My Super Hero

It's the first blog of 2014, which means I made it through 2013!

I can't say that I wasn't ready for the year to end, because I was. For some reason, the end of each year ends shitty for me. It never fails. Something always happens to me at the end of the year. I might speak on it, I might not...but something ALWAYS happens to me. This year, it happened again. Too much happened. I almost broke...ALMOST. I can't let that happen though. Not me.

2014 has already started off terribly. Now, don't get me wrong, I know that I'm blessed, but I also know that I could have handled a lot of things differently.

Wait...I just lost my train of thought. Morgan is singing a Beyonce' song, "Superpower"...and she's singing it so beautifully. WOW!!!!

Now here's where my A.D.D. kicks in. (My friends & I always clown about us all having A.D.D....lol)  Just when I was about to write about something, my thoughts have changed.

This child of mine. My only daughter. My beautiful angel. My teenager. My strength. My love. My comedian. My realist. My sanity....

....graduates June 5, 2014.

For 17 years, I've watched this child in amazement. I know what you're thinking: what parent doesn't think that they're child is great??  And that's true! However, you have to hear my daughter to understand.

She's wise beyond her years. There's no gray area with her. It's black or it's white. It's right or wrong. And, as harsh as her words may come out, she speaks nothing but the honest truth. And if you can't handle that, she doesn't care. She'll tell you that's YOUR problem, not hers.

I wonder if she knows how many tears that I've shed already because I know her big day is coming up. What she DOESN'T know is that I am praying that she goes further than I have in education. Let's be real about this: anyone can graduate high school...graduating college is a CHOICE. I constantly tell her to be better than her "ma". Ma just decided to go back to school last semester. I tell her all of the time that I'm so proud of her, because I am. My honor roll student...and, if I have any say in it, my future psychologist!!!!  (She's majoring in forensic psychology...WOW!!!!)

I'm going to miss her laugh when she leaves for college. She has this big laugh that makes ME laugh. I'm going to miss our silly conversations about everything....and nothing. Her insight on things makes me think. She's just...wonderful!

For now, I'm going to cherish these moments. I have to say, I'm blessed. I haven't had any major trouble out of her (except for the usual teenage shit...but who doesn't go through that?). She's well-rounded, & even though she comes across as "mean", she's one of the most caring people that I know.

So, if you see me crying & smiling at the same time, it's because of her. It's because I'm a proud ma. I thought that I had prepared myself for this year, but I haven't. I'm sure that my emotions will be all over the place, but I know that the end result is going to be worth the tears.

I know one damn thing though....if she doesn't turn off this damn "Drunk In Love" I'm going to throw this laptop at her!!!  (She's playing it & laughing because she knows that it gets on my nerves.)

**Pumpkin, if you EVER read this blog, know that I've loved you from the first moment that I laid eyes on you. Your smile lights up my heart, those silly looks of yours keeps me laughing, your intellect amazes me. You are the BEST thing that's ever happened to me. I honestly don't know where I would be if God hadn't blessed me with you. You will never feel unloved because MA LOVES YOU TO LIFE!!! **

Changing This Settling Mentality

So recently, someone told me that I've changed.

I could have argued them down, told them that they were full of shit, & moved on....but I didn't....

...because that person is right.

I have indeed changed. It's a change that I should've done a LONG time ago. Just like most people, I hate change. No, seriously...I HATE it.

If you don't change, you don't grow. Well....hopefully you'll grow.

I've changed. I'm doing something that I never wanted to do as an adult. I'm growing up. Sounds silly, right? Think about it...we spend our teenage years saying we can't wait to be an adult, only to realize that being an adult is the hardest thing we'll ever do. It's hard because of the decisions that we make...and I've made some fucked up decisions that have come back to take a chunk out of my already flat ass.

I've changed. I want more out of life. I want more FOR my life. And, better yet, I DESERVE more out of my life. I've settled for way too long. I've settled in every area of my life, physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally...and at the age of 38, I've fucked off my life for too damn long. I can't keep doing that. I don't know how much longer God has given me to be here on this earth.

