So this blog is going to take a lot out of me. It's one that I've been debating about for a very long time. I guess that I was worried about people judging me because of it, but it is a part of me & it's something that I have to release. I've kept this in for too long, & I'm realizing that this isn't healthy, not for a certain part of my life anyway. So...here goes nothing....
...for most of my dating life, I've been the other woman.
I can hear you now, calling me everything but a child of God. Unlike most people though, I can admit my sins & take responsibility for them.
The first guy that I fell in love with had a girlfriend. (I didn't know it at the time though.) My baby daddy? He was dating someone else & I didn't know it until I was too far gone to let go. Then I left him, he left her, he came back for me, we were a couple, had a baby, I left him, & he left his daughter...fuck my life.
Now, don't get it twisted, I was never one of those who called the house or anything like that. It was enough that I was disrespecting the relationship by just being with the man. I never wanted to meet the kids, never went to the house, never met the family...none of that. I never said anything foul or tried to approach the girlfriend/wife/significant other.
I guess you could say that I "knew my place". It doesn't make it right, but hell, it is what it is.
It wasn't that many of them either...but it was enough. Enough for me to be ashamed of this.
It seemed like that's all that I attracted. These men made me feel special...yes I fell for the lines. Naivety at its best.
My thinking at the time was this: any issues that they had, don't bring it to me. Take it back home to the one you truly love. I didn't have to worry about any of that stressing me out. We both know why we're here, so stop playing with my emotions & let's get down to business.
Fucked up, huh? Yep...selfishness at its best.
Let me first say that I don't have "daddy issues". Sometimes that is the first assumption when a girl sleeps with a man that isn't hers. My daddy has always been in my life.
I guess it could be the typical "self esteem" answer too. And maybe my self-esteem was low. I haven't quite figured that part of it out yet.
What I DO know is that I only wanted one thing, & that was to feel loved & cared for...
....even if they didn't mean it.
One of them I truly loved. I often dreamed of being in his arms forever. His arms were my "safe place" from the hell that I was going through at the time. He was there for me in more ways than one could imagine. He taught me a lot about myself, & for that I'll be forever grateful.
In the end though...I wasn't who he wanted.
He married someone else.
Story of my life.
I have so much love to give...but back then, I gave it to the wrong people. I was selfish & I didn't care about anyone BUT Misty.
I keep saying this, but if karma is indeed real, she's got me in a chokehold. Someone close to me told me to stop saying that because it's that "old time religion" crap. Right now, all that I know is that I'm 38 years old & I've never had a "real" relationship. I often wonder if I'm being punished for the things that I've done in my past by being with men that weren't mine. Then again, I felt that no one really wanted to love or care for me, so I just took what I could & settled for that.
Hmmm...maybe it was my self-esteem.
I've wasted a lot of my life on this mess. I can think of at least two men who were single that truly wanted to be with me. I just never understood why they did.
I don't know what "normal" is when it comes to love. All that I know is that I deserve better than "2nd place". The sad part about this is that it took me a LONG time to understand that.
Judge me if you want. I can't write things like this & not have people make their assumptions about me. Like I said earlier, I can admit to the sins of my past.
I just have to learn not to let THIS part of my past consume me.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Forgiving Myself
Yes, I know that it's been a while since I've blogged. I haven't had the time, nor have I had anything to write about. Well I have, but it's all been jumbled. For the first time in a long time, I have some clarity about some things. I'll blog about those later. There's something that I need to get off of my chest...for Misty.
Misty...no matter what you feel...you are an awesome mother.
Pick your mouths up...there's a reason why I'm saying this.
It recently hit me that my Pumpkin is going to be a senior soon. My baby...a senior! All kinds of emotions run through my head when I think about that. I don't want to talk about those right now. What I DO want to discuss is one thing...a decision that I made a long time ago...
...the decision to sleep with her father.
Sounds messed up, right? Let me explain...
For anyone who has met Pumpkin, they know that at first, upon her meeting you, she's a quiet teenager. That's only because she's getting a feel of the people around her. Once she feels like you're "ok", she starts to relax & lets loose! She's brutally honest, a character, & a comedian. She will keep you in tears with the things that comes out of her mouth. She is, of course, my child.
I just hate the fact that I chose "him" to be her dad.
