Fantasy & Reality

I know that one of my friends is going to hate this blog, & that's fine. I don't care. This is how I truly feel. This may be one of the most blunt things that I've written, so if you're prudish, go ahead & stop reading right now...

...you're still here? OK...well you've asked for it.

I received a drunk text the other night from someone that I hadn't heard from in a VERY long time. We all know what happens when someone drunk texts...and yeah, the text was very sexual. He said that he wanted my ass in his face. (Oh, NOW you want to stop reading, don't you? I told you that this was blunt!)  When I read the text, I wasn't shocked. It did something else to me though...it hurt me to my core. I sat in my car, in front of my house, & I cried. Not just a regular, quiet cry...I SOBBED!!! I'm talking about my eyes were puffy, nose running, short of breath...the whole nine. Why you ask? If you want to keep reading, then I'll tell you...

I started looking back on my past with men. I can't tell you the last time that I've had a REAL relationship, whatever that may be. I've had men who've had other women (I'm woman enough to admit that, & to admit that I was wrong), I've had men who "claimed" that they loved me, but never proved it, unless it was in the bed. And worst of all...I've been the "friend"..with benefits, of course.

I realized that I have been every man's fantasy. There's no other way to say it. I know how to make a man happy in the bedroom, and that's just the honest truth about it. Somehow, no matter how big of a heart that I think that I may have, it's never been good enough to be in a relationship with someone. I allow them to do what they want because I didn't feel the need to give my heart to someone. And here I am...37 years old...looking back on my life & realizing that shit hurts...it hurts like hell.

Don't get me wrong, I wanted all of this attention...I craved it...I yearned for it...and at the time...I LOVED IT!!!!  In the end, it left me empty...which is why I'm hurting now.

I am the common denominator in all of that though.

(Here's where my friend cringes...he hates it when I say "common denominator"...oh well)

When I say "common denominator", I mean that in every situation that I've been in when it comes to "relationships", every time that it's gone wrong, I am the one factor that hasn't changed. I'm the one that has been a part of all of it...and I'm the only one who can change the way that my next interaction with a man goes.

I don't want to just be a man's fantasy...I want to be his reality as well.

My gift & my curse is my big heart, so even when it was just a "sexual relationship" I made sure that the man in my life at that time was straight. They never looked out for Misty...ever. When I was ill, nothing. When I needed a shoulder to cry on, nothing. But I was strong for them....henceforth why I'm "in my feelings" now. It's ok though....I'm a big girl & I can handle it.

I have no choice.

All that I'm saying is this: at some point I had to learn to love myself more. I have to learn to be ok with being "in my feelings" because hell, I'm allowed to have them. I am worth so much more now than I was back then. I am a funny, intelligent, caring, beautiful, loving woman...and a man has to love that about me before he loves what I can do to him physically.

I am who I am...nothing more, nothing less.  Love me or leave me alone.

Weak, but Strong

As strong as I am for so many people...mentally, emotionally, spiritually...I have moments where I am weak.

These moments are bad...they're horrible. They're very rare, but they are there.

People have called me "sensitive" or "emotional". So what? Am I not allowed to be this way? Is it because I'm so aggressive with everyone else? It doesn't matter...I'm HUMAN & I have my own emotional issues.

I rarely tell anyone about them. I don't like opening up when it comes to my personal shit. I try to handle everything on my own. I try to take the advice that I give to everyone else.  The question is this: who do I go to when I'M having a breakdown??  Who is going to tell Misty that it's going to be ok??

I have to fall to my knees for that answer. I've screamed "OH GOD HELP ME!!!" so many times that He should be tired of hearing my voice. He never is though..He tends to send me someone every now & then.  I call them my "support staff". They all have different jobs, but their jobs are extremely important to "Team Misty".

My best friend, Kelly is the president of the support staff...she doesn't know it (well, she will if she reads this...lol), but she's always been my strength. God blessed me with the most wonderful best friend in the world. I met her in 1990 in the Lincoln High School choir room. Who would've ever thought that we'd still be friends 22 years later?? Because of the distance (she lives in New Orleans), we don't see each other like we used to, but my love for her still gets stronger daily. I really don't think that I've been the friend that I should be to her...she listens to my issues on a constant basis. She's heard my tears, my heart break, my disappointments...& she's always told me the blunt, honest truth. She's loved me, made me laugh, & has always dried my tears...even from a distance. My Kelly Ann is the best...and she always will be #1 in my heart.

Now, I have a few friends & many associates. My support staff is deep...& I'm not saying that they don't love me through my issues, because they do...but Kelly is on my mind on a constant basis. I miss her. I see her in Pumpkin. (I swear they're just alike...lol) She was on my heart more than anyone else. So, if you're thinking "why didn't she say shit about me??"...get out of your feelings! You should know that I love you..I say it constantly. GEEZ!!!