I've changed. That whole settling thing is bothering me more than normal lately. I've looked in the mirror & I've cried so many tears about things that I could start another ocean. You'd never know it though. I hide it well. My makeup addiction helps with that. I look at this child of mine & I'm pretty sure that I've inadvertently taught her how to settle. Nope. Can't do that anymore. She's all that I have. She is the closest thing to perfection that I've done in my life. I will NOT have her settle.

I've changed. I think it's why I chose to go back to school. I tell Morgan constantly that I don't want her to EVER be like her mom. I want her BETTER than me. She knows that the decision to go back to school was a tough one, but she looks at me & I can tell that she's proud of me. I want for her to graduate & then go on to get her Masters. I don't want for her to settle for a job when she can have a career. She deserves better, & I'm damn sure going to make sure that she does so!

I've changed. I'm requiring more from the people in my life. My friends have been saying that I fuss more, and I am. I don't want for them to make the mistakes that I've made. I don't want for them to endure the pain that I have, because I've settled. I want for them to understand that there ARE better things out there in the world. It's a damn shame that I had to realize this at the age of 38. I want for them to understand that my eyes have been opened to something bigger & better. They need to understand it NOW before they are like me...realizing that I'm older & wondering where my life has gone.

I've changed. I'm craving more than what I've accepted in my life. (and I've accepted a lot of bullshit) I can only blame myself for that shit. I'm not going to continue to be that woman. I deserve better than I've had. I'm becoming more vocal about things. If you don't like it, well, you can kiss my whole wide ass & kick rocks. I no longer care. If it's not about my well-being, then move around.

I've changed. My old ass, with my trick knee, smart ass mouth & all, is going to get out there & get what she deserves in life. Better late than never, right?

I've waited long enough. I'm doing what's right for MISTY. If you can't handle the change, then I'm sorry. I can no longer sit around & cry over things that I clearly HAVE control over. I have a life to live. God gave me this life 38 years ago, & it's about time that I showed Him how grateful that I am for this life...by LIVING it for ME.

My Little (Big) Secret

So this blog is going to take a lot out of me. It's one that I've been debating about for a very long time. I guess that I was worried about people judging me because of it, but it is a part of me & it's something that I have to release. I've kept this in for too long, & I'm realizing that this isn't healthy, not for a certain part of my life anyway. So...here goes nothing....

...for most of my dating life, I've been the other woman.

I can hear you now, calling me everything but a child of God. Unlike most people though, I can admit my sins & take responsibility for them.

The first guy that I fell in love with had a girlfriend. (I didn't know it at the time though.) My baby daddy? He was dating someone else & I didn't know it until I was too far gone to let go. Then I left him, he left her, he came back for me, we were a couple, had a baby, I left him, & he left his daughter...fuck my life.

Now, don't get it twisted, I was never one of those who called the house or anything like that. It was enough that I was disrespecting the relationship by just being with the man. I never wanted to meet the kids, never went to the house, never met the family...none of that. I never said anything foul or tried to approach the girlfriend/wife/significant other.

I guess you could say that I "knew my place".  It doesn't make it right, but hell, it is what it is.

It wasn't that many of them either...but it was enough. Enough for me to be ashamed of this.

It seemed like that's all that I attracted. These men made me feel special...yes I fell for the lines. Naivety at its best.

My thinking at the time was this: any issues that they had, don't bring it to me. Take it back home to the one  you truly love. I didn't have to worry about any of that stressing me out. We both know why we're here, so stop playing with my emotions & let's get down to business.

Fucked up, huh?  Yep...selfishness at its best.

Let me first say that I don't have "daddy issues". Sometimes that is the first assumption when a girl sleeps with a man that isn't hers. My daddy has always been in my life.

I guess it could be the typical "self esteem" answer too. And maybe my self-esteem was low. I haven't quite figured that part of it out yet.

What I DO know is that I only wanted one thing, & that was to feel loved & cared for...

....even if they didn't mean it.

