I'm Back...I Think

Well, hello! Yes, it's been a LOOONNNNGGGGG damn time since I've blogged...since 2017 to be exact. And, to be honest, nothing has changed. Nothing. (That's a problem woman. You have to do better.)

 Seeing that it's the 29th day of February...yep, leap year...I might as well detox some of this mess that I've been feeling. It's a lot. It's thick. It's disgusting. But hey, it's me.

Let's get some stuff out of the way, shall we?

The kid got her bachelor's degree in psychology from Prairie View A&M University in the fall of 2018. (GO PUMPKIN!) She is now pursuing her Master's degree in Human Health from Stephen F. Austin State University. I'm proud of her. Very proud!

As for her Ma, well, no degree as of yet. I'm gonna get it though. It's a goal. I wish I had known about goals when I was 18. But I digress...

...still single. I can't lie, I know HOW to be alone, but that doesn't mean that I WANT to be alone. That shit is...well...lonely. 

I got a promotion at work. I'm happy in that area of my life. I could always use more money though. Then again, we ALL could.

I've learned that I have a problem with commitment. Not just relationship wise...like, in a lot of shit. I plan the shit out, but I never commit to something to the end. I'm figuring that out. It may take time, but I'll get it together. 

I've forgiven someone...& they've forgiven me. That discussion was EXTREMELY necessary. The road to healing ain't an easy one but we both have dedicated ourselves to the healing process. There was a lot of hurt. A LOT. Soooo much was said in anger. However, we forgave each other. I think that it's something that we both needed. That may be another blog for another day.

I've had to learn my place in people's lives. I've had to learn to be ok with it. Does it hurt? Yep. However, learning what role I am in someone's life is better than NOT knowing what it is. 

Now, let's get to the good part. I'm learning to love me. I've been telling myself how awesome that I am. I've had to remind myself that I'm worth more than sex. (Once again, another blog for another day.) As I told someone last week, I'm a damn good woman, and if a man can't see that, then his ass is blind. I've had to learn to stop and breathe...take life in. I'm learning to take care of MISTY. I mean, who else is going to do it??  

I don't want to roam aimlessly through this life anymore. I have come to the realization that I need to get out more...do more. Do what interests Misty (whatever THAT is), and not worry about anyone else. My life consists of work, church, and home. I mean, there HAS to be more to life than that, right?

Let me be honest: I don't know why the hell I decided to start writing this blog. I mean, I guess that I wanted to get some stuff out, but all of this is pretty damn random. I have no rhyme or reason to this. 

But you read it. Every damn word. 

Maybe I just wanted to let y'all know that I was alive.

Now, I just need to figure out how to LIVE.

A Quick Venting Session

I know, I know. I haven't written in over a year. Look, I haven't had the urge to do so. It is what it is.

I was triggered today though. I've got a LOT on my mind and heart. None of this will make any sense. And this might not be what you need to read, but it's what I'm feeling. So you have a choice, either you can continue to read or you can stop reading right now. Either way, I'm going to write and this will have some words in it that you might be offended by. I'll give you about five seconds for you to make your decision.

1...2...3...4...5...

...you're still here huh? OK...whatever.

This year has been HELL on me emotionally. I've shed so many tears that I wanted to snatch my tear ducts out so that I wouldn't cry anymore. I've traveled down roads that I shouldn't have. I've had so many negative thoughts that at one point it was hard for me to get out of bed in the morning.

You wouldn't know it though. I hide shit well. 

See, I have to. I have no choice. You all think that I'm "happy go lucky" every day. I'm not. I'm human. I have faults. I make mistakes. I'm definitely not perfect. When I ask people "why do you even talk to me", I mean that shit. Really...why do you? I make everyone smile. I make people happy. I've even had people inbox me telling me that reading my posts on Facebook has gotten them through some tough times, especially through Harvey. (And believe me, I have no problem with that...a part of me feels like it is my "ministry".) Sometimes though, my life gets HARD. I play that shit off though. I know where I could be, and I know where I HAVE been. It's been so bad this year that I even considered moving back home to P.A. I can't though. I can't let whatever is getting to me beat me. I have to remind myself daily that I'm stronger than what I feel. So, I'm still here...dammit.

Then there's this part of me that gets lonely. (Cue Janet Jackson's "I Get Lonely") I've considered a puppy, but hell, that's like having another kid. And, even with that lonely shit, people come and talk to me about their fucked up relationships. Listen, I get all of that, but can a girl get a chance though? There's another aspect to this...I know that I'm the issue. I could probably have a man, but I don't want to settle for certain shit, like, someone who thinks that they're better than me, he has a crazy ex, mediocre sex...that last one is very important to me. Judge me if you want to, but I can't see myself having bad sex for the rest of my life. I know me. I'll cheat. And don't say that "teach him what you want" bullshit. He should know how to do the basics already. If he can't do the basics, then I'm out. 

Look, a sister got needs, and it's not just dick. I'm not saying all of what they are so that you fuckers can go and try to play Love Connection in this bitch. Like I said, I'm venting. 

Hold please. I need to take a sip of this blueberry vodka. 

Ahhh...I'm back.

People think that I'm playing when I say that I want Pumpkin to be better than me. I'm not just talking about professionally. I'm talking about in ALL areas in her life. I pray for her constant success. I want her to get the career of her dreams. I never want her to struggle. I pray that she always has MORE than enough, & that she knows that she is a QUEEN.  I want her to be with someone who's going to take care of her, respect her, and love her in good times and bad. I never want her to know what it feels like to be lonely, BUT I DO want her to know HOW to be alone. (Because there are a lot of y'all that have a relationship, but you're still lonely...but that's another blog for another day.) I want for her to go to the store and get whatever sneakers that she wants. You know, goals. 

I wish that I had goals when I was younger. Maybe I wouldn't be like this now. Drinking blueberry vodka and lemonade...venting nshit.

You see, I will never understand why any of you choose to talk to me. I have issues. Major ones. I don't know why y'all come to me for advice, especially when I need someone to help me. But I will NEVER stop someone from coming to me and getting shit off of their chest. I know that people just want someone to listen. I'm here...unless someone has unloaded TOO much on me. I have to keep a little sanity.

