'll do just that once this blog is done. I need to remind myself that I've been through worse & prayed myself through it. I have to also know that I'll be ok...I always am...
"...and you'll be at peace with yourself...you won't really need no one else, except for the man above...because He will give you LOVE..."
And isn't that what it's really all about?? Finding peace within yourself? I'm going to get that back, starting now.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Sunday, April 1, 2012
The Playground
Let's go back to the childhood years, shall we?
I can recall in school when the teacher would say to write a composition about anything that we could think of. We would write silly stories about boats, beaches, & playing in the park. Whatever our minds could think of, we would write. Remember hearing the teacher say "Just use your imagination"? Yeah...those days.
As adults, our imagination "leaves", so to speak, & reality kicks in. Here's the problem with that: our imagination has us thinking nothing but negative thoughts.
You know what they say: an idle mind is the devil's workshop....and it definitely is.
We're all guilty of it. Every last one of us. (And if you say "not me", you're a liar.)
When we have a lot of time on our hands, we tend to think of the worst case scenario in a lot of things. We have a lot of "what ifs" going through our heads.
"What if" he/she is with someone else?
"What if" I'm not what they want?
"What if" they fire me from this job?
(add your own "what if" here...)
Well, what if you trained your brain NOT to think about the negative? You keep asking yourself all of these questions & most of the time the answer is pretty simple & NOTHING like you had envisioned in your mind.
Your imagination has gone from being playful as a kid to negative as an adult.
But why? Who told you that you had to grow ALL the way up. (did that make sense?) Yes, you should mature as you grow older, but you have to realize that the ones that live long lives do so because they smile & are still kids at heart. (Random? Yes, but you get my point.)
Somehow, we let life get to us...& when you feel nothing but the negative, it stays in your head. That negative thought then oozes on to the people around us in the strangest way: we take out all of our negative thinking on them. We blame them for things that they haven't even done. They're steadily trying to figure out what they did...when they did nothing. YOU put that thought in your head about them & began to accuse them of things that they didn't do...
Yep, it's all YOUR fault.
Here's another thing: if you have a feeling about something, if you feel like you need to find something out...OPEN YOUR MOUTH & ASK! Is it really that hard? No, it's not. The hard part is that YOU may not be ready for the truth...no matter how good OR bad it is. My thing is this: why sit there & let the devil run, jump, & slide in your "playground" when you could just ask & get the answers that you're wanting?
Think about it...I'll wait. (looks at clock...I don't own a watch...)
Well what do I do, you ask? How about you get a hobby? Read a book? Pray? I know that when I get in that mood, I pray that my Creator takes that spirit away from me. Why spend your time thinking about all of those negative things when you could easily counteract that with a positive thought? Now don't get me wrong, it may take a while to retrain your brain to do so, but it IS possible. You have to find something to occupy your mind so that the devil won't have a field day kicking up sand & playing on the swings.
You have to also understand that if you think negative things, then those things can & will happen. Remember Proverbs 18:21: Death & life are in the power of the tongue. What your mind manifests, so your tongue will speak. Why speak negative things upon your life, job, or relationships? I'm sorry, but I've done that enough in my life. I refuse to keep doing that.
You should refuse to keep doing it too.
You should decide that it's enough of that. Go back to your childhood. Recall how you use to just play & make up games in your head to make time go by. That's right, use your imagination for the RIGHT things. Just because you're an adult doesn't mean that you have to grow old so fast. Hell I still watch cartoons. Why? Because it keeps my mind youthful...which gives me a youthful spirit. (plus they make me laugh...lol)
Take your mind back...bring your imagination back...speak more life into your life.
Life is short...you might as well enjoy it...mind, heart, body, & soul.
I can recall in school when the teacher would say to write a composition about anything that we could think of. We would write silly stories about boats, beaches, & playing in the park. Whatever our minds could think of, we would write. Remember hearing the teacher say "Just use your imagination"? Yeah...those days.
As adults, our imagination "leaves", so to speak, & reality kicks in. Here's the problem with that: our imagination has us thinking nothing but negative thoughts.
You know what they say: an idle mind is the devil's workshop....and it definitely is.
We're all guilty of it. Every last one of us. (And if you say "not me", you're a liar.)
When we have a lot of time on our hands, we tend to think of the worst case scenario in a lot of things. We have a lot of "what ifs" going through our heads.