One of them I truly loved. I often dreamed of being in his arms forever. His arms were my "safe place" from the hell that I was going through at the time. He was there for me in more ways than one could imagine. He taught me a lot about myself, & for that I'll be forever grateful.

In the end though...I wasn't who he wanted.

He married someone else.

Story of my life.

I have so much love to give...but back then, I gave it to the wrong people. I was selfish & I didn't care about anyone BUT Misty.

I keep saying this, but if karma is indeed real, she's got me in a chokehold. Someone close to me told me to stop saying that because it's that "old time religion" crap. Right now, all that I know is that I'm 38 years old & I've never had a "real" relationship. I often wonder if I'm being punished for the things that I've done in my past by being with men that weren't mine. Then again, I felt that no one really wanted to love or care for me, so I just took what I could & settled for that.

Hmmm...maybe it was my self-esteem.

I've wasted a lot of my life on this mess. I can think of at least two men who were single that truly wanted to be with me. I just never understood why they did.

I don't know what "normal" is when it comes to love. All that I know is that I deserve better than "2nd place". The sad part about this is that it took me a LONG time to understand that.

Judge me if you want. I can't write things like this & not have people make their assumptions about me. Like I said earlier, I can admit to the sins of my past.

I just have to learn not to let THIS part of my past consume me.

Forgiving Myself

Yes, I know that it's been a while since I've blogged. I haven't had the time, nor have I had anything to write about. Well I have, but it's all been jumbled. For the first time in a long time, I have some clarity about some things. I'll blog about those later. There's something that I need to get off of my chest...for Misty.

Misty...no matter what you feel...you are an awesome mother.

Pick your mouths up...there's a reason why I'm saying this.

It recently hit me that my Pumpkin is going to be a senior soon. My baby...a senior! All kinds of emotions run through my head when I think about that. I don't want to talk about those right now. What I DO want to discuss is one thing...a decision that I made a long time ago...

...the decision to sleep with her father.

Sounds messed up, right? Let me explain...

For anyone who has met Pumpkin, they know that at first, upon her meeting you, she's a quiet teenager. That's only because she's getting a feel of the people around her. Once she feels like you're "ok", she starts to relax & lets loose! She's brutally honest, a character, & a comedian. She will keep you in tears with the things that comes out of her mouth. She is, of course, my child.

I just hate the fact that I chose "him" to be her dad.

I could give you the typical "baby mama" responses. You know, the "what he doesn't do" crap. At the end of the day, I made the decision to sleep with him over 16 years ago.

At one point he was the "perfect" father...but things changed.

And before you say anything, NO, he was not always like this. There was a time when their bond was unbreakable. I still don't know what happened...or why it happened...& I may not ever understand it. But that's change, right?

Change is inevitable. Change is shocking. Change can bring you to tears...

...and that change has broken me down on numerous occasions.

I wish that I could say that I've gotten used to it...I haven't. Why you ask? Simply because my Pumpkin deserves better. She deserves a father who loves her & cares for her.

I'm not saying that he doesn't...well...I don't know what I'm saying when it comes to that.

I'm just saying that I feel like it's MY fault that she doesn't have a father in her life, because I feel like I made the wrong decision in being with him.

She has father figures, that's for sure. My dad is her partner in crime. The conversations that they have together are funny & priceless. She looks for him before she looks for me.

At the same time, she deserves her real father. I understand that it's beyond my control. I know that it has nothing to do with me. He's an adult, he has free will, & he can do what he wants. I just wish that one of them was getting to know his only child better.

Everything happens for a reason though. If I hadn't met him, if I hadn't slept with him, she wouldn't be here. She is my ONLY child. I can't birth anymore babies, so I thank God daily for her & for her love...even when she tests me.

(Hey, she IS a teenager, right??)

And for that fact...for that one decision that I made 16 years ago...I sometimes feel that I'm a bad mother. Yes, I should know better than that, but this is how I feel. So, sometimes I have to remind myself of the great job that I'm doing.