Like I said earlier, this year hasn't been kind to me emotionally. It's been one of the worst ones that I can remember. I've attempted to push people away, but they wouldn't have it. I've cussed people out JUST so that they would have a reason to stay away from me. They wouldn't. One even drove from another side of town just to hug me. It was the ONE time that I had broken down to anyone that was outside of my "circle". (My people are pretty awesome, huh?)I was allowed to be vulnerable. I need to stop trying to be strong all of the time and remember that I'm NOT Wonder Woman.

By the way, I truly love Eminem's new song "Walk On Water". (Lawd, let me add "featuring Beyonce'" before that fake ass hive comes for me.) I don't think that anyone has actually listened to the lyrics of that song. When she sings "' cause I'm only human, just like you, making my mistakes, oh if you only knew...I don't think you should believe in me the way that you do, 'cause I'm terrified to let you down..." I FELT THAT WITH EVERY PART OF ME!!!

That was random. So what. Just was throwing that part out there.

I have to keep in mind that I've gotten through my worse days, and I can get through everything. 

EVERYTHING.

I told y'all...just venting. None of this shit made any fucking sense. Whatever.

Besides, I'm out of vodka. 

Java Woes

At work we have a new coffee machine. We got it about 2 months ago. It gives you eight different options for coffee and also gives you hot chocolate. It tastes great. I've tried every last one of them...

...I hate that machine.

I know that you're wondering where I'm going with this. Just roll with me for a second...

You see, I'm the one that does the maintenance on that machine. And that machine is high maintenance. VERY high maintenance. See, with eight different options, it's a lot of cleaning involved. I have to fill that wretched thing almost twice daily. It's like a printer. Every last cartridge has to be filled or it won't work properly. It's stressful. What aggravates me is when people lose their minds when it's not filled. "MISTY!!!!  The coffee machine isn't working!"  What REALLY grinds my gears is when people are staring at me when I'm filling it. Get out of my personal space dammit!

I hate that thing. 

(You still with me? OK, cool. Keep rolling with me.)

In front of that machine, almost daily, I contemplate every bad decision that I've ever made in my life...and there have been many. My coworkers have said that my face looks totally different when I'm in front of that thing. I've been so upset by this damn coffee machine that I've called Morgan and told her that this fucking machine is a reason for her to stay in school and get her degree. She will NOT be in front of a coffee machine trying to figure out how in the hell she got here. 

I've thought about the fact that I didn't finish school...the people that I gave my time and attention to....the bad food that I've eaten...the men that I've slept with....opportunities not taken. All of that shit.

And I pissed myself off. Damn near to the verge of tears.

I wonder if the baristas at Starbucks feel this way...

...doesn't matter. This is about me. Me and my shit. And I'm owning that shit. That's what I do. Own my mistakes. No matter how painful it may be, it's mine.

So here's the thing: I have to let that go. It's my past. I can't change that, but I can do something about the rest of my life. I'm taking steps in the right direction, but at 41 years old, these things should have been done a long time ago. I've procrastinated, let things cloud my vision, and sometimes I was just downright lazy. Fear used to play a big part in my decisions as well. And where has all of this gotten me??

Standing in front of a coffee machine. Mad as hell. At the machine, and at myself. 

I going to start looking at it like this: my decisions are like the coffee. Sometimes it takes a little longer to brew. But that aroma (my success in life, education, love, etc.) smells so divine, and when I take that first sip, it's going to taste like heaven.

I can't wait to see what my coffee is going to taste like.

(I still hate that machine though. That's the honest damn truth.)

 

Trying to Kick Rocks

*blows dust off of laptop*

Water? Check.

Music? Check. 

*takes a deep breath*

It's been a minute. A long minute. A lot has happened. Just couldn't put my thoughts into words. Truth be told, I'm not sure if I can do it now.  This is an ATTEMPT, so take it for what it's worth.

My blogs have always been my release...my truths...my way to get through this thing called life. I just, well, somewhere this year, I stopped caring. About life, about myself. Now, don't get me wrong, I've had a very good first half of  2015. I turned 40, moved, and started a new job all in one week. I can safely say that I LOVE my job, LOVE my new city (well, my 2nd home), and I LOVE the fact that my daughter is now a sophomore at Prairie View A&M University. I watched my niece become valedictorian of her high school, and go to Howard University. I also welcomed my newest love...another niece (my doll!). And I also witnessed my baby sister get married to the love of her life. That was pretty freaking awesome! 

It was what happened in the middle that kinda fucked me up.

My foot. My right foot. Fucked...off.

It was a freak accident.  I tore the long tendon in my foot. It usually only happens in athletes, and we ALL know that I'm not an athlete. Only I could do some shit like that. I've realized that I'll have to have surgery. I can't fight it. It stays swollen. I can't wear heels. I often look at it in disgust. I didn't realize how much that this injury has brought me down until recently...when a good friend put it in my face. She told me that I haven't been the same since it happened, that my positive attitude has gone & that I don't smile like I used to. 

She's right.  I don't. It's like, I messed this foot up, and my give-a-damn went right out the window. I'm trying to retrain my mind right now to get back to who I used to be..or a better version of her. This shit has fucked me up...badly. I've cried tears that no one has seen. I'm independent. TOO independent...and that, in itself, has been a gift and a curse.

I'm saying all of this for a reason. I've avoided the notion of surgery because of two reasons:

1. I don't have enough time to take off from work yet...and...
2. I don't have anyone to be there for me.

Now, before you all go and say some shit like, "but you have friends and family"...yes, I do. I know this already. That's not what I mean. 

At the age of 40, I sometimes feel that I shouldn't be single. Now, I've had men come in my life, but something always happens, or something turns me off. I feel that, at this point in my life, I should have someone consistent in my life who will be there when I need them. (My big brothers don't count.) It scares me to have to go through a surgery and not having someone there taking care of me afterwards. This may seem silly to y'all, but fuck it. This is how I feel. 

Now, don't get it twisted, I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm just stating facts. 