"What if" he/she is with someone else?
"What if" I'm not what they want?
"What if" they fire me from this job?
(add your own "what if" here...)
Well, what if you trained your brain NOT to think about the negative? You keep asking yourself all of these questions & most of the time the answer is pretty simple & NOTHING like you had envisioned in your mind.
Your imagination has gone from being playful as a kid to negative as an adult.
But why? Who told you that you had to grow ALL the way up. (did that make sense?) Yes, you should mature as you grow older, but you have to realize that the ones that live long lives do so because they smile & are still kids at heart. (Random? Yes, but you get my point.)
Somehow, we let life get to us...& when you feel nothing but the negative, it stays in your head. That negative thought then oozes on to the people around us in the strangest way: we take out all of our negative thinking on them. We blame them for things that they haven't even done. They're steadily trying to figure out what they did...when they did nothing. YOU put that thought in your head about them & began to accuse them of things that they didn't do...
Yep, it's all YOUR fault.
Here's another thing: if you have a feeling about something, if you feel like you need to find something out...OPEN YOUR MOUTH & ASK! Is it really that hard? No, it's not. The hard part is that YOU may not be ready for the truth...no matter how good OR bad it is. My thing is this: why sit there & let the devil run, jump, & slide in your "playground" when you could just ask & get the answers that you're wanting?
Think about it...I'll wait. (looks at clock...I don't own a watch...)
Well what do I do, you ask? How about you get a hobby? Read a book? Pray? I know that when I get in that mood, I pray that my Creator takes that spirit away from me. Why spend your time thinking about all of those negative things when you could easily counteract that with a positive thought? Now don't get me wrong, it may take a while to retrain your brain to do so, but it IS possible. You have to find something to occupy your mind so that the devil won't have a field day kicking up sand & playing on the swings.
You have to also understand that if you think negative things, then those things can & will happen. Remember Proverbs 18:21: Death & life are in the power of the tongue. What your mind manifests, so your tongue will speak. Why speak negative things upon your life, job, or relationships? I'm sorry, but I've done that enough in my life. I refuse to keep doing that.
You should refuse to keep doing it too.
You should decide that it's enough of that. Go back to your childhood. Recall how you use to just play & make up games in your head to make time go by. That's right, use your imagination for the RIGHT things. Just because you're an adult doesn't mean that you have to grow old so fast. Hell I still watch cartoons. Why? Because it keeps my mind youthful...which gives me a youthful spirit. (plus they make me laugh...lol)
Take your mind back...bring your imagination back...speak more life into your life.
Life is short...you might as well enjoy it...mind, heart, body, & soul.
Friday, March 23, 2012
One Question
In my short 36 years on this earth, I've been asked a lot of questions. Some average ("How tall are you?" "Do you have any kids?"), some just rude ("How big are they?" "Can I put my head there?"). However, there is one question that I was asked recently that I've NEVER been asked...and I have to admit, it's been on my mind for a minute now...
"When did you fall out of love with me?"
What a question, right? I really wasn't prepared for that one. Then again, who would be? Usually I'm the one asking a question of that sort. When a relationship ends, I'm usually asking what happened. I've never asked that question though....ever...
...but someone asked me this question, & I didn't know how to answer it.
How do you answer a question like this without the other person's feelings getting hurt more than they already are?
Truth be known...you can't.
I've always been honest when it comes to matters of the heart. There's no sense in pussy-footing around when it comes to love & emotions...so I don't. This question threw me for a loop though. How do I answer this question, especially when I wasn't quite sure when it happened.
I knew the HOW...but not the WHEN.
The "how": not enough attention, being put on the backburner for everything & everyone else, not listening to me...
...you know, the typical shit.
Then I began thinking...the WHEN started when I never received any of the HOWS, if that makes sense. Better yet, the WHEN really began when I started receiving it from someone else.
Remember the old adage "what you don't do, someone else will?" Yeah, well it happened...unexpectedly, but it did happen.
I yelled, screamed & did everything that I could to get him to understand what I desired. Nothing. Was I supposed to wait around? I'm getting older, hell. I can't do that...I WON'T do that...not again.
So, after careful thought, I had the honest answer...it's not a cute answer...but it's THE answer...(and the one that he received)...