So Misty, when you look in her eyes, be reminded that she is a remarkable, intelligent, strong, hilarious, & insightful (she has words of wisdom like an elder) young woman. And she is that way IN SPITE OF not having him in her life.

With the support of your family Misty, you've done a pretty good job!

Just try it.

Today, someone gave me a compliment...

"you have a beautiful smile..."

...and he kept walking.

Now, this may mean nothing to y'all, but it meant a lot to me. He was a stranger...he's never seen me before, & he wasn't trying to "push up" on me. He just wanted me to know that my smile was beautiful.

And I needed to hear that.

Don't get me wrong, I compliment myself on a constant basis. Anyone who knows me, knows that. I think that I have the most enchanting light brown eyes in the world. (even though I can't see...lol)  However, there's NOTHING like hearing that from someone. It's even more special to me when I hear it from someone that cares about me.

I don't hear those like I used to though. I don't hear the "you look greats" anymore. I don't see a simple smile that says "hey, I can't put it into words, but you look awesome". I can't lie...I miss that. When I'm with someone & they're looking nice, I let them know. I tell them that they're looking stunning or that they're smelling great. I tell them....male or female....that they're the picture of perfection.

Who doesn't like to hear that?

Now, don't get it twisted, I don't need a compliment to survive.  I'm just saying that it's nice to hear it every now & then. 

And why DON'T we compliment people anymore??  Is it so hard to stop someone & let a woman know that her shoes are nice...or tell a man that he looks nice in that suit??  Are we so afraid that someone is going to look at us sideways & cuss us out? That ONE compliment may brighten someone's day. It may keep a smile on their face for the rest of the day. It may take them from a dark place to a beautiful one...just because you let them know that something about them stood out to you.

When I see my girls, I let them know that they're beautiful. (They're response is usually "I know!" LOL) When I see my "brothers", I tell them that they look as if they should be on the cover of GQ. It could be the way that a woman wears her makeup or her hair. It could be the way that a man smells as he passes by or the way that his Polo shirt hangs perfectly off his shoulders. If I see someone, I'll compliment them!

Stop someone & compliment them...especially if you care about them. Don't become complacent just because you've been with someone for a long time. That one compliment could become a steamy night of passion...lol.

And Misty, just in case I haven't told you, your eyes have been sparkling more & more lately, & with that smile of yours, you're bound to brighten up any room!

Fantasy & Reality

I know that one of my friends is going to hate this blog, & that's fine. I don't care. This is how I truly feel. This may be one of the most blunt things that I've written, so if you're prudish, go ahead & stop reading right now...

...you're still here? OK...well you've asked for it.

I received a drunk text the other night from someone that I hadn't heard from in a VERY long time. We all know what happens when someone drunk texts...and yeah, the text was very sexual. He said that he wanted my ass in his face. (Oh, NOW you want to stop reading, don't you? I told you that this was blunt!)  When I read the text, I wasn't shocked. It did something else to me though...it hurt me to my core. I sat in my car, in front of my house, & I cried. Not just a regular, quiet cry...I SOBBED!!! I'm talking about my eyes were puffy, nose running, short of breath...the whole nine. Why you ask? If you want to keep reading, then I'll tell you...

I started looking back on my past with men. I can't tell you the last time that I've had a REAL relationship, whatever that may be. I've had men who've had other women (I'm woman enough to admit that, & to admit that I was wrong), I've had men who "claimed" that they loved me, but never proved it, unless it was in the bed. And worst of all...I've been the "friend"..with benefits, of course.

I realized that I have been every man's fantasy. There's no other way to say it. I know how to make a man happy in the bedroom, and that's just the honest truth about it. Somehow, no matter how big of a heart that I think that I may have, it's never been good enough to be in a relationship with someone. I allow them to do what they want because I didn't feel the need to give my heart to someone. And here I am...37 years old...looking back on my life & realizing that shit hurts...it hurts like hell.

Don't get me wrong, I wanted all of this attention...I craved it...I yearned for it...and at the time...I LOVED IT!!!!  In the end, it left me empty...which is why I'm hurting now.