Then again...maybe it's me.  Maybe I should change who I am. Maybe I'm too much. I love to laugh, I tell corny jokes...my laugh is boisterous. Maybe I should just be quiet...know my place as a woman. Change my heart and my head so that I can get a man...

...naw, fuck that. This is me, this is who I am. As much as I am all of those things above, I'm also a loyal, kind woman. I listen...well. I have a big heart that will give anyone my last. And that's not saying that I wouldn't be submissive to a man (that's another blog for another day), but it has to be for the RIGHT man. I've spoken to someone in great detail about this, but I think that at the time, he didn't get what I was trying to say...and I don't know if he knew it at the time, but I was in tears while discussing it with him. 

It's hard for me to have weak moments, because I'm so strong for everyone else. (Once again, another blog, another day.) My weak moments are BAD. People never see them. My own closest friends RARELY see them. I hide them well. It could be a moment in the shower. I've even parked my car in a parking lot and just let the tears flow. I release it and try to keep moving. This foot though...

...this...damn....foot.

What I've told myself is that I have to keep it moving, bad foot and all. It's a must that I keep pushing, even if I'm limping. I've constantly told people that, no matter what happens, I'm a big girl, and I'll be ok. And I will be. It'll take me some time, but I will be.

(This blog was a whole lot of nothing. Ramblings. Nothingness. But it made me feel better. It served its purpose.)

My "I'm Turning 40" Rant

I know, I know. It's been a while since I've written. Truth be known, I was going to wait until next week to write this, seeing that I'll be turning 40 then. I had some time to think about some things last night, but I didn't have my computer handy. 

I've been contemplating my life. I mean, I'm turning 40...40! I'm a bit excited about it too. I've got to admit, I've put myself through some unnecessary bullshit in my adult life. If I'm going to be honest about it (and we all know that I am), I've slept with the devil on MANY occasions. I knew better. I wanted to do better, but I felt that I COULDN'T do better. I settled for him, for his lies. He would whisper in my ears on a constant basis...telling me that I should just be happy for what I have, whether it was a job or a relationship. And, I hurt. Settling made me...hurt. I remember saying to myself that I should just deal with the hurt because this is my life. Then I remembered...

Proverbs 18:21 - "Death and life are in the power of the tongue"

(No, I'm not about to get all "holy" on y'all...I've got a point to prove though.)

So I started speaking LIFE into my LIFE. Slowly, but surely, my life started changing. I didn't drop as many tears. I began to laugh more. And that smile of mine has gotten HUGE. I removed the negative, added the positive, and watched the sun shine brightly on my life.

Let's get to the kid for a second. Y'all know how much that I love my Pumpkin. She's doing well at Prairie View. She's so freaking funny. If I need a laugh, I call her. She's got goals. She's let me know that she's going to get this degree. And you know what? Ma's going to make sure of that. She informed me that I have to keep going to get mine, and I am. No doubt about that. It's going to take me a minute, but I'm GOING to get it.

I'm in a good place in my life. I can look around and smile. I can pick my head up and see my future. Some days, that strut of mine is like I'm a model on a runway...and you can't tell me shit! Even those days where I don't have any makeup on, I feel great about myself. And if I don't love me, no one else will.

Now, that's not saying that I don't have bad days, because I do. I just approach them differently. I tell Pumpkin all of the time: either you can stand up or stay down. I don't have time to stay down. I've got goals to accomplish.

There are people in my life that have changed my outlook on things. Some have been there forever, some have just entered, and some have been a total surprise. The point is that in some way, shape, or form, they've had a positive impact on my life. I've been blessed with them. I'm thankful for them. They are my support system...my major players...and they are always in my prayers.

So, as I prepare to turn 40 on April 7th, I'm thankful....

I'm thankful that I gave birth at the age of 21, because this child of mine saved my life. Watching her I see what strength is. I'm in awe of her daily.

I'm thankful for my siblings, because, even though I'm the oldest, I look up to them. 

I'm thankful for my parents, because they have shown me what love is.

I'm thankful for my niece, because she shows me how to be humble.

I'm thankful for my crew, because they keep me laughing when I don't want to. (What do you call a deer with no eyes? I have NO eye-deer!!! LMAOOOO)

I'm thankful for my friends, near and far, because they have loved me through the years...and miles.

I'm thankful for every mistake that I've made, because I learned what not to do.

I'm thankful for the broken hearts, the abusive words...because it made me stronger and made me realize that I'm soooooo much better than that. 

Most of all, I'm thankful for God's grace and mercy. I'm not worthy. Not at all. I sin daily. Yet and still, He tells me "hey...watch this!" and constantly blesses me. 

Excuse me as I do this praise dance. At the age of 40, things are changing for me. I'm walking into my season, and I'm THANKFUL for every step of the way!!!

Come on 40...LET'S GO!!!!! 

(And did I mention that I look GOOD for 40????  Well, I DO!!!!)

Fantasy & Reality...Part 2

It's been a while since I've blogged. I've had a lot on my heart and mind, I just didn't know how to put it into words. I guess that I should start off by saying Happy New Year, but we're almost into the second month of the year. No sense in saying it now.

I've been revisiting some of my past blogs tonight, mainly because of a phone call that I received from someone today. The blog that I was searching for was titled "Fantasy & Reality". If you haven't read it, you can now. You may need it for the rest of this particular blog...

http://mypreciouzlove.blogspot.com/2012/11/fantasy-reality.html


You know, there are some things that I've done in my life that I'm not proud of. I've always told my parents that I could never run for public office. I have some things out there. (I'll let your imaginations run wild.) My past is...my past...or at least it should be. I think that certain people remember me for the things that I've done in my past...with them. The fact is that I did what I had to do to survive. Could I have called my family? Of course I could have. Did I want to? No. I wanted to do things by myself. 

But that is neither here nor there...