"Through it all I've been there for you. Anything you asked for, I gave it. A relationship is supposed to be with two people, but for some reason, it never felt like that. I gave & you took. I have no more to give...no more compassion, no more caring, no more love. A relationship is supposed to progress...we never did. WHEN did I fall out of love with you? The moment that you sucked the last ounce of love out of me. The moment when love no longer felt like love, but an obligation because of who you were & what we were in the past. You asked if someone else has my attention, but you already knew the answer to that. If you wanted me happy, TRULY happy, then you'll just let me go like I've been begging you to do. I can no longer pretend that this is ok when it's not. You'll always have a special place in my heart, but I can't continue to argue & cry like this. It's not good, for either one of us. I hope that you understand...if not, then there's nothing that I can do about it."
He didn't like the answer...he hated the answer...but it was, indeed, my answer.
Never said that the answer was right...or perfect...but it's the truth. Simple & plain.
"When did you fall out of love with me?"
What a question, right? I really wasn't prepared for that one. Then again, who would be? Usually I'm the one asking a question of that sort. When a relationship ends, I'm usually asking what happened. I've never asked that question though....ever...
...but someone asked me this question, & I didn't know how to answer it.
How do you answer a question like this without the other person's feelings getting hurt more than they already are?
Truth be known...you can't.
I've always been honest when it comes to matters of the heart. There's no sense in pussy-footing around when it comes to love & emotions...so I don't. This question threw me for a loop though. How do I answer this question, especially when I wasn't quite sure when it happened.
I knew the HOW...but not the WHEN.
The "how": not enough attention, being put on the backburner for everything & everyone else, not listening to me...
...you know, the typical shit.
Then I began thinking...the WHEN started when I never received any of the HOWS, if that makes sense. Better yet, the WHEN really began when I started receiving it from someone else.
Remember the old adage "what you don't do, someone else will?" Yeah, well it happened...unexpectedly, but it did happen.
I yelled, screamed & did everything that I could to get him to understand what I desired. Nothing. Was I supposed to wait around? I'm getting older, hell. I can't do that...I WON'T do that...not again.
So, after careful thought, I had the honest answer...it's not a cute answer...but it's THE answer...(and the one that he received)...
"Through it all I've been there for you. Anything you asked for, I gave it. A relationship is supposed to be with two people, but for some reason, it never felt like that. I gave & you took. I have no more to give...no more compassion, no more caring, no more love. A relationship is supposed to progress...we never did. WHEN did I fall out of love with you? The moment that you sucked the last ounce of love out of me. The moment when love no longer felt like love, but an obligation because of who you were & what we were in the past. You asked if someone else has my attention, but you already knew the answer to that. If you wanted me happy, TRULY happy, then you'll just let me go like I've been begging you to do. I can no longer pretend that this is ok when it's not. You'll always have a special place in my heart, but I can't continue to argue & cry like this. It's not good, for either one of us. I hope that you understand...if not, then there's nothing that I can do about it."
He didn't like the answer...he hated the answer...but it was, indeed, my answer.
Never said that the answer was right...or perfect...but it's the truth. Simple & plain.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
My Exciting Makeover
I have come to the conclusion that I need a makeover.
It's not a want...it's a NEED.
Now when you hear the word "makeover", you automatically assume that it's a physical makeover.
Nope...I'm sexy enough on the outside. I don't need one of those. Besides, those are expensive. (I'm a healthy sized girl...apparently extra fabric means extra money. Who knew?)
I'm talking about an INSIDE makeover. It's the cheapest of the "makeovers", but it's also the hardest to do.
See, with the physical one, you can go to the store, pick out some cosmetics, clothes, shoes, & accessories. You can go to get your hair "did" & VOILA...you're done! You're looking at yourself in the mirror & saying how cute you are, right? Then you realize that even though you look pretty, you don't FEEL pretty.
You still feel ugly...unattractive...just down right BLEH!
It's ok...I understand. I need an internal makeover...BADLY.
Everyone sees the happy Misty...the one who always has a joke...a kind word...a listening ear. No one ever sees the ugly Misty. She's there though...and when she comes out, it's not pretty...at all.
The beautiful side of this internal makeover is that I can recognize the fact that I need a makeover.
Whoa...watch it...that first step is always a doozy, isn't it?