I am the common denominator in all of that though.

(Here's where my friend cringes...he hates it when I say "common denominator"...oh well)

When I say "common denominator", I mean that in every situation that I've been in when it comes to "relationships", every time that it's gone wrong, I am the one factor that hasn't changed. I'm the one that has been a part of all of it...and I'm the only one who can change the way that my next interaction with a man goes.

I don't want to just be a man's fantasy...I want to be his reality as well.

My gift & my curse is my big heart, so even when it was just a "sexual relationship" I made sure that the man in my life at that time was straight. They never looked out for Misty...ever. When I was ill, nothing. When I needed a shoulder to cry on, nothing. But I was strong for them....henceforth why I'm "in my feelings" now. It's ok though....I'm a big girl & I can handle it.

I have no choice.

All that I'm saying is this: at some point I had to learn to love myself more. I have to learn to be ok with being "in my feelings" because hell, I'm allowed to have them. I am worth so much more now than I was back then. I am a funny, intelligent, caring, beautiful, loving woman...and a man has to love that about me before he loves what I can do to him physically.

I am who I am...nothing more, nothing less.  Love me or leave me alone.

Weak, but Strong

As strong as I am for so many people...mentally, emotionally, spiritually...I have moments where I am weak.

These moments are bad...they're horrible. They're very rare, but they are there.

People have called me "sensitive" or "emotional". So what? Am I not allowed to be this way? Is it because I'm so aggressive with everyone else? It doesn't matter...I'm HUMAN & I have my own emotional issues.

I rarely tell anyone about them. I don't like opening up when it comes to my personal shit. I try to handle everything on my own. I try to take the advice that I give to everyone else.  The question is this: who do I go to when I'M having a breakdown??  Who is going to tell Misty that it's going to be ok??

I have to fall to my knees for that answer. I've screamed "OH GOD HELP ME!!!" so many times that He should be tired of hearing my voice. He never is though..He tends to send me someone every now & then.  I call them my "support staff". They all have different jobs, but their jobs are extremely important to "Team Misty".

My best friend, Kelly is the president of the support staff...she doesn't know it (well, she will if she reads this...lol), but she's always been my strength. God blessed me with the most wonderful best friend in the world. I met her in 1990 in the Lincoln High School choir room. Who would've ever thought that we'd still be friends 22 years later?? Because of the distance (she lives in New Orleans), we don't see each other like we used to, but my love for her still gets stronger daily. I really don't think that I've been the friend that I should be to her...she listens to my issues on a constant basis. She's heard my tears, my heart break, my disappointments...& she's always told me the blunt, honest truth. She's loved me, made me laugh, & has always dried my tears...even from a distance. My Kelly Ann is the best...and she always will be #1 in my heart.

Now, I have a few friends & many associates. My support staff is deep...& I'm not saying that they don't love me through my issues, because they do...but Kelly is on my mind on a constant basis. I miss her. I see her in Pumpkin. (I swear they're just alike...lol) She was on my heart more than anyone else. So, if you're thinking "why didn't she say shit about me??"...get out of your feelings! You should know that I love you..I say it constantly. GEEZ!!!

OK...back to my normal ramblings...

Somewhere along this road called life, I lost my way. I've lost it several times. It's only by the grace of God that I manage to get back on the right road. There is still a part of me that's wondering where my life went. Maybe it's because I'm getting older & I'm realizing that the only thing that I've accomplished is raising my daughter. I know there's more to life than this...I KNOW IT! I just have to find it.

I've been on edge lately because I'm wanting to "run away". I know what you're thinking..."aren't you in Houston every other weekend?" And yeah, for the most part, I am. However, I want to do something different...I don't care if I do a "staycation" somewhere...I just need to get away from it all. I feel as if life is starting to consume me, & I have to stop it.

I constantly say "I'm a big girl...I can handle it"...and I am. Sometimes though, that little girl peeks out & wants to scream, cry, & whine so that someone will hear her. And that's when I have my "moments".

I'm allowed...as long as I can get through them & grow from them.