I could give you the typical "baby mama" responses. You know, the "what he doesn't do" crap. At the end of the day, I made the decision to sleep with him over 16 years ago.
At one point he was the "perfect" father...but things changed.
And before you say anything, NO, he was not always like this. There was a time when their bond was unbreakable. I still don't know what happened...or why it happened...& I may not ever understand it. But that's change, right?
Change is inevitable. Change is shocking. Change can bring you to tears...
...and that change has broken me down on numerous occasions.
I wish that I could say that I've gotten used to it...I haven't. Why you ask? Simply because my Pumpkin deserves better. She deserves a father who loves her & cares for her.
I'm not saying that he doesn't...well...I don't know what I'm saying when it comes to that.
I'm just saying that I feel like it's MY fault that she doesn't have a father in her life, because I feel like I made the wrong decision in being with him.
She has father figures, that's for sure. My dad is her partner in crime. The conversations that they have together are funny & priceless. She looks for him before she looks for me.
At the same time, she deserves her real father. I understand that it's beyond my control. I know that it has nothing to do with me. He's an adult, he has free will, & he can do what he wants. I just wish that one of them was getting to know his only child better.
Everything happens for a reason though. If I hadn't met him, if I hadn't slept with him, she wouldn't be here. She is my ONLY child. I can't birth anymore babies, so I thank God daily for her & for her love...even when she tests me.
(Hey, she IS a teenager, right??)
And for that fact...for that one decision that I made 16 years ago...I sometimes feel that I'm a bad mother. Yes, I should know better than that, but this is how I feel. So, sometimes I have to remind myself of the great job that I'm doing.
So Misty, when you look in her eyes, be reminded that she is a remarkable, intelligent, strong, hilarious, & insightful (she has words of wisdom like an elder) young woman. And she is that way IN SPITE OF not having him in her life.
With the support of your family Misty, you've done a pretty good job!
Misty...no matter what you feel...you are an awesome mother.
Pick your mouths up...there's a reason why I'm saying this.
It recently hit me that my Pumpkin is going to be a senior soon. My baby...a senior! All kinds of emotions run through my head when I think about that. I don't want to talk about those right now. What I DO want to discuss is one thing...a decision that I made a long time ago...
...the decision to sleep with her father.
Sounds messed up, right? Let me explain...
For anyone who has met Pumpkin, they know that at first, upon her meeting you, she's a quiet teenager. That's only because she's getting a feel of the people around her. Once she feels like you're "ok", she starts to relax & lets loose! She's brutally honest, a character, & a comedian. She will keep you in tears with the things that comes out of her mouth. She is, of course, my child.
I just hate the fact that I chose "him" to be her dad.
I could give you the typical "baby mama" responses. You know, the "what he doesn't do" crap. At the end of the day, I made the decision to sleep with him over 16 years ago.
At one point he was the "perfect" father...but things changed.
And before you say anything, NO, he was not always like this. There was a time when their bond was unbreakable. I still don't know what happened...or why it happened...& I may not ever understand it. But that's change, right?
Change is inevitable. Change is shocking. Change can bring you to tears...
...and that change has broken me down on numerous occasions.
I wish that I could say that I've gotten used to it...I haven't. Why you ask? Simply because my Pumpkin deserves better. She deserves a father who loves her & cares for her.
I'm not saying that he doesn't...well...I don't know what I'm saying when it comes to that.
I'm just saying that I feel like it's MY fault that she doesn't have a father in her life, because I feel like I made the wrong decision in being with him.
She has father figures, that's for sure. My dad is her partner in crime. The conversations that they have together are funny & priceless. She looks for him before she looks for me.
At the same time, she deserves her real father. I understand that it's beyond my control. I know that it has nothing to do with me. He's an adult, he has free will, & he can do what he wants. I just wish that one of them was getting to know his only child better.
Everything happens for a reason though. If I hadn't met him, if I hadn't slept with him, she wouldn't be here. She is my ONLY child. I can't birth anymore babies, so I thank God daily for her & for her love...even when she tests me.
(Hey, she IS a teenager, right??)
And for that fact...for that one decision that I made 16 years ago...I sometimes feel that I'm a bad mother. Yes, I should know better than that, but this is how I feel. So, sometimes I have to remind myself of the great job that I'm doing.
