Life is a Highway

Before I begin, understand that this blog is VERY random. I have a lot on my mind. There is no rhyme or reason to this. If you choose to keep reading, cool. If not, who cares? 

Can it be that it was all so simple?

Nope. It never is. As much as you want it to be, it never truly is.

Understand this: just because YOU want it simple, doesn't mean that the people in your life wants it that way. Some people just love drama. It's who they are. Some people will purposely make things complicated just so that they can have drama. They love it. They crave it. They NEED it. And when you're around someone who's like that, you should just move around, right?

It's not that simple. When you've been around people for so long, or if you've been in a relationship for a while, you don't want to leave them on the side of the road. The question is this: how can you move forward to your destination if they need help all of the time? You can't. You have to let them figure out how to move on their own. It's not that you don't want for them to reach their destination, but you have to know that you have a different stop than they do. So you keep moving. And you will hurt. You will hurt because you want that person to move with you. And it's ok to hurt. But it's NOT ok to stay stuck in traffic, feel me? Your path is yours. Their path is theirs. 

Another thing: I'll be 40 next April. I've either become extremely grouchy, or I can't deal with stupid shit. I have told several people not to even talk to me because you won't like my opinion. The minute that you say "what do you think I should do?", I'm going to tell you. You won't like my response. In fact, you'll probably hate it. NOT MY PROBLEM!!!! I've been side-eyeing people a lot. I'm trying not to ask "are you a fucking idiot??", because I swear that they are. When I walk away, people think that I'm being silly. I'm trying to save you from getting this work. My mouth is very fly, so it's best that I move around. Otherwise, you'll be upset with me...not that I care...but I'm just saying....

Recently, I've been judged on my past. I've done some shit that wasn't right. I've done shit that was downright stupid and selfish. If I even TOUCHED on the shit that I've done, most of you wouldn't talk to my ass anymore. But you know what??? IT'S MY SHIT!!!!  I can own up to my mistakes...my past. And that's just what it is...MY PAST!!!  My past has brought me to where I am today. The thing about my past is this: I can teach others from my mistakes. That's what you should know about Misty: I'm not going to speak on anything that I haven't gone through. My past has taught me who I was, who I am, and who I'm destined to be. But go ahead, keep judging. It's ok. I'm woman enough to know that I've pulled some bullshit stunts, but I've matured and overcome them all. The first step is admitting that you've done wrong. Hey...most folks can't do that shit though. *shrugs*

I recently asked God to do something. He's doing it. And the way that He did it really messed my head up. I'm listening though. I got You. I'm going to be wherever You lead me.

(Yes, I went from cussing to God. I'm being worked on. Shut up.)

There's so much shit that I want to say, but I don't. Yes, even I know how to shut the fuck up sometimes. I'll just look and smile. It's my filter. It's the way that I step back and say, "Say girl, you'd better leave that thought in your damn head!" Not too many people get to enjoy who I truly am, simply because people aren't brave enough to do so. I'm more than what you see on social media. I'm more than what you've heard about me. You wanna know about Misty, then ASK MISTY. Plain and simple.

By the way, I miss my kid. She's a good girl. Truth be known, I miss her little friends too. Those girls have their heads on straight. I pray that they stay that way.

This randomness has made my head hurt. I thought that this would make me feel better. It didn't.  But it's out there now. Fuck it. Whatever. I'm going study.

It's been a minute since I've written anything. Well, it's been longer than a minute. Things have happened...things have changed. I don't even know what I'm going to write about. So, I'll just say that this is extremely random.

Hey, that's who I am, right?  So....let's go!

The kid is officially a college freshman! *insert applause here*  I'm proud of her. She's showing her independent nature. I love that about her. I can't lie, I miss seeing her face. It's not the same without her being around. Her laughter is what makes me smile. Knowing that she's striving to meet her goals makes me smile even more.

So apparently I've been extremely mean lately. It's not intentional. I'm thinking that now that I'm about to turn 40 next year, my tolerance for bullshit is at an all time low. I try not to say anything. I'm becoming very good at it. BUT, once you ask me "what do you think?", all bets are off. I wouldn't even ask me that question. More than likely you won't like my answer. You want me to agree with you. I can't. I won't. I'm going to give it to you straight, no chaser. And why ask me? You're going to do what you want to do anyway? Stop wasting BOTH of our time. SMDH

What???

I don't know why I'm writing this. I have no idea what I'm about to say. My soul feels like writing, so I am. Maybe I have something to purge & I don't know how to let it out. Let's see how this goes...