What I got asked for wasn't sex, but sexual in nature. I was speechless but not shocked, not coming from this particular person. Now, keep in mind that I've done nothing with this person in YEARS...which brings me back to the Fantasy & Reality thing. Somewhere along the line, I grew up. I matured. And, most importantly, I realized my worth. I'm not the same person that I was years ago. I'm not that woman. Truth be known, in certain areas of my life, I'm not the same woman that I was last year. (That may be another blog for another day.) So, for that person to say those things to me like I was that person way back when, I became insulted, and I let him know that I was. I received all kinds of apologies, but by that time, I was done. I wasn't ugly about it. I just said what I had to and moved on. 

You see, I've had to purge myself of negative energy. It was something necessary for MISTY. I stopped allowing negative energy INSIDE of me. You have to watch who you connect with physically. You never know what they have going on with them. You have to be extremely careful with that. I've become more selective in my "old age". Don't get me wrong, I DO crave that physical attention, but at the same time, I want MORE than that. I've got a lot of love to give, and I'm sure that someone is out there that is deserving of my love. BUT I'm not going to give my "honey comb hideout" to just anybody. I don't care if you can slang that meat better than a butcher, if I feel your negative energy, I'll keep my sweet fruits to myself. 

I'm stronger than I was in the past (at least I feel that way...lol).  I'm different...mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. If you're looking for that GIRL from years ago, she's not here. If you're going to judge me on my past, that's fine. You can hold on to those old memories of me, when I was someone's fantasy. Just know that I don't have to allow you in my present...or my PRESENCE...

...and THAT is MY reality.

Potentially Dangerous

So, as I'm perusing through Facebook last night, I come across a status that, well, was a bit unexpected. It was a man who said that he was being stopped by the police, and if anyone didn't hear from him, to call his mom. At first, I think that all of his FB friends thought that the post was made in jest because of the "hold it down" hashtag. Unfortunately, he was very serious. He admitted that he was speeding. He also questioned them. (And we all know that you're not supposed to question "authority"...smh) Speeding, however, did not justify the attitude of the officer, the police handcuffing him, "searching" (tearing up) his car for drugs (of course), only to find out that he had nothing. The officer just should have given him a ticket and sent him on his way. This man would have been pissed about the ticket...who wouldn't be....but he wouldn't be as pissed as he is right now.

I bet you're thinking, "she's about to make a "driving while black" post.

You're wrong.

...follow me.

This post made me think back to a conversation that I had with a man when everything with Michael Brown's shooting in Ferguson happened. We're discussing the shooting. Something made us change subjects. Then, five minutes later, he asks me this:

"Why are they so scared of us?"

"Us" meaning black men.

YOUNG black men.

I heard something in his voice. It was concern. He was concerned because he is raising young black men.  And he has every right to be concerned.

I revisited that question when I woke up this morning and read the posts on that Facebook status. Here's my answer. I'm not saying that I'm right, but hey, it's MY blog and it's MY opinion. So here goes...

Let's be honest: as soon as a birth certificate is made and the sex says "MALE" and the race says "BLACK", they're considered dangerous.  This newborn boy, who can't focus yet, who doesn't know how to talk, who can only communicate by crying, is considered "dangerous". He can't walk, but he's dangerous. That birth certificate alone strikes fear into people...all because he's a black male.

OVERstand this: don't ever for ONE second think that they don't know our history! THEY KNOW OUR HISTORY BETTER THAN WE DO!!!! Why? Because they've been trying to hide our history from us forever!! They KNOW that we're the first man to walk this earth. They KNOW that we're inventors. They KNOW that  we are intelligent. They KNOW that no matter how much they try to break us down, we continue to stand taller with our heads held high. They KNOW that our black man is wanted...

....and hated at the same damn time.

They hate them, but want to be them. They want their style, their look, their demeanor. They want their women.

I want for my black men to understand that you were a king then, and you're a king now. Stand up and take your rightful place as the head of this world! The world that was created by the sweat of your brow, and the pain in your backs. The world that has attempted to turn your black woman against you. My men, WE STILL LOVE YOU!!!  We love you and will stand with you. Raise your sons to be men. Teach them that some people in this world don't want them to succeed, but that they WILL succeed because they are inheriting the world that their elders created.

To all of you raising black young men, I applaud your efforts. I pray for your strength...I pray for their success. God knows it's hard to raise a child PERIOD...but to raise a black boy when certain people automatically assume that they're "dangerous" is a whole different realm in itself.

Come to think of it, our young black men are VERY dangerous...

...their POTENTIAL makes them that way!

Story Time

You wanna read a fairy tale? Everyone likes fairy tales, right? Well, let me tell you one...

Once upon a time, there was a queen. Sadly, she didn't know that she was a queen. She didn't know that she deserved a king, so she settled for court jesters and commoners. One day, a king approached her. He wanted to sweep her off of her feet. His desire was to share his kingdom with her. The king told her on a constant basis how beautiful she was, and that no other woman could come close to being her. This king only had eyes for her, and she knew that. She was so used to the commoners that she couldn't understand why this king wanted her. Finally, the king gave up. He told her that he could no longer play second to a court jester. He told her that she was a queen, and she should act as such. He left her...alone. At that moment, the queen realized that she was royalty, and decided to reclaim her throne.

Were you expecting a happy ending? I mean, it has one, just not the one that you wanted.

But did you get it? No? Let me try this...

I don't think that we as women know that we're descendants of royalty. I think that we feel that we can't get any better than the court jester, so we settle for them and the bullshit jokes that they tell. At some point, we have to understand that we shouldn't be crying the way that we do behind men who only care about themselves. We have to know that we deserve more for our lives. 

We settle because we think that there aren't any "good men" out there. We confine ourselves to a box because of our circumstances...our town...our physical appearance. We think that only a certain type of man would want us. I'm here to tell you that I've had men from every walk of life try to get with me: short, tall, broke, business owners, fat, fine as hell...

...my GOD fine as hell....oh wait...I lost focus... 

...ok....I'm back.

What I'm saying is that you must have the confidence to know that you are a great catch. YOU have to believe it, because if you don't, then that man that you're looking at won't. Pick your head up, throw those shoulders back, and put on that smile. Whether you know it or not, someone is watching you.
  
