A Quick Venting Session

I know, I know. I haven't written in over a year. Look, I haven't had the urge to do so. It is what it is.

I was triggered today though. I've got a LOT on my mind and heart. None of this will make any sense. And this might not be what you need to read, but it's what I'm feeling. So you have a choice, either you can continue to read or you can stop reading right now. Either way, I'm going to write and this will have some words in it that you might be offended by. I'll give you about five seconds for you to make your decision.

1...2...3...4...5...

...you're still here huh? OK...whatever.

This year has been HELL on me emotionally. I've shed so many tears that I wanted to snatch my tear ducts out so that I wouldn't cry anymore. I've traveled down roads that I shouldn't have. I've had so many negative thoughts that at one point it was hard for me to get out of bed in the morning.

You wouldn't know it though. I hide shit well. 

See, I have to. I have no choice. You all think that I'm "happy go lucky" every day. I'm not. I'm human. I have faults. I make mistakes. I'm definitely not perfect. When I ask people "why do you even talk to me", I mean that shit. Really...why do you? I make everyone smile. I make people happy. I've even had people inbox me telling me that reading my posts on Facebook has gotten them through some tough times, especially through Harvey. (And believe me, I have no problem with that...a part of me feels like it is my "ministry".) Sometimes though, my life gets HARD. I play that shit off though. I know where I could be, and I know where I HAVE been. It's been so bad this year that I even considered moving back home to P.A. I can't though. I can't let whatever is getting to me beat me. I have to remind myself daily that I'm stronger than what I feel. So, I'm still here...dammit.

Then there's this part of me that gets lonely. (Cue Janet Jackson's "I Get Lonely") I've considered a puppy, but hell, that's like having another kid. And, even with that lonely shit, people come and talk to me about their fucked up relationships. Listen, I get all of that, but can a girl get a chance though? There's another aspect to this...I know that I'm the issue. I could probably have a man, but I don't want to settle for certain shit, like, someone who thinks that they're better than me, he has a crazy ex, mediocre sex...that last one is very important to me. Judge me if you want to, but I can't see myself having bad sex for the rest of my life. I know me. I'll cheat. And don't say that "teach him what you want" bullshit. He should know how to do the basics already. If he can't do the basics, then I'm out. 

Look, a sister got needs, and it's not just dick. I'm not saying all of what they are so that you fuckers can go and try to play Love Connection in this bitch. Like I said, I'm venting. 

Hold please. I need to take a sip of this blueberry vodka. 

Ahhh...I'm back.

People think that I'm playing when I say that I want Pumpkin to be better than me. I'm not just talking about professionally. I'm talking about in ALL areas in her life. I pray for her constant success. I want her to get the career of her dreams. I never want her to struggle. I pray that she always has MORE than enough, & that she knows that she is a QUEEN.  I want her to be with someone who's going to take care of her, respect her, and love her in good times and bad. I never want her to know what it feels like to be lonely, BUT I DO want her to know HOW to be alone. (Because there are a lot of y'all that have a relationship, but you're still lonely...but that's another blog for another day.) I want for her to go to the store and get whatever sneakers that she wants. You know, goals. 

I wish that I had goals when I was younger. Maybe I wouldn't be like this now. Drinking blueberry vodka and lemonade...venting nshit.

You see, I will never understand why any of you choose to talk to me. I have issues. Major ones. I don't know why y'all come to me for advice, especially when I need someone to help me. But I will NEVER stop someone from coming to me and getting shit off of their chest. I know that people just want someone to listen. I'm here...unless someone has unloaded TOO much on me. I have to keep a little sanity.

Like I said earlier, this year hasn't been kind to me emotionally. It's been one of the worst ones that I can remember. I've attempted to push people away, but they wouldn't have it. I've cussed people out JUST so that they would have a reason to stay away from me. They wouldn't. One even drove from another side of town just to hug me. It was the ONE time that I had broken down to anyone that was outside of my "circle". (My people are pretty awesome, huh?)I was allowed to be vulnerable. I need to stop trying to be strong all of the time and remember that I'm NOT Wonder Woman.

By the way, I truly love Eminem's new song "Walk On Water". (Lawd, let me add "featuring Beyonce'" before that fake ass hive comes for me.) I don't think that anyone has actually listened to the lyrics of that song. When she sings "' cause I'm only human, just like you, making my mistakes, oh if you only knew...I don't think you should believe in me the way that you do, 'cause I'm terrified to let you down..." I FELT THAT WITH EVERY PART OF ME!!!

That was random. So what. Just was throwing that part out there.

I have to keep in mind that I've gotten through my worse days, and I can get through everything. 

EVERYTHING.

I told y'all...just venting. None of this shit made any fucking sense. Whatever.

Besides, I'm out of vodka.