Lately, I've been making my friends & loved ones hold themselves accountable for their decisions. I can no longer pacify people, including myself. I want the people that are close to me to force themselves to go to the next level, & not take a lifetime to do so. I'm 38 years old & I've procrastinated most of my life. And for what? Life just passed me by. And now, I'm back in school...again...while my child is preparing to graduate from high school. Who does that? Don't get me wrong, I'm loving the decision that I've made, but I should have done this a LONG time ago. I could say that "life happened", but it would be an excuse. I've given so many excuses in my life. I'm not about to sit around & allow my friends to do the same. It's begun to hurt me to see my friends hurting. And now, because I'm giving them "tough love", I think they're beginning to resent me. Don't get it twisted, I don't give a damn if they're resenting me. I'd rather them hate me than for them to keep making the same mistakes over & over again...

....I'm guilty of that shit. All that it does is cause more pain. If you can stop the pain, then do so. Don't just put a band-aid over it & keep pulling it off of the wound. That shit hurts.

Then there's the negative people. OMG I become ill around people like that! And to think, I was once one of those people!!!  Let me thank GOD that He's helping me change my thinking!!!  I think it was why I was constantly having migraines...why my life wasn't going right...why I put up with just anything. I had to learn to love ME again. Now, let's get one thing out of the way, just because I'm learning to love me again, it's NOT an excuse as to why I'm single. Oh HELL NAW!!! WHEN a good man comes my way, I'm going to pull out my resume & show him why I'm the right candidate for the job. KMSL!!!!

I've made my share of mistakes. There's one that I've been beating myself up over for a while now. I know that I shouldn't. It is what it is. I can't help but be upset with myself about it. It's my little secret. I'll speak on it eventually, I guess. As for now, I have to stop giving myself a black eye because of this. I have to tell myself that it's a lesson learned, as everything in life is. *shrugs*

If you're close to me, understand that this is who I am now. I can no longer sit & watch someone be unhappy. Me being who I am, I want for everyone to smile. It USED to be that I would be sad & never show it so that others could be happy. I'm not sacrificing my happiness anymore. Selfish? Yep...it damn sure is! However, someone close told me one day that I need to become more selfish...so I am. 

Wait...that whole last paragraph was random. Let me try to focus again...

I'm going to call you out on your shit. I think the rational me has left the building. People don't understand being rational. Sometimes you have to say things differently in order for people to get the true meaning of what you're trying to convey.  So, I'm going a different route. I'm going to be more blunt in CERTAIN situations. If you're looking for sympathy, I don't have it. That part of me is busted. 

I guess that I just had to ramble for a bit. If you read this thinking, "what was her point?"....well...sometimes I don't need one. Sometimes, I just need to rant about absolutely nothing. Ah well!

You THINK You Need It

It took me a minute to write this one. I had to do some serious thinking, because I know that many won't understand this blog. Let me rephrase that...it's not that people WON'T understand it, it's that people don't really want to do so. Let's start off with a vocabulary lesson, shall we?

closure - (noun) 1. The act of closing or the state of being closed.
                         2. Something that closes or shuts.
                         3. A bringing to an end; a conclusion.
                         4. the property of being mathematically closed.

I'm going to focus on the third meaning of this word. 

People always say "I need closure" or "I'll be at peace when I get closure". It's human nature to want closure about things, whether it's relationships, deaths, or trying to get an understanding about what happened with a certain situation. Here's the thing about closure:

You may never get it.

Ever.

Ever...in...life.

Follow me for a minute: let's say that your relationship ended abruptly. You never saw it coming. You were shocked, & you're sitting there trying to figure out what happened. Why did it happen? What did you do wrong? You go from the first day that you met until the day that it ended, trying to figure out why that person no longer wants you. All of a sudden you decide that you need closure. One question for you: what if that person doesn't want to give you the closure that you think that you deserve? Are you going to stop living your life because you didn't get that closure from that person? 

(ok, that was two questions, but you get my point)

Although it feels like it at the time, you can't stop your life because you didn't get that closure. It's life. Life happens.

Something else that you should ponder: maybe, just maybe, God is saving you from a deeper hurt by NOT giving you the closure that you feel you need. That "closure" could be the worst thing that's ever happened to you. It may bring forth other issues that you're not mentally or emotionally ready to handle. It's God's way of protecting you.  

Here's my point: sometimes not getting closure IS your closure.

Does that make sense? You can't go through life thinking "If I had just gotten that closure I'd be doing something different" or "I needed that closure to move on". No you don't. You need the strength that God gave you to move on. That's it. Nothing else. 

Be at peace about not having closure. You may have no other choice. 

(And this is the way that I'm ending this blog. This is my blog closure. I didn't know any other way to end it this time. LOL)

My Super Hero

It's the first blog of 2014, which means I made it through 2013!