Learn to love yourselves. I'm learning to love myself all over again. There was a period of time that I couldn't stand who I saw in the mirror. I would ask that sucka "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the prettiest of them all?" It would never respond. Finally I asked this question, "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the most BEAUTIFUL of them all?" The mirror responded with a smile...MY smile. Anyone can tell you that you're pretty...beautiful is something totally different. I had to remind myself how beautiful that I was, inside and out. And that is when the loving myself process started all over again.

I had to remind myself that I'm royalty. I'm a queen. I'm the mother of a princess. I deserve the best and she deserves to see what a king looks like. 

(I mean...I don't have my king YET, but he's coming....LOL)

 I'm a queen. Maybe you didn't understand that...

I AM A QUEEN!!!!!

...and you WILL treat me as such!!!

Life is a Highway

Before I begin, understand that this blog is VERY random. I have a lot on my mind. There is no rhyme or reason to this. If you choose to keep reading, cool. If not, who cares? 

Can it be that it was all so simple?

Nope. It never is. As much as you want it to be, it never truly is.

Understand this: just because YOU want it simple, doesn't mean that the people in your life wants it that way. Some people just love drama. It's who they are. Some people will purposely make things complicated just so that they can have drama. They love it. They crave it. They NEED it. And when you're around someone who's like that, you should just move around, right?

It's not that simple. When you've been around people for so long, or if you've been in a relationship for a while, you don't want to leave them on the side of the road. The question is this: how can you move forward to your destination if they need help all of the time? You can't. You have to let them figure out how to move on their own. It's not that you don't want for them to reach their destination, but you have to know that you have a different stop than they do. So you keep moving. And you will hurt. You will hurt because you want that person to move with you. And it's ok to hurt. But it's NOT ok to stay stuck in traffic, feel me? Your path is yours. Their path is theirs. 

Another thing: I'll be 40 next April. I've either become extremely grouchy, or I can't deal with stupid shit. I have told several people not to even talk to me because you won't like my opinion. The minute that you say "what do you think I should do?", I'm going to tell you. You won't like my response. In fact, you'll probably hate it. NOT MY PROBLEM!!!! I've been side-eyeing people a lot. I'm trying not to ask "are you a fucking idiot??", because I swear that they are. When I walk away, people think that I'm being silly. I'm trying to save you from getting this work. My mouth is very fly, so it's best that I move around. Otherwise, you'll be upset with me...not that I care...but I'm just saying....

Recently, I've been judged on my past. I've done some shit that wasn't right. I've done shit that was downright stupid and selfish. If I even TOUCHED on the shit that I've done, most of you wouldn't talk to my ass anymore. But you know what??? IT'S MY SHIT!!!!  I can own up to my mistakes...my past. And that's just what it is...MY PAST!!!  My past has brought me to where I am today. The thing about my past is this: I can teach others from my mistakes. That's what you should know about Misty: I'm not going to speak on anything that I haven't gone through. My past has taught me who I was, who I am, and who I'm destined to be. But go ahead, keep judging. It's ok. I'm woman enough to know that I've pulled some bullshit stunts, but I've matured and overcome them all. The first step is admitting that you've done wrong. Hey...most folks can't do that shit though. *shrugs*

I recently asked God to do something. He's doing it. And the way that He did it really messed my head up. I'm listening though. I got You. I'm going to be wherever You lead me.

(Yes, I went from cussing to God. I'm being worked on. Shut up.)

There's so much shit that I want to say, but I don't. Yes, even I know how to shut the fuck up sometimes. I'll just look and smile. It's my filter. It's the way that I step back and say, "Say girl, you'd better leave that thought in your damn head!" Not too many people get to enjoy who I truly am, simply because people aren't brave enough to do so. I'm more than what you see on social media. I'm more than what you've heard about me. You wanna know about Misty, then ASK MISTY. Plain and simple.

By the way, I miss my kid. She's a good girl. Truth be known, I miss her little friends too. Those girls have their heads on straight. I pray that they stay that way.

This randomness has made my head hurt. I thought that this would make me feel better. It didn't.  But it's out there now. Fuck it. Whatever. I'm going study.

It's been a minute since I've written anything. Well, it's been longer than a minute. Things have happened...things have changed. I don't even know what I'm going to write about. So, I'll just say that this is extremely random.

Hey, that's who I am, right?  So....let's go!

The kid is officially a college freshman! *insert applause here*  I'm proud of her. She's showing her independent nature. I love that about her. I can't lie, I miss seeing her face. It's not the same without her being around. Her laughter is what makes me smile. Knowing that she's striving to meet her goals makes me smile even more.

So apparently I've been extremely mean lately. It's not intentional. I'm thinking that now that I'm about to turn 40 next year, my tolerance for bullshit is at an all time low. I try not to say anything. I'm becoming very good at it. BUT, once you ask me "what do you think?", all bets are off. I wouldn't even ask me that question. More than likely you won't like my answer. You want me to agree with you. I can't. I won't. I'm going to give it to you straight, no chaser. And why ask me? You're going to do what you want to do anyway? Stop wasting BOTH of our time. SMDH

What???

I don't know why I'm writing this. I have no idea what I'm about to say. My soul feels like writing, so I am. Maybe I have something to purge & I don't know how to let it out. Let's see how this goes...

Lately, I've been making my friends & loved ones hold themselves accountable for their decisions. I can no longer pacify people, including myself. I want the people that are close to me to force themselves to go to the next level, & not take a lifetime to do so. I'm 38 years old & I've procrastinated most of my life. And for what? Life just passed me by. And now, I'm back in school...again...while my child is preparing to graduate from high school. Who does that? Don't get me wrong, I'm loving the decision that I've made, but I should have done this a LONG time ago. I could say that "life happened", but it would be an excuse. I've given so many excuses in my life. I'm not about to sit around & allow my friends to do the same. It's begun to hurt me to see my friends hurting. And now, because I'm giving them "tough love", I think they're beginning to resent me. Don't get it twisted, I don't give a damn if they're resenting me. I'd rather them hate me than for them to keep making the same mistakes over & over again...

....I'm guilty of that shit. All that it does is cause more pain. If you can stop the pain, then do so. Don't just put a band-aid over it & keep pulling it off of the wound. That shit hurts.