First things first: I'm going to get back to basics...to where I first learned about love...my Creator. I must get back to a relationship with my higher power before anything else can be done. I learned about love through church. I recently started going back again. My relationship with God is becoming stronger daily. It has to in order for me to take the next steps in my internal makeover.
Next step: forgiveness. I preach a lot on forgiveness. I hate to sound like a Tyler Perry play, but forgiveness is for YOU & not for anyone else. It is for YOUR healing. It is for YOUR internal makeover. There are some past hurts that I thought that I had forgiven...and I really hadn't. Forgiveness has to be a part of the makeover process. If you don't forgive, you will still have an ugly stain in your heart. Who wants that? It's like wearing a white shirt...& that one, itty bitty dot is there. Even though it's small, it stands out on that white shirt....get me? So I have taken steps to forgive those who have caused me pain. Remember that the prayer that we were given states "forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors". I've said it before & I'll say it again...who are WE not to forgive, especially when we are forgiven on a constant basis?
Here's another one: Loving myself. Now don't get me wrong, I think that I'm the bomb.com, but I DO have my moments to where something triggers a memory of someone saying something negative about me. I have to hurry & counteract it with something that's positive. I can recall a time where I didn't love myself at all. My self-esteem was to the floor...well, below the floor. It took a while for me to see the beauty that was within me. Like I said, I have my moments...but they are very few. So when they do come, I can do a fast makeover by giving a small compliment to myself. (I like to say how beautiful my eyes are...because they are!)
While we're on the subject of love, how about I put HOW to love as a part of my internal makeover? I'm really learning this one day by day. I've never loved correctly. Now when I say that, it's because of "relationships" that I've put MYSELF in. I can only blame myself for my decisions, right? Seeing that I've never been in a real "relationship", I don't know how to be spoiled, or how to ALLOW someone to spoil me. (and when I say "spoil", I don't just mean in the materialistic sense...) I don't know what it feels like to be #1 in someone's life. (That is a different blog in itself....that may come later.) Because of the fact that I'm not accustomed to certain things, I realized that I didn't know that I deserved to be loved CORRECTLY. Now that I know that I deserve a beautiful love, how do I love that person back? That may be the biggest process out of all of the steps that I need to take. I'm a work in progress on this step...definitely. I just pray that the person that I end up with has the patience to understand that I'm full of love, but I just don't know how to express it right.
Now there is ONE major issue that I have...I'm not sure if I'm ready to expose that one yet. I may wait a few months to do so. (I have my reasons.) That one will be so serious though...I may only share that with one other person. I'm still pondering on that one.
When doing an external makeover, you have to be very detailed. You have to know exactly what you want to look like once everything is said and done. You have to do the same thing with an internal makeover as well. The beautiful thing about an internal makeover is that you can keep working on it & making yourself more beautiful & positive than you were the day before. I get a bit excited knowing that I can improve on my imperfections. *claps hysterically*
Once I finish my internal makeover, I may look the same, but I definitely won't be the same. Once again...I'm a work in progress. I will be able to smile & mean it. I will be able to be with someone & my heart be full of love & not fear. I will be a brand new me. A sexy inside to go with my sexy outside! :o)
It's not a want...it's a NEED.
Now when you hear the word "makeover", you automatically assume that it's a physical makeover.
Nope...I'm sexy enough on the outside. I don't need one of those. Besides, those are expensive. (I'm a healthy sized girl...apparently extra fabric means extra money. Who knew?)
I'm talking about an INSIDE makeover. It's the cheapest of the "makeovers", but it's also the hardest to do.
See, with the physical one, you can go to the store, pick out some cosmetics, clothes, shoes, & accessories. You can go to get your hair "did" & VOILA...you're done! You're looking at yourself in the mirror & saying how cute you are, right? Then you realize that even though you look pretty, you don't FEEL pretty.
You still feel ugly...unattractive...just down right BLEH!
It's ok...I understand. I need an internal makeover...BADLY.
Everyone sees the happy Misty...the one who always has a joke...a kind word...a listening ear. No one ever sees the ugly Misty. She's there though...and when she comes out, it's not pretty...at all.
The beautiful side of this internal makeover is that I can recognize the fact that I need a makeover.
Whoa...watch it...that first step is always a doozy, isn't it?
First things first: I'm going to get back to basics...to where I first learned about love...my Creator. I must get back to a relationship with my higher power before anything else can be done. I learned about love through church. I recently started going back again. My relationship with God is becoming stronger daily. It has to in order for me to take the next steps in my internal makeover.
