My Life...MY Life

I've got Mary J. Blige's "My Life" on repeat in my ears...

"say what's on your mind & you'll find in time that all the negative energy it will all cease..."

Negative energy...I've been feeling a lot of that lately.

What did you say? Not Misty???  YES MISTY!!!!  Am I not allowed to feel that way?

I think that people believe that I'm happy all of the time. I'm not. I am most of the time I am though. Right now, at this moment, my heart is aching. I've found myself doing things that I said that I would never do, & I'm feeling like I should go back to the way that I used to be....not caring about shit.

It's like...damn...what's the purpose of my having this big ass heart? Why should I give a damn about anything or anyone? Why do I feel the need to take the weight of the world on my shoulders? Who is going to be there for Misty when she's feeling like shit...

...like I am right now.

I feel like maybe, just maybe, I'm asking for too much. I often expect things from people that I shouldn't, because I put forth so much effort into making sure that everyone else is happy & I feel that they should want to do the same.

Classic mistake.

Even at the age of 37, I'm still learning that everyone may not care about you the way that you would like them to. (I'm not saying that they DON'T care, I'm just saying that you may not be happy with how they go about it.) I've seen it...on the front lines of a "war" that most people are fighting. The question is, do you stay in the war or do you throw up the white flag & surrender?

I've never been one to give up, but I'll be damned if I haven't thought about it.

I've spoken to several people in the past week about relationships...about love & their problems. (Why people come to someone who can't even get in a relationship about these issues, I will never understand.) I can't give advice on the situation, I can only give my honest opinion, IF you ask for it. Truth is, I would rather not give advice on love. Everyone's heart is different, & no one can truly say what they would or wouldn't do unless they were in that situation.

I've found out that people love differently, & if you let people inflitrate your mind & your heart you will find yourself doubting everything that you've ever felt in your life. Sometimes you have to shut the world out & do what you feel in your heart is right, no matter what others may say. They might call you "stupid" or "silly"...they may say that people are bumping their gums about you. At some point, you have to stop yourself & just shut the world out & have a conversation with yourself. No one else's opinions should matter but YOURS.

Back to my feelings...a friend of mine once told me to smile through the hurt, that my smile lights up a room & that if I look in the mirror when I do it, I will see that I'm still strong inside. And maybe I'll do just that once this blog is done. I need to remind myself that I've been through worse & prayed myself through it. I have to also know that I'll be ok...I always am...

"...and you'll be at peace with yourself...you won't really need no one else, except for the man above...because He will give you LOVE..."

And isn't that what it's really all about?? Finding peace within yourself? I'm going to get that back, starting now.