Then there's the negative people. OMG I become ill around people like that! And to think, I was once one of those people!!!  Let me thank GOD that He's helping me change my thinking!!!  I think it was why I was constantly having migraines...why my life wasn't going right...why I put up with just anything. I had to learn to love ME again. Now, let's get one thing out of the way, just because I'm learning to love me again, it's NOT an excuse as to why I'm single. Oh HELL NAW!!! WHEN a good man comes my way, I'm going to pull out my resume & show him why I'm the right candidate for the job. KMSL!!!!

I've made my share of mistakes. There's one that I've been beating myself up over for a while now. I know that I shouldn't. It is what it is. I can't help but be upset with myself about it. It's my little secret. I'll speak on it eventually, I guess. As for now, I have to stop giving myself a black eye because of this. I have to tell myself that it's a lesson learned, as everything in life is. *shrugs*

If you're close to me, understand that this is who I am now. I can no longer sit & watch someone be unhappy. Me being who I am, I want for everyone to smile. It USED to be that I would be sad & never show it so that others could be happy. I'm not sacrificing my happiness anymore. Selfish? Yep...it damn sure is! However, someone close told me one day that I need to become more selfish...so I am. 

Wait...that whole last paragraph was random. Let me try to focus again...

I'm going to call you out on your shit. I think the rational me has left the building. People don't understand being rational. Sometimes you have to say things differently in order for people to get the true meaning of what you're trying to convey.  So, I'm going a different route. I'm going to be more blunt in CERTAIN situations. If you're looking for sympathy, I don't have it. That part of me is busted. 

I guess that I just had to ramble for a bit. If you read this thinking, "what was her point?"....well...sometimes I don't need one. Sometimes, I just need to rant about absolutely nothing. Ah well!

You THINK You Need It

It took me a minute to write this one. I had to do some serious thinking, because I know that many won't understand this blog. Let me rephrase that...it's not that people WON'T understand it, it's that people don't really want to do so. Let's start off with a vocabulary lesson, shall we?

closure - (noun) 1. The act of closing or the state of being closed.
                         2. Something that closes or shuts.
                         3. A bringing to an end; a conclusion.
                         4. the property of being mathematically closed.

I'm going to focus on the third meaning of this word. 

People always say "I need closure" or "I'll be at peace when I get closure". It's human nature to want closure about things, whether it's relationships, deaths, or trying to get an understanding about what happened with a certain situation. Here's the thing about closure:

You may never get it.

Ever.

Ever...in...life.

Follow me for a minute: let's say that your relationship ended abruptly. You never saw it coming. You were shocked, & you're sitting there trying to figure out what happened. Why did it happen? What did you do wrong? You go from the first day that you met until the day that it ended, trying to figure out why that person no longer wants you. All of a sudden you decide that you need closure. One question for you: what if that person doesn't want to give you the closure that you think that you deserve? Are you going to stop living your life because you didn't get that closure from that person? 

(ok, that was two questions, but you get my point)

Although it feels like it at the time, you can't stop your life because you didn't get that closure. It's life. Life happens.

Something else that you should ponder: maybe, just maybe, God is saving you from a deeper hurt by NOT giving you the closure that you feel you need. That "closure" could be the worst thing that's ever happened to you. It may bring forth other issues that you're not mentally or emotionally ready to handle. It's God's way of protecting you.  

Here's my point: sometimes not getting closure IS your closure.

Does that make sense? You can't go through life thinking "If I had just gotten that closure I'd be doing something different" or "I needed that closure to move on". No you don't. You need the strength that God gave you to move on. That's it. Nothing else. 

Be at peace about not having closure. You may have no other choice. 

(And this is the way that I'm ending this blog. This is my blog closure. I didn't know any other way to end it this time. LOL)

My Super Hero

It's the first blog of 2014, which means I made it through 2013!

I can't say that I wasn't ready for the year to end, because I was. For some reason, the end of each year ends shitty for me. It never fails. Something always happens to me at the end of the year. I might speak on it, I might not...but something ALWAYS happens to me. This year, it happened again. Too much happened. I almost broke...ALMOST. I can't let that happen though. Not me.

2014 has already started off terribly. Now, don't get me wrong, I know that I'm blessed, but I also know that I could have handled a lot of things differently.

Wait...I just lost my train of thought. Morgan is singing a Beyonce' song, "Superpower"...and she's singing it so beautifully. WOW!!!!

Now here's where my A.D.D. kicks in. (My friends & I always clown about us all having A.D.D....lol)  Just when I was about to write about something, my thoughts have changed.

This child of mine. My only daughter. My beautiful angel. My teenager. My strength. My love. My comedian. My realist. My sanity....

....graduates June 5, 2014.

For 17 years, I've watched this child in amazement. I know what you're thinking: what parent doesn't think that they're child is great??  And that's true! However, you have to hear my daughter to understand.

She's wise beyond her years. There's no gray area with her. It's black or it's white. It's right or wrong. And, as harsh as her words may come out, she speaks nothing but the honest truth. And if you can't handle that, she doesn't care. She'll tell you that's YOUR problem, not hers.

I wonder if she knows how many tears that I've shed already because I know her big day is coming up. What she DOESN'T know is that I am praying that she goes further than I have in education. Let's be real about this: anyone can graduate high school...graduating college is a CHOICE. I constantly tell her to be better than her "ma". Ma just decided to go back to school last semester. I tell her all of the time that I'm so proud of her, because I am. My honor roll student...and, if I have any say in it, my future psychologist!!!!  (She's majoring in forensic psychology...WOW!!!!)

I'm going to miss her laugh when she leaves for college. She has this big laugh that makes ME laugh. I'm going to miss our silly conversations about everything....and nothing. Her insight on things makes me think. She's just...wonderful!

For now, I'm going to cherish these moments. I have to say, I'm blessed. I haven't had any major trouble out of her (except for the usual teenage shit...but who doesn't go through that?). She's well-rounded, & even though she comes across as "mean", she's one of the most caring people that I know.