So Misty, when you look in her eyes, be reminded that she is a remarkable, intelligent, strong, hilarious, & insightful (she has words of wisdom like an elder) young woman. And she is that way IN SPITE OF not having him in her life.
With the support of your family Misty, you've done a pretty good job!
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Just try it.
Today, someone gave me a compliment...
"you have a beautiful smile..."
...and he kept walking.
Now, this may mean nothing to y'all, but it meant a lot to me. He was a stranger...he's never seen me before, & he wasn't trying to "push up" on me. He just wanted me to know that my smile was beautiful.
And I needed to hear that.
Don't get me wrong, I compliment myself on a constant basis. Anyone who knows me, knows that. I think that I have the most enchanting light brown eyes in the world. (even though I can't see...lol) However, there's NOTHING like hearing that from someone. It's even more special to me when I hear it from someone that cares about me.
I don't hear those like I used to though. I don't hear the "you look greats" anymore. I don't see a simple smile that says "hey, I can't put it into words, but you look awesome". I can't lie...I miss that. When I'm with someone & they're looking nice, I let them know. I tell them that they're looking stunning or that they're smelling great. I tell them....male or female....that they're the picture of perfection.
Who doesn't like to hear that?
Now, don't get it twisted, I don't need a compliment to survive. I'm just saying that it's nice to hear it every now & then.
And why DON'T we compliment people anymore?? Is it so hard to stop someone & let a woman know that her shoes are nice...or tell a man that he looks nice in that suit?? Are we so afraid that someone is going to look at us sideways & cuss us out? That ONE compliment may brighten someone's day. It may keep a smile on their face for the rest of the day. It may take them from a dark place to a beautiful one...just because you let them know that something about them stood out to you.
When I see my girls, I let them know that they're beautiful. (They're response is usually "I know!" LOL) When I see my "brothers", I tell them that they look as if they should be on the cover of GQ. It could be the way that a woman wears her makeup or her hair. It could be the way that a man smells as he passes by or the way that his Polo shirt hangs perfectly off his shoulders. If I see someone, I'll compliment them!
Stop someone & compliment them...especially if you care about them. Don't become complacent just because you've been with someone for a long time. That one compliment could become a steamy night of passion...lol.
And Misty, just in case I haven't told you, your eyes have been sparkling more & more lately, & with that smile of yours, you're bound to brighten up any room!
"you have a beautiful smile..."
...and he kept walking.
Now, this may mean nothing to y'all, but it meant a lot to me. He was a stranger...he's never seen me before, & he wasn't trying to "push up" on me. He just wanted me to know that my smile was beautiful.
And I needed to hear that.
Don't get me wrong, I compliment myself on a constant basis. Anyone who knows me, knows that. I think that I have the most enchanting light brown eyes in the world. (even though I can't see...lol) However, there's NOTHING like hearing that from someone. It's even more special to me when I hear it from someone that cares about me.
I don't hear those like I used to though. I don't hear the "you look greats" anymore. I don't see a simple smile that says "hey, I can't put it into words, but you look awesome". I can't lie...I miss that. When I'm with someone & they're looking nice, I let them know. I tell them that they're looking stunning or that they're smelling great. I tell them....male or female....that they're the picture of perfection.
Who doesn't like to hear that?
Now, don't get it twisted, I don't need a compliment to survive. I'm just saying that it's nice to hear it every now & then.
And why DON'T we compliment people anymore?? Is it so hard to stop someone & let a woman know that her shoes are nice...or tell a man that he looks nice in that suit?? Are we so afraid that someone is going to look at us sideways & cuss us out? That ONE compliment may brighten someone's day. It may keep a smile on their face for the rest of the day. It may take them from a dark place to a beautiful one...just because you let them know that something about them stood out to you.
When I see my girls, I let them know that they're beautiful. (They're response is usually "I know!" LOL) When I see my "brothers", I tell them that they look as if they should be on the cover of GQ. It could be the way that a woman wears her makeup or her hair. It could be the way that a man smells as he passes by or the way that his Polo shirt hangs perfectly off his shoulders. If I see someone, I'll compliment them!
Stop someone & compliment them...especially if you care about them. Don't become complacent just because you've been with someone for a long time. That one compliment could become a steamy night of passion...lol.