Next step: forgiveness. I preach a lot on forgiveness. I hate to sound like a Tyler Perry play, but forgiveness is for YOU & not for anyone else. It is for YOUR healing. It is for YOUR internal makeover. There are some past hurts that I thought that I had forgiven...and I really hadn't. Forgiveness has to be a part of the makeover process. If you don't forgive, you will still have an ugly stain in your heart. Who wants that? It's like wearing a white shirt...& that one, itty bitty dot is there. Even though it's small, it stands out on that white shirt....get me? So I have taken steps to forgive those who have caused me pain. Remember that the prayer that we were given states "forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors". I've said it before & I'll say it again...who are WE not to forgive, especially when we are forgiven on a constant basis?
Here's another one: Loving myself. Now don't get me wrong, I think that I'm the bomb.com, but I DO have my moments to where something triggers a memory of someone saying something negative about me. I have to hurry & counteract it with something that's positive. I can recall a time where I didn't love myself at all. My self-esteem was to the floor...well, below the floor. It took a while for me to see the beauty that was within me. Like I said, I have my moments...but they are very few. So when they do come, I can do a fast makeover by giving a small compliment to myself. (I like to say how beautiful my eyes are...because they are!)
While we're on the subject of love, how about I put HOW to love as a part of my internal makeover? I'm really learning this one day by day. I've never loved correctly. Now when I say that, it's because of "relationships" that I've put MYSELF in. I can only blame myself for my decisions, right? Seeing that I've never been in a real "relationship", I don't know how to be spoiled, or how to ALLOW someone to spoil me. (and when I say "spoil", I don't just mean in the materialistic sense...) I don't know what it feels like to be #1 in someone's life. (That is a different blog in itself....that may come later.) Because of the fact that I'm not accustomed to certain things, I realized that I didn't know that I deserved to be loved CORRECTLY. Now that I know that I deserve a beautiful love, how do I love that person back? That may be the biggest process out of all of the steps that I need to take. I'm a work in progress on this step...definitely. I just pray that the person that I end up with has the patience to understand that I'm full of love, but I just don't know how to express it right.
Now there is ONE major issue that I have...I'm not sure if I'm ready to expose that one yet. I may wait a few months to do so. (I have my reasons.) That one will be so serious though...I may only share that with one other person. I'm still pondering on that one.
When doing an external makeover, you have to be very detailed. You have to know exactly what you want to look like once everything is said and done. You have to do the same thing with an internal makeover as well. The beautiful thing about an internal makeover is that you can keep working on it & making yourself more beautiful & positive than you were the day before. I get a bit excited knowing that I can improve on my imperfections. *claps hysterically*
Once I finish my internal makeover, I may look the same, but I definitely won't be the same. Once again...I'm a work in progress. I will be able to smile & mean it. I will be able to be with someone & my heart be full of love & not fear. I will be a brand new me. A sexy inside to go with my sexy outside! :o)
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Losing control
I gotta be honest...I don't think that I have this "love" thing quite right.
The sad part is, I'm not sure that I will ever get it right.
I'm not afraid of much...you know, just the usual...dying in water, roller coasters, ants (yes I have a fear of ants. If there's one, there's 10. If there's 10, there's 100. If there's 100, there's 1000...and so on, & so forth.) But hey, I'm not talking about those fears...I'm talking about my one...major...fear...
...falling in love.
I'm terrified of it. No, I mean...REALLY terrified.
If I could pinpoint the reason why, I'd tell you. I COULD give you the generic answer..."I don't wanna be hurt"...but hell, WHO does??
As much as I love seeing people in love, I often wonder if that's for me...if I deserve it. I can tell people all day long to allow love to come into their lives & their hearts. It's strange how you can give people advice all day long, but you can't take your own advice.
I mean really...what is wrong with me? Why do I feel this way? I think I've got it...
You see, I've made so many WRONG decisions on love that I'm afraid to make ANOTHER wrong one. If things ended, I'd be more upset with MYSELF than with the person that I was with.
Does that make any sense?
Here's what's tripped out (and prepare yourself for this one): I actually have someone who wants to care for me. Yes...me. (Pick your mouths up off of the floor...I'm just as shocked as you are!)
So "what's the problem" you say? Well...there is none. It's just...me.