So, if you see me crying & smiling at the same time, it's because of her. It's because I'm a proud ma. I thought that I had prepared myself for this year, but I haven't. I'm sure that my emotions will be all over the place, but I know that the end result is going to be worth the tears.

I know one damn thing though....if she doesn't turn off this damn "Drunk In Love" I'm going to throw this laptop at her!!!  (She's playing it & laughing because she knows that it gets on my nerves.)

**Pumpkin, if you EVER read this blog, know that I've loved you from the first moment that I laid eyes on you. Your smile lights up my heart, those silly looks of yours keeps me laughing, your intellect amazes me. You are the BEST thing that's ever happened to me. I honestly don't know where I would be if God hadn't blessed me with you. You will never feel unloved because MA LOVES YOU TO LIFE!!! **

Changing This Settling Mentality

So recently, someone told me that I've changed.

I could have argued them down, told them that they were full of shit, & moved on....but I didn't....

...because that person is right.

I have indeed changed. It's a change that I should've done a LONG time ago. Just like most people, I hate change. No, seriously...I HATE it.

If you don't change, you don't grow. Well....hopefully you'll grow.

I've changed. I'm doing something that I never wanted to do as an adult. I'm growing up. Sounds silly, right? Think about it...we spend our teenage years saying we can't wait to be an adult, only to realize that being an adult is the hardest thing we'll ever do. It's hard because of the decisions that we make...and I've made some fucked up decisions that have come back to take a chunk out of my already flat ass.

I've changed. I want more out of life. I want more FOR my life. And, better yet, I DESERVE more out of my life. I've settled for way too long. I've settled in every area of my life, physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally...and at the age of 38, I've fucked off my life for too damn long. I can't keep doing that. I don't know how much longer God has given me to be here on this earth.

I've changed. That whole settling thing is bothering me more than normal lately. I've looked in the mirror & I've cried so many tears about things that I could start another ocean. You'd never know it though. I hide it well. My makeup addiction helps with that. I look at this child of mine & I'm pretty sure that I've inadvertently taught her how to settle. Nope. Can't do that anymore. She's all that I have. She is the closest thing to perfection that I've done in my life. I will NOT have her settle.

I've changed. I think it's why I chose to go back to school. I tell Morgan constantly that I don't want her to EVER be like her mom. I want her BETTER than me. She knows that the decision to go back to school was a tough one, but she looks at me & I can tell that she's proud of me. I want for her to graduate & then go on to get her Masters. I don't want for her to settle for a job when she can have a career. She deserves better, & I'm damn sure going to make sure that she does so!

I've changed. I'm requiring more from the people in my life. My friends have been saying that I fuss more, and I am. I don't want for them to make the mistakes that I've made. I don't want for them to endure the pain that I have, because I've settled. I want for them to understand that there ARE better things out there in the world. It's a damn shame that I had to realize this at the age of 38. I want for them to understand that my eyes have been opened to something bigger & better. They need to understand it NOW before they are like me...realizing that I'm older & wondering where my life has gone.

I've changed. I'm craving more than what I've accepted in my life. (and I've accepted a lot of bullshit) I can only blame myself for that shit. I'm not going to continue to be that woman. I deserve better than I've had. I'm becoming more vocal about things. If you don't like it, well, you can kiss my whole wide ass & kick rocks. I no longer care. If it's not about my well-being, then move around.

I've changed. My old ass, with my trick knee, smart ass mouth & all, is going to get out there & get what she deserves in life. Better late than never, right?

I've waited long enough. I'm doing what's right for MISTY. If you can't handle the change, then I'm sorry. I can no longer sit around & cry over things that I clearly HAVE control over. I have a life to live. God gave me this life 38 years ago, & it's about time that I showed Him how grateful that I am for this life...by LIVING it for ME.

My Little (Big) Secret

So this blog is going to take a lot out of me. It's one that I've been debating about for a very long time. I guess that I was worried about people judging me because of it, but it is a part of me & it's something that I have to release. I've kept this in for too long, & I'm realizing that this isn't healthy, not for a certain part of my life anyway. So...here goes nothing....

...for most of my dating life, I've been the other woman.

I can hear you now, calling me everything but a child of God. Unlike most people though, I can admit my sins & take responsibility for them.

The first guy that I fell in love with had a girlfriend. (I didn't know it at the time though.) My baby daddy? He was dating someone else & I didn't know it until I was too far gone to let go. Then I left him, he left her, he came back for me, we were a couple, had a baby, I left him, & he left his daughter...fuck my life.

Now, don't get it twisted, I was never one of those who called the house or anything like that. It was enough that I was disrespecting the relationship by just being with the man. I never wanted to meet the kids, never went to the house, never met the family...none of that. I never said anything foul or tried to approach the girlfriend/wife/significant other.

I guess you could say that I "knew my place".  It doesn't make it right, but hell, it is what it is.

It wasn't that many of them either...but it was enough. Enough for me to be ashamed of this.

It seemed like that's all that I attracted. These men made me feel special...yes I fell for the lines. Naivety at its best.

My thinking at the time was this: any issues that they had, don't bring it to me. Take it back home to the one  you truly love. I didn't have to worry about any of that stressing me out. We both know why we're here, so stop playing with my emotions & let's get down to business.

Fucked up, huh?  Yep...selfishness at its best.

Let me first say that I don't have "daddy issues". Sometimes that is the first assumption when a girl sleeps with a man that isn't hers. My daddy has always been in my life.

I guess it could be the typical "self esteem" answer too. And maybe my self-esteem was low. I haven't quite figured that part of it out yet.

What I DO know is that I only wanted one thing, & that was to feel loved & cared for...

....even if they didn't mean it.

One of them I truly loved. I often dreamed of being in his arms forever. His arms were my "safe place" from the hell that I was going through at the time. He was there for me in more ways than one could imagine. He taught me a lot about myself, & for that I'll be forever grateful.

In the end though...I wasn't who he wanted.

He married someone else.

Story of my life.

I have so much love to give...but back then, I gave it to the wrong people. I was selfish & I didn't care about anyone BUT Misty.