And Misty, just in case I haven't told you, your eyes have been sparkling more & more lately, & with that smile of yours, you're bound to brighten up any room!
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Fantasy & Reality
I know that one of my friends is going to hate this blog, & that's fine. I don't care. This is how I truly feel. This may be one of the most blunt things that I've written, so if you're prudish, go ahead & stop reading right now...
...you're still here? OK...well you've asked for it.
I received a drunk text the other night from someone that I hadn't heard from in a VERY long time. We all know what happens when someone drunk texts...and yeah, the text was very sexual. He said that he wanted my ass in his face. (Oh, NOW you want to stop reading, don't you? I told you that this was blunt!) When I read the text, I wasn't shocked. It did something else to me though...it hurt me to my core. I sat in my car, in front of my house, & I cried. Not just a regular, quiet cry...I SOBBED!!! I'm talking about my eyes were puffy, nose running, short of breath...the whole nine. Why you ask? If you want to keep reading, then I'll tell you...
I started looking back on my past with men. I can't tell you the last time that I've had a REAL relationship, whatever that may be. I've had men who've had other women (I'm woman enough to admit that, & to admit that I was wrong), I've had men who "claimed" that they loved me, but never proved it, unless it was in the bed. And worst of all...I've been the "friend"..with benefits, of course.
I realized that I have been every man's fantasy. There's no other way to say it. I know how to make a man happy in the bedroom, and that's just the honest truth about it. Somehow, no matter how big of a heart that I think that I may have, it's never been good enough to be in a relationship with someone. I allow them to do what they want because I didn't feel the need to give my heart to someone. And here I am...37 years old...looking back on my life & realizing that shit hurts...it hurts like hell.
Don't get me wrong, I wanted all of this attention...I craved it...I yearned for it...and at the time...I LOVED IT!!!! In the end, it left me empty...which is why I'm hurting now.
I am the common denominator in all of that though.
(Here's where my friend cringes...he hates it when I say "common denominator"...oh well)
When I say "common denominator", I mean that in every situation that I've been in when it comes to "relationships", every time that it's gone wrong, I am the one factor that hasn't changed. I'm the one that has been a part of all of it...and I'm the only one who can change the way that my next interaction with a man goes.
I don't want to just be a man's fantasy...I want to be his reality as well.
My gift & my curse is my big heart, so even when it was just a "sexual relationship" I made sure that the man in my life at that time was straight. They never looked out for Misty...ever. When I was ill, nothing. When I needed a shoulder to cry on, nothing. But I was strong for them....henceforth why I'm "in my feelings" now. It's ok though....I'm a big girl & I can handle it.
I have no choice.
All that I'm saying is this: at some point I had to learn to love myself more. I have to learn to be ok with being "in my feelings" because hell, I'm allowed to have them. I am worth so much more now than I was back then. I am a funny, intelligent, caring, beautiful, loving woman...and a man has to love that about me before he loves what I can do to him physically.
I am who I am...nothing more, nothing less. Love me or leave me alone.
...you're still here? OK...well you've asked for it.
I received a drunk text the other night from someone that I hadn't heard from in a VERY long time. We all know what happens when someone drunk texts...and yeah, the text was very sexual. He said that he wanted my ass in his face. (Oh, NOW you want to stop reading, don't you? I told you that this was blunt!) When I read the text, I wasn't shocked. It did something else to me though...it hurt me to my core. I sat in my car, in front of my house, & I cried. Not just a regular, quiet cry...I SOBBED!!! I'm talking about my eyes were puffy, nose running, short of breath...the whole nine. Why you ask? If you want to keep reading, then I'll tell you...
I started looking back on my past with men. I can't tell you the last time that I've had a REAL relationship, whatever that may be. I've had men who've had other women (I'm woman enough to admit that, & to admit that I was wrong), I've had men who "claimed" that they loved me, but never proved it, unless it was in the bed. And worst of all...I've been the "friend"..with benefits, of course.
I realized that I have been every man's fantasy. There's no other way to say it. I know how to make a man happy in the bedroom, and that's just the honest truth about it. Somehow, no matter how big of a heart that I think that I may have, it's never been good enough to be in a relationship with someone. I allow them to do what they want because I didn't feel the need to give my heart to someone. And here I am...37 years old...looking back on my life & realizing that shit hurts...it hurts like hell.