OK...back to my normal ramblings...

Somewhere along this road called life, I lost my way. I've lost it several times. It's only by the grace of God that I manage to get back on the right road. There is still a part of me that's wondering where my life went. Maybe it's because I'm getting older & I'm realizing that the only thing that I've accomplished is raising my daughter. I know there's more to life than this...I KNOW IT! I just have to find it.

I've been on edge lately because I'm wanting to "run away". I know what you're thinking..."aren't you in Houston every other weekend?" And yeah, for the most part, I am. However, I want to do something different...I don't care if I do a "staycation" somewhere...I just need to get away from it all. I feel as if life is starting to consume me, & I have to stop it.

I constantly say "I'm a big girl...I can handle it"...and I am. Sometimes though, that little girl peeks out & wants to scream, cry, & whine so that someone will hear her. And that's when I have my "moments".

I'm allowed...as long as I can get through them & grow from them.

Female Issues

Can you believe it? Another blog within a 48 hour period?? I must really have something on my mind. If I'm writing another blog, well, that should make it obvious, right?

I'm wondering if there's something wrong with me. I don't do the things that a "normal" female would.

Follow me...

I don't get my nails done...you know, the acrylic & all that stuff. A simple mani & pedi will do me just fine. I don't want the expensive purses out there. I'll admire the shoes, but damn, who in the hell decided that stilettos was the way to go? I go for comfort & style, thank you kindly. Clothes...if it's cute & it fits, then I'll buy it. But I'm "frugal", so I'm not paying full price for anything...unless it's my birthday. I'll splurge then.

I have only seen one episode of "Sex In The City" & I didn't understand what the big deal was. I HATE Lifetime movies because they're too dramatic, even for me.  Just look at the titles of those movies: "When She Didn't Come Home" or "Her Dark Secret"...REALLY??  I hate chick flicks & would prefer to watch a comedy or an action movie over them. Why in the hell do I want to watch a movie that will have me in my damn feelings? These hormone pills don't have an "overdrive" function, you know.

I don't get my hair done every other week. I'm so grateful that I went natural over two years ago. I feel sexier with my natural.

Makeup though...I LOVE makeup!!!  That's probably the only feminine thing that I can say that I'll do. Then again, most men approach me when I have NO makeup on. *shrugs*

Does it make sense now??

I've watched women post pics on Facebook of a bag that they want, or some shoes that they bought. I don't mind looking at them, because some of them ARE cute, but would I actually go out & buy it? Nope. I never understood why I should have a $300 bag when I don't have $30 to put in it.

You will probably never see me have a purse that matches my outfit...unless it's black. Everyone knows that black goes with everything.

I've never understood why I'm like that. I remember being in high school & while other girls were in the mall buying clothes, I was buying CD's. (See, there goes that music thing again.)

So I have been wondering if something is wrong with me. Does it make me any less of a woman because I don't do these "female things"? Am I crazy because I don't go "ga-ga" over the latest styles & fashions?

Naw, I think it just makes me different. I see myself as a simple woman who likes simple things. I'm not "average", & I think that I will be alright with that. You can have the names & labels, if that's your thing. I'm not knocking you for it. But for Misty, give me a tank top & some shorts or jeans & I'm GOOD...

...and I'm comfortable too...lol

Musical Interludes

If anyone claims to know me, they know that I love music.

No, I don't think that you understand, I LOVE music! I love everything about it...I love the beats, the words, the way that a voice inflects the pain or the love that someone feels. I can listen to anything, from R&B to country...from gospel to heavy metal. If it has a beat, I'll listen. I post a lot of music on my Facebook wall when I'm in the mood. I had a friend that used to DJ with me until he got off of FB. That used to be so much fun because we used to try to top each other. Good times, good stuff...

Music is the soundtrack of my life. I can listen to a song & it brings back a memory...whether good or bad. I can tell you exactly what was going on at that moment in time. Sometimes it'll make me cry...I'm not talking about just in my heart, I'm talking about real tears...crocodile tears, if you will. Music has influenced my life just that much.

It could be it's because my dad was a DJ. It could be because my grandmother sang in the church choir. Whatever the reason is, music is & always will be my first love. (Well, before the birth of my daughter, but I digress...)

When I write, when I want peace, when I'm angry, when I'm in praise mode...I'm listening to music. It has given me clarity on situations in my life.