I can't say that I wasn't ready for the year to end, because I was. For some reason, the end of each year ends shitty for me. It never fails. Something always happens to me at the end of the year. I might speak on it, I might not...but something ALWAYS happens to me. This year, it happened again. Too much happened. I almost broke...ALMOST. I can't let that happen though. Not me.

2014 has already started off terribly. Now, don't get me wrong, I know that I'm blessed, but I also know that I could have handled a lot of things differently.

Wait...I just lost my train of thought. Morgan is singing a Beyonce' song, "Superpower"...and she's singing it so beautifully. WOW!!!!

Now here's where my A.D.D. kicks in. (My friends & I always clown about us all having A.D.D....lol)  Just when I was about to write about something, my thoughts have changed.

This child of mine. My only daughter. My beautiful angel. My teenager. My strength. My love. My comedian. My realist. My sanity....

....graduates June 5, 2014.

For 17 years, I've watched this child in amazement. I know what you're thinking: what parent doesn't think that they're child is great??  And that's true! However, you have to hear my daughter to understand.

She's wise beyond her years. There's no gray area with her. It's black or it's white. It's right or wrong. And, as harsh as her words may come out, she speaks nothing but the honest truth. And if you can't handle that, she doesn't care. She'll tell you that's YOUR problem, not hers.

I wonder if she knows how many tears that I've shed already because I know her big day is coming up. What she DOESN'T know is that I am praying that she goes further than I have in education. Let's be real about this: anyone can graduate high school...graduating college is a CHOICE. I constantly tell her to be better than her "ma". Ma just decided to go back to school last semester. I tell her all of the time that I'm so proud of her, because I am. My honor roll student...and, if I have any say in it, my future psychologist!!!!  (She's majoring in forensic psychology...WOW!!!!)

I'm going to miss her laugh when she leaves for college. She has this big laugh that makes ME laugh. I'm going to miss our silly conversations about everything....and nothing. Her insight on things makes me think. She's just...wonderful!

For now, I'm going to cherish these moments. I have to say, I'm blessed. I haven't had any major trouble out of her (except for the usual teenage shit...but who doesn't go through that?). She's well-rounded, & even though she comes across as "mean", she's one of the most caring people that I know.

So, if you see me crying & smiling at the same time, it's because of her. It's because I'm a proud ma. I thought that I had prepared myself for this year, but I haven't. I'm sure that my emotions will be all over the place, but I know that the end result is going to be worth the tears.

I know one damn thing though....if she doesn't turn off this damn "Drunk In Love" I'm going to throw this laptop at her!!!  (She's playing it & laughing because she knows that it gets on my nerves.)

**Pumpkin, if you EVER read this blog, know that I've loved you from the first moment that I laid eyes on you. Your smile lights up my heart, those silly looks of yours keeps me laughing, your intellect amazes me. You are the BEST thing that's ever happened to me. I honestly don't know where I would be if God hadn't blessed me with you. You will never feel unloved because MA LOVES YOU TO LIFE!!! **

Changing This Settling Mentality

So recently, someone told me that I've changed.

I could have argued them down, told them that they were full of shit, & moved on....but I didn't....

...because that person is right.

I have indeed changed. It's a change that I should've done a LONG time ago. Just like most people, I hate change. No, seriously...I HATE it.

If you don't change, you don't grow. Well....hopefully you'll grow.

I've changed. I'm doing something that I never wanted to do as an adult. I'm growing up. Sounds silly, right? Think about it...we spend our teenage years saying we can't wait to be an adult, only to realize that being an adult is the hardest thing we'll ever do. It's hard because of the decisions that we make...and I've made some fucked up decisions that have come back to take a chunk out of my already flat ass.

I've changed. I want more out of life. I want more FOR my life. And, better yet, I DESERVE more out of my life. I've settled for way too long. I've settled in every area of my life, physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally...and at the age of 38, I've fucked off my life for too damn long. I can't keep doing that. I don't know how much longer God has given me to be here on this earth.

I've changed. That whole settling thing is bothering me more than normal lately. I've looked in the mirror & I've cried so many tears about things that I could start another ocean. You'd never know it though. I hide it well. My makeup addiction helps with that. I look at this child of mine & I'm pretty sure that I've inadvertently taught her how to settle. Nope. Can't do that anymore. She's all that I have. She is the closest thing to perfection that I've done in my life. I will NOT have her settle.