Don't get me wrong, I wanted all of this attention...I craved it...I yearned for it...and at the time...I LOVED IT!!!! In the end, it left me empty...which is why I'm hurting now.
I am the common denominator in all of that though.
(Here's where my friend cringes...he hates it when I say "common denominator"...oh well)
When I say "common denominator", I mean that in every situation that I've been in when it comes to "relationships", every time that it's gone wrong, I am the one factor that hasn't changed. I'm the one that has been a part of all of it...and I'm the only one who can change the way that my next interaction with a man goes.
I don't want to just be a man's fantasy...I want to be his reality as well.
My gift & my curse is my big heart, so even when it was just a "sexual relationship" I made sure that the man in my life at that time was straight. They never looked out for Misty...ever. When I was ill, nothing. When I needed a shoulder to cry on, nothing. But I was strong for them....henceforth why I'm "in my feelings" now. It's ok though....I'm a big girl & I can handle it.
I have no choice.
All that I'm saying is this: at some point I had to learn to love myself more. I have to learn to be ok with being "in my feelings" because hell, I'm allowed to have them. I am worth so much more now than I was back then. I am a funny, intelligent, caring, beautiful, loving woman...and a man has to love that about me before he loves what I can do to him physically.
I am who I am...nothing more, nothing less. Love me or leave me alone.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Weak, but Strong
As strong as I am for so many people...mentally, emotionally, spiritually...I have moments where I am weak.
These moments are bad...they're horrible. They're very rare, but they are there.
People have called me "sensitive" or "emotional". So what? Am I not allowed to be this way? Is it because I'm so aggressive with everyone else? It doesn't matter...I'm HUMAN & I have my own emotional issues.
I rarely tell anyone about them. I don't like opening up when it comes to my personal shit. I try to handle everything on my own. I try to take the advice that I give to everyone else. The question is this: who do I go to when I'M having a breakdown?? Who is going to tell Misty that it's going to be ok??
I have to fall to my knees for that answer. I've screamed "OH GOD HELP ME!!!" so many times that He should be tired of hearing my voice. He never is though..He tends to send me someone every now & then. I call them my "support staff". They all have different jobs, but their jobs are extremely important to "Team Misty".
My best friend, Kelly is the president of the support staff...she doesn't know it (well, she will if she reads this...lol), but she's always been my strength. God blessed me with the most wonderful best friend in the world. I met her in 1990 in the Lincoln High School choir room. Who would've ever thought that we'd still be friends 22 years later?? Because of the distance (she lives in New Orleans), we don't see each other like we used to, but my love for her still gets stronger daily. I really don't think that I've been the friend that I should be to her...she listens to my issues on a constant basis. She's heard my tears, my heart break, my disappointments...& she's always told me the blunt, honest truth. She's loved me, made me laugh, & has always dried my tears...even from a distance. My Kelly Ann is the best...and she always will be #1 in my heart.
Now, I have a few friends & many associates. My support staff is deep...& I'm not saying that they don't love me through my issues, because they do...but Kelly is on my mind on a constant basis. I miss her. I see her in Pumpkin. (I swear they're just alike...lol) She was on my heart more than anyone else. So, if you're thinking "why didn't she say shit about me??"...get out of your feelings! You should know that I love you..I say it constantly. GEEZ!!!
OK...back to my normal ramblings...
Somewhere along this road called life, I lost my way. I've lost it several times. It's only by the grace of God that I manage to get back on the right road. There is still a part of me that's wondering where my life went. Maybe it's because I'm getting older & I'm realizing that the only thing that I've accomplished is raising my daughter. I know there's more to life than this...I KNOW IT! I just have to find it.
I've been on edge lately because I'm wanting to "run away". I know what you're thinking..."aren't you in Houston every other weekend?" And yeah, for the most part, I am. However, I want to do something different...I don't care if I do a "staycation" somewhere...I just need to get away from it all. I feel as if life is starting to consume me, & I have to stop it.
I constantly say "I'm a big girl...I can handle it"...and I am. Sometimes though, that little girl peeks out & wants to scream, cry, & whine so that someone will hear her. And that's when I have my "moments".
I'm allowed...as long as I can get through them & grow from them.