I'm being forced to feel things that I've never felt before, like...jealousy. Yeah, I said it...jealousy.
Oh, and that love thing too. Yeah, not used to this. Not use to loving without restraints...without reservations.
The main issue is that I'm no longer in control. Let me explain that one too...
In every "relationship" that I've ever been in, I've been in total control. I knew exactly how I wanted things to go. I knew that most of these men were weak in some way. Most of the time I HAD to be in control or nothing would get accomplished. It became tiring, exhausting even. It was becoming pitiful: how in the hell do I keep meeting the same type of men? What in the hell am I doing wrong? Then...out of nowhere...I meet...him. Him made me laugh...him made me think...him is just...wonderful.
And him now has "control", and I don't even know HOW he got it.
Don't get me wrong, It's very refreshing NOT to have control, but it scares me at the same time. I guess because I'm so used to having this "control". At one point, I wanted it back. I think that the "independent" side of me still does. But something is telling me to just let him have it. I mean, what am I going to do with it? Is it that I feel as if I'm going to lose myself if I don't allow him to have "control"?
I think back to how all that I've ever wanted was for someone to take care of my heart. Now I have someone who does, and I have to admit...I'm freaking out. No, seriously...I'm FREAKING the HELL out!!!!
Once again...I'm terrified....and I shouldn't be.
Him is awesome.
Him is a sweetheart.
Him is handsome.
Him is intelligent.
Him is caring.
Him is....just...beautiful....inside & out.
And him just wants to love little ol' me.
*blushing starts....now*
Now, him knows that I'm scared because him has called me out on it. Him even knew when I was getting ready to "fall back" because of my fears...but him wouldn't let me. Him just wanted me to know that he understood.
I can't lie...I can't get enough of him.
I just need to understand that yeah, I DO deserve a man to love me. I have to also understand that I can't be afraid of the unknown. (Hey...I just figured out another issue of mine! This blogging thing IS great therapy!) I have to understand that it's ok to be scared, but not to let it consume me.
Like I said earlier, I've never had to face these feelings. Now I have to face them...head on...& show no fear in doing so.
How can I become stronger & conquer this fear if I don't face these feelings, right?
Yep...no fear....not anymore. Only happiness & joy.
I asked God for this a long time ago. I asked God to bring me someone who's going to love me & take care of my heart. Someone who's going to respect me & the fact that I have a smart ass mouth, but I have good intentions. A man who's, not to sound like the India.Arie song, but..well...a man who loves music (him does), a man who loves art (him does), respects the spirit world (him DEFINITELY does), & thinks with his heart (him does that too!). He's blessed me with him...so now I have to thank God & ask him for strength & guidance...& to take away this fear so that I can love him fully.
Him deserves that kind of love...& so do I.
The sad part is, I'm not sure that I will ever get it right.
I'm not afraid of much...you know, just the usual...dying in water, roller coasters, ants (yes I have a fear of ants. If there's one, there's 10. If there's 10, there's 100. If there's 100, there's 1000...and so on, & so forth.) But hey, I'm not talking about those fears...I'm talking about my one...major...fear...
...falling in love.
I'm terrified of it. No, I mean...REALLY terrified.
If I could pinpoint the reason why, I'd tell you. I COULD give you the generic answer..."I don't wanna be hurt"...but hell, WHO does??
As much as I love seeing people in love, I often wonder if that's for me...if I deserve it. I can tell people all day long to allow love to come into their lives & their hearts. It's strange how you can give people advice all day long, but you can't take your own advice.
I mean really...what is wrong with me? Why do I feel this way? I think I've got it...
You see, I've made so many WRONG decisions on love that I'm afraid to make ANOTHER wrong one. If things ended, I'd be more upset with MYSELF than with the person that I was with.
Does that make any sense?
Here's what's tripped out (and prepare yourself for this one): I actually have someone who wants to care for me. Yes...me. (Pick your mouths up off of the floor...I'm just as shocked as you are!)
So "what's the problem" you say? Well...there is none. It's just...me.
I'm being forced to feel things that I've never felt before, like...jealousy. Yeah, I said it...jealousy.
Oh, and that love thing too. Yeah, not used to this. Not use to loving without restraints...without reservations.
The main issue is that I'm no longer in control. Let me explain that one too...