Right now, I'm listening to "No Happy Holidays" by Mary J. Blige. I can remember thinking that this song was my life at one point in time. It was so hard to listen to this song because I knew what I had to do. *sighs...*

Another song that brings tears to my eyes EVERY time I hear it is Jazmine Sullivan's "I'm In Love With Another Man". She sang that song so passionately that I cry to the point that my eyes are puffy. I've been there too. I probably could've had someone better but I was so stuck on one person that I let the other one pass me by because I thought that I wasn't good enough for the one that truly deserved my love.

(Shut up...I've made some bad decisions in my life...like you haven't!)

Now "I'm A Mess" by Anthony Hamilton is playing. That old school feel is so serious on this one. Not to mention it sounds a little like a gospel song too. I love this one!

I was told a few months to listen to Smokie Norful's "Run Till I Finish"...another one that makes me shed tears. The person that told me to listen to that has been through a lot, so when I hear it, he immediately comes to mind, & I thank God for His grace & mercy.

Beyonce's "Resentment"....the live version...for this line..."you could've told me, you weren't happy...I know you didn't wanna hurt me, but look what you done to me now. I've gotta look her in her eyes & see she's had half of me...SHE AIN'T EVEN HALF OF ME!!" (I've felt this pain...karma's a bitch people...)

I could go on & on with my love & passion for music. I'm a band geek (clarinet) & I love hearing a great vocalist because I was in the high school choir. If I have nothing, I have music. You want me to relax? Give me music. You want me to stop talking? Play a song. Hell even when I'm drunk I start to sing. (LMAO)

Music soothes the savage beast...& I can get in beast mode a lot...but as long as I have my playlists, I'll be soothed.

The Insomnia Diaries

So here I am...awake, when I should be asleep. Again. As usual. It's 3:12 in the morning & I'm wired. I'm talking about I'm awake like I'm about to head to the mall or something.

I've gotten used to it. I've been like this ever since my surgery last year. After my hysterectomy, I don't think that my sleep patterns have ever been right.  It pisses me off that I can't sleep. I pray for sleep..I beg for sleep. I NEED this sleep!

My mind is racing this time around. Too many thoughts...WAY too many thoughts. Damn this idle mind of mine...I need to pull this together & pray this feeling away.

My legs hurt too. I think that I danced too much tonight. I mean, I had a lot of fun, but I'm regretting it right now because...well...I can't sleep.

Wait...was that a yawn???

Dammit...false alarm.

Back to my rant. I have a lot on my mind. There's a lot that I have to do. Maybe I should write that down. That way I can start scratching things off of that list.

I also have a lot on my heart. At this point though, I don't think that I'll ever let anyone know what it is. I guess I could write that down too just so that I can get it off of my chest.

Yeah...that needs to be done too.

The sad part is that although I need to do these things, I already know that I won't write down shit. This crap will probably sit on my heart & mind until I feel like I'm going to explode...

...and that's when I usually let it all out. Is that a good thing? Nope. It never is. You would think that I would learn that lesson by now. Count it to my being lazy. *shrugs*

I've paced the floor too. I should have worn the floor out by now. It's strange that it's still in tact.

Maybe God is trying to speak to me. He's been coming through loud & clear lately. I'm sure that He's always done that, but I just wasn't listening as I should. Now I hear Him. I guess that's the one plus about my insomnia: I'm beginning to hear my Creator speak to me...telling me to come closer to Him...to learn more about His word.

Gotcha God...I'm listening.

If I could only make some power moves at this time of the night, I could get a lot more done. The only thing that I can do out here is go to Wal-Mart, & that place will get you in trouble. I'm not about to go in there for one thing & come out with 15. I'll stay in the house. I'll have more money that way.

See how random this blog was? I mean, not one word made any sense, did it? This is what happens when you can't sleep. You write about a whole bunch of nothing.

When I get some sleep, you'll be able to read a better blog. Hopefully, that will be soon.

I Know I've Been Changed

*clears throat to sing*...

"IIIIIIIII know I've been changed....IIIIII know I've been changed...."

Ok...that's enough.

I have a lot on the brain this morning. I hate it when I get like this. Luckily for y'all, when I do, I write...so y'all can read.

I've come to the realization that parts of me are changing, & I'm not sure if I like it or not. As a matter of fact, there's a strong part of me that doesn't like it.

I actually hate it.

I wish that I could go back to my alter ego, Bitter Bitch, or, "B.B.", as she was so affectionately called.

Sometimes I want B.B. back..the selfish one...the bitter one....the one who just didn't give a fuck...

...I forced her out. She had to go. But sometimes, I really miss that bitch. She got shit done & checked folks no matter how they felt about it.

The thing about B.B. is that she was always lonely. No one wanted to be around B.B. I never understood why though. B.B. had me strong...feisty...but she had me alone.