These moments are bad...they're horrible. They're very rare, but they are there.
People have called me "sensitive" or "emotional". So what? Am I not allowed to be this way? Is it because I'm so aggressive with everyone else? It doesn't matter...I'm HUMAN & I have my own emotional issues.
I rarely tell anyone about them. I don't like opening up when it comes to my personal shit. I try to handle everything on my own. I try to take the advice that I give to everyone else. The question is this: who do I go to when I'M having a breakdown?? Who is going to tell Misty that it's going to be ok??
I have to fall to my knees for that answer. I've screamed "OH GOD HELP ME!!!" so many times that He should be tired of hearing my voice. He never is though..He tends to send me someone every now & then. I call them my "support staff". They all have different jobs, but their jobs are extremely important to "Team Misty".
My best friend, Kelly is the president of the support staff...she doesn't know it (well, she will if she reads this...lol), but she's always been my strength. God blessed me with the most wonderful best friend in the world. I met her in 1990 in the Lincoln High School choir room. Who would've ever thought that we'd still be friends 22 years later?? Because of the distance (she lives in New Orleans), we don't see each other like we used to, but my love for her still gets stronger daily. I really don't think that I've been the friend that I should be to her...she listens to my issues on a constant basis. She's heard my tears, my heart break, my disappointments...& she's always told me the blunt, honest truth. She's loved me, made me laugh, & has always dried my tears...even from a distance. My Kelly Ann is the best...and she always will be #1 in my heart.
Now, I have a few friends & many associates. My support staff is deep...& I'm not saying that they don't love me through my issues, because they do...but Kelly is on my mind on a constant basis. I miss her. I see her in Pumpkin. (I swear they're just alike...lol) She was on my heart more than anyone else. So, if you're thinking "why didn't she say shit about me??"...get out of your feelings! You should know that I love you..I say it constantly. GEEZ!!!
OK...back to my normal ramblings...
Somewhere along this road called life, I lost my way. I've lost it several times. It's only by the grace of God that I manage to get back on the right road. There is still a part of me that's wondering where my life went. Maybe it's because I'm getting older & I'm realizing that the only thing that I've accomplished is raising my daughter. I know there's more to life than this...I KNOW IT! I just have to find it.
I've been on edge lately because I'm wanting to "run away". I know what you're thinking..."aren't you in Houston every other weekend?" And yeah, for the most part, I am. However, I want to do something different...I don't care if I do a "staycation" somewhere...I just need to get away from it all. I feel as if life is starting to consume me, & I have to stop it.
I constantly say "I'm a big girl...I can handle it"...and I am. Sometimes though, that little girl peeks out & wants to scream, cry, & whine so that someone will hear her. And that's when I have my "moments".
I'm allowed...as long as I can get through them & grow from them.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Female Issues
Can you believe it? Another blog within a 48 hour period?? I must really have something on my mind. If I'm writing another blog, well, that should make it obvious, right?
I'm wondering if there's something wrong with me. I don't do the things that a "normal" female would.
Follow me...
I don't get my nails done...you know, the acrylic & all that stuff. A simple mani & pedi will do me just fine. I don't want the expensive purses out there. I'll admire the shoes, but damn, who in the hell decided that stilettos was the way to go? I go for comfort & style, thank you kindly. Clothes...if it's cute & it fits, then I'll buy it. But I'm "frugal", so I'm not paying full price for anything...unless it's my birthday. I'll splurge then.
I have only seen one episode of "Sex In The City" & I didn't understand what the big deal was. I HATE Lifetime movies because they're too dramatic, even for me. Just look at the titles of those movies: "When She Didn't Come Home" or "Her Dark Secret"...REALLY?? I hate chick flicks & would prefer to watch a comedy or an action movie over them. Why in the hell do I want to watch a movie that will have me in my damn feelings? These hormone pills don't have an "overdrive" function, you know.
I don't get my hair done every other week. I'm so grateful that I went natural over two years ago. I feel sexier with my natural.
Makeup though...I LOVE makeup!!! That's probably the only feminine thing that I can say that I'll do. Then again, most men approach me when I have NO makeup on. *shrugs*
Does it make sense now??