In every "relationship" that I've ever been in, I've been in total control. I knew exactly how I wanted things to go. I knew that most of these men were weak in some way. Most of the time I HAD to be in control or nothing would get accomplished. It became tiring, exhausting even. It was becoming pitiful: how in the hell do I keep meeting the same type of men? What in the hell am I doing wrong? Then...out of nowhere...I meet...him. Him made me laugh...him made me think...him is just...wonderful.
And him now has "control", and I don't even know HOW he got it.
Don't get me wrong, It's very refreshing NOT to have control, but it scares me at the same time. I guess because I'm so used to having this "control". At one point, I wanted it back. I think that the "independent" side of me still does. But something is telling me to just let him have it. I mean, what am I going to do with it? Is it that I feel as if I'm going to lose myself if I don't allow him to have "control"?
I think back to how all that I've ever wanted was for someone to take care of my heart. Now I have someone who does, and I have to admit...I'm freaking out. No, seriously...I'm FREAKING the HELL out!!!!
Once again...I'm terrified....and I shouldn't be.
Him is awesome.
Him is a sweetheart.
Him is handsome.
Him is intelligent.
Him is caring.
Him is....just...beautiful....inside & out.
And him just wants to love little ol' me.
*blushing starts....now*
Now, him knows that I'm scared because him has called me out on it. Him even knew when I was getting ready to "fall back" because of my fears...but him wouldn't let me. Him just wanted me to know that he understood.
I can't lie...I can't get enough of him.
I just need to understand that yeah, I DO deserve a man to love me. I have to also understand that I can't be afraid of the unknown. (Hey...I just figured out another issue of mine! This blogging thing IS great therapy!) I have to understand that it's ok to be scared, but not to let it consume me.
Like I said earlier, I've never had to face these feelings. Now I have to face them...head on...& show no fear in doing so.
How can I become stronger & conquer this fear if I don't face these feelings, right?
Yep...no fear....not anymore. Only happiness & joy.
I asked God for this a long time ago. I asked God to bring me someone who's going to love me & take care of my heart. Someone who's going to respect me & the fact that I have a smart ass mouth, but I have good intentions. A man who's, not to sound like the India.Arie song, but..well...a man who loves music (him does), a man who loves art (him does), respects the spirit world (him DEFINITELY does), & thinks with his heart (him does that too!). He's blessed me with him...so now I have to thank God & ask him for strength & guidance...& to take away this fear so that I can love him fully.
Him deserves that kind of love...& so do I.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Dreamgirls...the ME version!
This is my first blog...wow...haven't done this in a while, so bear with me. I often have a lot on my mind. It tends to wander...a LOT! But usually when it comes back I have something interesting to say. Tonight, not so much...just this...
(singing...) I...am...changing!!!! (I felt Effie-ish today...lol)
I can feel it. It feels SOOO wonderful! The level of happiness is just sickening...lol. But it's me now...no more depressed, negative me...that woman's gone. This new me is full of life and love...well, love for herself and her child. Isn't that all that matters anyway? I'm happy...not because of where I am now, but because of where I'm going to be in the future! My future is so beautiful...I can see it! I can FEEL it!! I am amused by it!! :o) I am...ME!!!
My positivity depends on my desire to WANT to be happy. I will no longer say that I'm content...I'm not. Contentment means that you are happy with where you are in your life right now. I'm not there...yet...and I'm no longer content with saying that I'm content.
So if you see me, and I'm smiling, no, I haven't lost my mind. I just know where I'm headed, and that in itself keeps me cheesy!!!
(singing...) I...am...changing!!!! (I felt Effie-ish today...lol)
I can feel it. It feels SOOO wonderful! The level of happiness is just sickening...lol. But it's me now...no more depressed, negative me...that woman's gone. This new me is full of life and love...well, love for herself and her child. Isn't that all that matters anyway? I'm happy...not because of where I am now, but because of where I'm going to be in the future! My future is so beautiful...I can see it! I can FEEL it!! I am amused by it!! :o) I am...ME!!!
My positivity depends on my desire to WANT to be happy. I will no longer say that I'm content...I'm not. Contentment means that you are happy with where you are in your life right now. I'm not there...yet...and I'm no longer content with saying that I'm content.
So if you see me, and I'm smiling, no, I haven't lost my mind. I just know where I'm headed, and that in itself keeps me cheesy!!!
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