But she also showed me how to channel my inner "anger" & let people have it in a different way.

I'm still strong & feisty, but just in a more "polite" way.

I'm not as mean as I used to be. I think that I should be though. Then again, what would that prove? Not a damn thing.

There are situations that I KNOW that I should've completely "gone off" about. I'm talking about cussing someone out, beating someone's ass, the whole nine.  But I don't. I don't know if that's a sign of maturity or not caring.

Then again, it could be a sign of saving someone's life...

...you're welcome.

I smile & laugh through a LOT of pain. You know that saying "smile because you never know who may be falling in love with it"??  Well there should be men madly in love with me because I'm always smiling.

...but if you only knew why I smile so much. If you only knew the hurt inside of me. I don't know how I do it some days. Sometimes I just want to say "fuck it" & just line people up & start telling them everything that's wrong with them. Then again, you could add THAT to my list of faults, right? And I know my faults...unlike everyone else, I can admit that I have them.

I told my "big brother" that I think that I've become numb to things, & I'm not sure if that's a good thing. (I should tell him one day how wonderful of a brother that he's been to me...he always tells me that I'm a goddess among mere mortals...I so love that dude!) I think that in certain situations he would want me to just say "fuck it" & just light into anyone that's ever wronged me. I told him that I am easy to forgive someone, & I think it's because I don't want to have to revisit the issue anymore. Once I've discussed the issue & come to a conclusion, that's it. I don't want to hear anymore about it. I can't move on if I don't let it go.  If I don't I'll hold those angry feelings in & I'll be unable to get them out correctly.

And that's when B.B. would step back in...trust me, no one wants her out.

Sometimes though...I want her back...just so that people would know not to fuck with me...because B.B. is fucking nuts. I know she's still in there though, I know it. It's kinda like Dr. Bruce Banner in the "Avengers" when he said "you wanna know my secret? I'm ALWAYS angry!"  Yeah....that.

I guess she's always going to be a part of me. She balances me out. She keeps me sane.

But don't make me angry...you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

Fair enough warning? ;-)

My Life...MY Life

I've got Mary J. Blige's "My Life" on repeat in my ears...

"say what's on your mind & you'll find in time that all the negative energy it will all cease..."

Negative energy...I've been feeling a lot of that lately.

What did you say? Not Misty???  YES MISTY!!!!  Am I not allowed to feel that way?

I think that people believe that I'm happy all of the time. I'm not. I am most of the time I am though. Right now, at this moment, my heart is aching. I've found myself doing things that I said that I would never do, & I'm feeling like I should go back to the way that I used to be....not caring about shit.

It's like...damn...what's the purpose of my having this big ass heart? Why should I give a damn about anything or anyone? Why do I feel the need to take the weight of the world on my shoulders? Who is going to be there for Misty when she's feeling like shit...

...like I am right now.

I feel like maybe, just maybe, I'm asking for too much. I often expect things from people that I shouldn't, because I put forth so much effort into making sure that everyone else is happy & I feel that they should want to do the same.

Classic mistake.

Even at the age of 37, I'm still learning that everyone may not care about you the way that you would like them to. (I'm not saying that they DON'T care, I'm just saying that you may not be happy with how they go about it.) I've seen it...on the front lines of a "war" that most people are fighting. The question is, do you stay in the war or do you throw up the white flag & surrender?

I've never been one to give up, but I'll be damned if I haven't thought about it.

I've spoken to several people in the past week about relationships...about love & their problems. (Why people come to someone who can't even get in a relationship about these issues, I will never understand.) I can't give advice on the situation, I can only give my honest opinion, IF you ask for it. Truth is, I would rather not give advice on love. Everyone's heart is different, & no one can truly say what they would or wouldn't do unless they were in that situation.

I've found out that people love differently, & if you let people inflitrate your mind & your heart you will find yourself doubting everything that you've ever felt in your life. Sometimes you have to shut the world out & do what you feel in your heart is right, no matter what others may say. They might call you "stupid" or "silly"...they may say that people are bumping their gums about you. At some point, you have to stop yourself & just shut the world out & have a conversation with yourself. No one else's opinions should matter but YOURS.

Back to my feelings...a friend of mine once told me to smile through the hurt, that my smile lights up a room & that if I look in the mirror when I do it, I will see that I'm still strong inside. And maybe I'll do just that once this blog is done. I need to remind myself that I've been through worse & prayed myself through it. I have to also know that I'll be ok...I always am...

"...and you'll be at peace with yourself...you won't really need no one else, except for the man above...because He will give you LOVE..."

And isn't that what it's really all about?? Finding peace within yourself? I'm going to get that back, starting now.