I've watched women post pics on Facebook of a bag that they want, or some shoes that they bought. I don't mind looking at them, because some of them ARE cute, but would I actually go out & buy it? Nope. I never understood why I should have a $300 bag when I don't have $30 to put in it.
You will probably never see me have a purse that matches my outfit...unless it's black. Everyone knows that black goes with everything.
I've never understood why I'm like that. I remember being in high school & while other girls were in the mall buying clothes, I was buying CD's. (See, there goes that music thing again.)
So I have been wondering if something is wrong with me. Does it make me any less of a woman because I don't do these "female things"? Am I crazy because I don't go "ga-ga" over the latest styles & fashions?
Naw, I think it just makes me different. I see myself as a simple woman who likes simple things. I'm not "average", & I think that I will be alright with that. You can have the names & labels, if that's your thing. I'm not knocking you for it. But for Misty, give me a tank top & some shorts or jeans & I'm GOOD...
...and I'm comfortable too...lol
I'm wondering if there's something wrong with me. I don't do the things that a "normal" female would.
Follow me...
I don't get my nails done...you know, the acrylic & all that stuff. A simple mani & pedi will do me just fine. I don't want the expensive purses out there. I'll admire the shoes, but damn, who in the hell decided that stilettos was the way to go? I go for comfort & style, thank you kindly. Clothes...if it's cute & it fits, then I'll buy it. But I'm "frugal", so I'm not paying full price for anything...unless it's my birthday. I'll splurge then.
I have only seen one episode of "Sex In The City" & I didn't understand what the big deal was. I HATE Lifetime movies because they're too dramatic, even for me. Just look at the titles of those movies: "When She Didn't Come Home" or "Her Dark Secret"...REALLY?? I hate chick flicks & would prefer to watch a comedy or an action movie over them. Why in the hell do I want to watch a movie that will have me in my damn feelings? These hormone pills don't have an "overdrive" function, you know.
I don't get my hair done every other week. I'm so grateful that I went natural over two years ago. I feel sexier with my natural.
Makeup though...I LOVE makeup!!! That's probably the only feminine thing that I can say that I'll do. Then again, most men approach me when I have NO makeup on. *shrugs*
Does it make sense now??
I've watched women post pics on Facebook of a bag that they want, or some shoes that they bought. I don't mind looking at them, because some of them ARE cute, but would I actually go out & buy it? Nope. I never understood why I should have a $300 bag when I don't have $30 to put in it.
You will probably never see me have a purse that matches my outfit...unless it's black. Everyone knows that black goes with everything.
I've never understood why I'm like that. I remember being in high school & while other girls were in the mall buying clothes, I was buying CD's. (See, there goes that music thing again.)
So I have been wondering if something is wrong with me. Does it make me any less of a woman because I don't do these "female things"? Am I crazy because I don't go "ga-ga" over the latest styles & fashions?
Naw, I think it just makes me different. I see myself as a simple woman who likes simple things. I'm not "average", & I think that I will be alright with that. You can have the names & labels, if that's your thing. I'm not knocking you for it. But for Misty, give me a tank top & some shorts or jeans & I'm GOOD...
...and I'm comfortable too...lol
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Musical Interludes
If anyone claims to know me, they know that I love music.
No, I don't think that you understand, I LOVE music! I love everything about it...I love the beats, the words, the way that a voice inflects the pain or the love that someone feels. I can listen to anything, from R&B to country...from gospel to heavy metal. If it has a beat, I'll listen. I post a lot of music on my Facebook wall when I'm in the mood. I had a friend that used to DJ with me until he got off of FB. That used to be so much fun because we used to try to top each other. Good times, good stuff...
Music is the soundtrack of my life. I can listen to a song & it brings back a memory...whether good or bad. I can tell you exactly what was going on at that moment in time. Sometimes it'll make me cry...I'm not talking about just in my heart, I'm talking about real tears...crocodile tears, if you will. Music has influenced my life just that much.
It could be it's because my dad was a DJ. It could be because my grandmother sang in the church choir. Whatever the reason is, music is & always will be my first love. (Well, before the birth of my daughter, but I digress...)
When I write, when I want peace, when I'm angry, when I'm in praise mode...I'm listening to music. It has given me clarity on situations in my life.