I've changed. I think it's why I chose to go back to school. I tell Morgan constantly that I don't want her to EVER be like her mom. I want her BETTER than me. She knows that the decision to go back to school was a tough one, but she looks at me & I can tell that she's proud of me. I want for her to graduate & then go on to get her Masters. I don't want for her to settle for a job when she can have a career. She deserves better, & I'm damn sure going to make sure that she does so!

I've changed. I'm requiring more from the people in my life. My friends have been saying that I fuss more, and I am. I don't want for them to make the mistakes that I've made. I don't want for them to endure the pain that I have, because I've settled. I want for them to understand that there ARE better things out there in the world. It's a damn shame that I had to realize this at the age of 38. I want for them to understand that my eyes have been opened to something bigger & better. They need to understand it NOW before they are like me...realizing that I'm older & wondering where my life has gone.

I've changed. I'm craving more than what I've accepted in my life. (and I've accepted a lot of bullshit) I can only blame myself for that shit. I'm not going to continue to be that woman. I deserve better than I've had. I'm becoming more vocal about things. If you don't like it, well, you can kiss my whole wide ass & kick rocks. I no longer care. If it's not about my well-being, then move around.

I've changed. My old ass, with my trick knee, smart ass mouth & all, is going to get out there & get what she deserves in life. Better late than never, right?

I've waited long enough. I'm doing what's right for MISTY. If you can't handle the change, then I'm sorry. I can no longer sit around & cry over things that I clearly HAVE control over. I have a life to live. God gave me this life 38 years ago, & it's about time that I showed Him how grateful that I am for this life...by LIVING it for ME.

My Little (Big) Secret

So this blog is going to take a lot out of me. It's one that I've been debating about for a very long time. I guess that I was worried about people judging me because of it, but it is a part of me & it's something that I have to release. I've kept this in for too long, & I'm realizing that this isn't healthy, not for a certain part of my life anyway. So...here goes nothing....

...for most of my dating life, I've been the other woman.

I can hear you now, calling me everything but a child of God. Unlike most people though, I can admit my sins & take responsibility for them.

The first guy that I fell in love with had a girlfriend. (I didn't know it at the time though.) My baby daddy? He was dating someone else & I didn't know it until I was too far gone to let go. Then I left him, he left her, he came back for me, we were a couple, had a baby, I left him, & he left his daughter...fuck my life.

Now, don't get it twisted, I was never one of those who called the house or anything like that. It was enough that I was disrespecting the relationship by just being with the man. I never wanted to meet the kids, never went to the house, never met the family...none of that. I never said anything foul or tried to approach the girlfriend/wife/significant other.

I guess you could say that I "knew my place".  It doesn't make it right, but hell, it is what it is.

It wasn't that many of them either...but it was enough. Enough for me to be ashamed of this.

It seemed like that's all that I attracted. These men made me feel special...yes I fell for the lines. Naivety at its best.

My thinking at the time was this: any issues that they had, don't bring it to me. Take it back home to the one  you truly love. I didn't have to worry about any of that stressing me out. We both know why we're here, so stop playing with my emotions & let's get down to business.

Fucked up, huh?  Yep...selfishness at its best.

Let me first say that I don't have "daddy issues". Sometimes that is the first assumption when a girl sleeps with a man that isn't hers. My daddy has always been in my life.

I guess it could be the typical "self esteem" answer too. And maybe my self-esteem was low. I haven't quite figured that part of it out yet.

What I DO know is that I only wanted one thing, & that was to feel loved & cared for...

....even if they didn't mean it.

One of them I truly loved. I often dreamed of being in his arms forever. His arms were my "safe place" from the hell that I was going through at the time. He was there for me in more ways than one could imagine. He taught me a lot about myself, & for that I'll be forever grateful.

In the end though...I wasn't who he wanted.

He married someone else.

Story of my life.

I have so much love to give...but back then, I gave it to the wrong people. I was selfish & I didn't care about anyone BUT Misty.

I keep saying this, but if karma is indeed real, she's got me in a chokehold. Someone close to me told me to stop saying that because it's that "old time religion" crap. Right now, all that I know is that I'm 38 years old & I've never had a "real" relationship. I often wonder if I'm being punished for the things that I've done in my past by being with men that weren't mine. Then again, I felt that no one really wanted to love or care for me, so I just took what I could & settled for that.

Hmmm...maybe it was my self-esteem.

I've wasted a lot of my life on this mess. I can think of at least two men who were single that truly wanted to be with me. I just never understood why they did.

I don't know what "normal" is when it comes to love. All that I know is that I deserve better than "2nd place". The sad part about this is that it took me a LONG time to understand that.

Judge me if you want. I can't write things like this & not have people make their assumptions about me. Like I said earlier, I can admit to the sins of my past.

I just have to learn not to let THIS part of my past consume me.