Right now, I'm listening to "No Happy Holidays" by Mary J. Blige. I can remember thinking that this song was my life at one point in time. It was so hard to listen to this song because I knew what I had to do. *sighs...*
Another song that brings tears to my eyes EVERY time I hear it is Jazmine Sullivan's "I'm In Love With Another Man". She sang that song so passionately that I cry to the point that my eyes are puffy. I've been there too. I probably could've had someone better but I was so stuck on one person that I let the other one pass me by because I thought that I wasn't good enough for the one that truly deserved my love.
(Shut up...I've made some bad decisions in my life...like you haven't!)
Now "I'm A Mess" by Anthony Hamilton is playing. That old school feel is so serious on this one. Not to mention it sounds a little like a gospel song too. I love this one!
I was told a few months to listen to Smokie Norful's "Run Till I Finish"...another one that makes me shed tears. The person that told me to listen to that has been through a lot, so when I hear it, he immediately comes to mind, & I thank God for His grace & mercy.
Beyonce's "Resentment"....the live version...for this line..."you could've told me, you weren't happy...I know you didn't wanna hurt me, but look what you done to me now. I've gotta look her in her eyes & see she's had half of me...SHE AIN'T EVEN HALF OF ME!!" (I've felt this pain...karma's a bitch people...)
I could go on & on with my love & passion for music. I'm a band geek (clarinet) & I love hearing a great vocalist because I was in the high school choir. If I have nothing, I have music. You want me to relax? Give me music. You want me to stop talking? Play a song. Hell even when I'm drunk I start to sing. (LMAO)
Music soothes the savage beast...& I can get in beast mode a lot...but as long as I have my playlists, I'll be soothed.
No, I don't think that you understand, I LOVE music! I love everything about it...I love the beats, the words, the way that a voice inflects the pain or the love that someone feels. I can listen to anything, from R&B to country...from gospel to heavy metal. If it has a beat, I'll listen. I post a lot of music on my Facebook wall when I'm in the mood. I had a friend that used to DJ with me until he got off of FB. That used to be so much fun because we used to try to top each other. Good times, good stuff...
Music is the soundtrack of my life. I can listen to a song & it brings back a memory...whether good or bad. I can tell you exactly what was going on at that moment in time. Sometimes it'll make me cry...I'm not talking about just in my heart, I'm talking about real tears...crocodile tears, if you will. Music has influenced my life just that much.
It could be it's because my dad was a DJ. It could be because my grandmother sang in the church choir. Whatever the reason is, music is & always will be my first love. (Well, before the birth of my daughter, but I digress...)
When I write, when I want peace, when I'm angry, when I'm in praise mode...I'm listening to music. It has given me clarity on situations in my life.
Right now, I'm listening to "No Happy Holidays" by Mary J. Blige. I can remember thinking that this song was my life at one point in time. It was so hard to listen to this song because I knew what I had to do. *sighs...*
Another song that brings tears to my eyes EVERY time I hear it is Jazmine Sullivan's "I'm In Love With Another Man". She sang that song so passionately that I cry to the point that my eyes are puffy. I've been there too. I probably could've had someone better but I was so stuck on one person that I let the other one pass me by because I thought that I wasn't good enough for the one that truly deserved my love.
(Shut up...I've made some bad decisions in my life...like you haven't!)
Now "I'm A Mess" by Anthony Hamilton is playing. That old school feel is so serious on this one. Not to mention it sounds a little like a gospel song too. I love this one!
I was told a few months to listen to Smokie Norful's "Run Till I Finish"...another one that makes me shed tears. The person that told me to listen to that has been through a lot, so when I hear it, he immediately comes to mind, & I thank God for His grace & mercy.
Beyonce's "Resentment"....the live version...for this line..."you could've told me, you weren't happy...I know you didn't wanna hurt me, but look what you done to me now. I've gotta look her in her eyes & see she's had half of me...SHE AIN'T EVEN HALF OF ME!!" (I've felt this pain...karma's a bitch people...)
I could go on & on with my love & passion for music. I'm a band geek (clarinet) & I love hearing a great vocalist because I was in the high school choir. If I have nothing, I have music. You want me to relax? Give me music. You want me to stop talking? Play a song. Hell even when I'm drunk I start to sing. (LMAO)
Music soothes the savage beast...& I can get in beast mode a lot...but as long as I have my playlists, I'll be soothed.
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