I keep saying this, but if karma is indeed real, she's got me in a chokehold. Someone close to me told me to stop saying that because it's that "old time religion" crap. Right now, all that I know is that I'm 38 years old & I've never had a "real" relationship. I often wonder if I'm being punished for the things that I've done in my past by being with men that weren't mine. Then again, I felt that no one really wanted to love or care for me, so I just took what I could & settled for that.

Hmmm...maybe it was my self-esteem.

I've wasted a lot of my life on this mess. I can think of at least two men who were single that truly wanted to be with me. I just never understood why they did.

I don't know what "normal" is when it comes to love. All that I know is that I deserve better than "2nd place". The sad part about this is that it took me a LONG time to understand that.

Judge me if you want. I can't write things like this & not have people make their assumptions about me. Like I said earlier, I can admit to the sins of my past.

I just have to learn not to let THIS part of my past consume me.

Forgiving Myself

Yes, I know that it's been a while since I've blogged. I haven't had the time, nor have I had anything to write about. Well I have, but it's all been jumbled. For the first time in a long time, I have some clarity about some things. I'll blog about those later. There's something that I need to get off of my chest...for Misty.

Misty...no matter what you feel...you are an awesome mother.

Pick your mouths up...there's a reason why I'm saying this.

It recently hit me that my Pumpkin is going to be a senior soon. My baby...a senior! All kinds of emotions run through my head when I think about that. I don't want to talk about those right now. What I DO want to discuss is one thing...a decision that I made a long time ago...

...the decision to sleep with her father.

Sounds messed up, right? Let me explain...

For anyone who has met Pumpkin, they know that at first, upon her meeting you, she's a quiet teenager. That's only because she's getting a feel of the people around her. Once she feels like you're "ok", she starts to relax & lets loose! She's brutally honest, a character, & a comedian. She will keep you in tears with the things that comes out of her mouth. She is, of course, my child.

I just hate the fact that I chose "him" to be her dad.

I could give you the typical "baby mama" responses. You know, the "what he doesn't do" crap. At the end of the day, I made the decision to sleep with him over 16 years ago.

At one point he was the "perfect" father...but things changed.

And before you say anything, NO, he was not always like this. There was a time when their bond was unbreakable. I still don't know what happened...or why it happened...& I may not ever understand it. But that's change, right?

Change is inevitable. Change is shocking. Change can bring you to tears...

...and that change has broken me down on numerous occasions.

I wish that I could say that I've gotten used to it...I haven't. Why you ask? Simply because my Pumpkin deserves better. She deserves a father who loves her & cares for her.

I'm not saying that he doesn't...well...I don't know what I'm saying when it comes to that.

I'm just saying that I feel like it's MY fault that she doesn't have a father in her life, because I feel like I made the wrong decision in being with him.

She has father figures, that's for sure. My dad is her partner in crime. The conversations that they have together are funny & priceless. She looks for him before she looks for me.

At the same time, she deserves her real father. I understand that it's beyond my control. I know that it has nothing to do with me. He's an adult, he has free will, & he can do what he wants. I just wish that one of them was getting to know his only child better.

Everything happens for a reason though. If I hadn't met him, if I hadn't slept with him, she wouldn't be here. She is my ONLY child. I can't birth anymore babies, so I thank God daily for her & for her love...even when she tests me.

(Hey, she IS a teenager, right??)

And for that fact...for that one decision that I made 16 years ago...I sometimes feel that I'm a bad mother. Yes, I should know better than that, but this is how I feel. So, sometimes I have to remind myself of the great job that I'm doing.

So Misty, when you look in her eyes, be reminded that she is a remarkable, intelligent, strong, hilarious, & insightful (she has words of wisdom like an elder) young woman. And she is that way IN SPITE OF not having him in her life.

With the support of your family Misty, you've done a pretty good job!

Just try it.

Today, someone gave me a compliment...

"you have a beautiful smile..."

...and he kept walking.

Now, this may mean nothing to y'all, but it meant a lot to me. He was a stranger...he's never seen me before, & he wasn't trying to "push up" on me. He just wanted me to know that my smile was beautiful.

And I needed to hear that.

Don't get me wrong, I compliment myself on a constant basis. Anyone who knows me, knows that. I think that I have the most enchanting light brown eyes in the world. (even though I can't see...lol)  However, there's NOTHING like hearing that from someone. It's even more special to me when I hear it from someone that cares about me.

I don't hear those like I used to though. I don't hear the "you look greats" anymore. I don't see a simple smile that says "hey, I can't put it into words, but you look awesome". I can't lie...I miss that. When I'm with someone & they're looking nice, I let them know. I tell them that they're looking stunning or that they're smelling great. I tell them....male or female....that they're the picture of perfection.

Who doesn't like to hear that?

Now, don't get it twisted, I don't need a compliment to survive.  I'm just saying that it's nice to hear it every now & then. 

And why DON'T we compliment people anymore??  Is it so hard to stop someone & let a woman know that her shoes are nice...or tell a man that he looks nice in that suit??  Are we so afraid that someone is going to look at us sideways & cuss us out? That ONE compliment may brighten someone's day. It may keep a smile on their face for the rest of the day. It may take them from a dark place to a beautiful one...just because you let them know that something about them stood out to you.

When I see my girls, I let them know that they're beautiful. (They're response is usually "I know!" LOL) When I see my "brothers", I tell them that they look as if they should be on the cover of GQ. It could be the way that a woman wears her makeup or her hair. It could be the way that a man smells as he passes by or the way that his Polo shirt hangs perfectly off his shoulders. If I see someone, I'll compliment them!

Stop someone & compliment them...especially if you care about them. Don't become complacent just because you've been with someone for a long time. That one compliment could become a steamy night of passion...lol.

And Misty, just in case I haven't told you, your eyes have been sparkling more & more lately, & with that smile of yours, you're bound to brighten up any room!

Fantasy & Reality

I know that one of my friends is going to hate this blog, & that's fine. I don't care. This is how I truly feel. This may be one of the most blunt things that I've written, so if you're prudish, go ahead & stop reading right now...

...you're still here? OK...well you've asked for it.

I received a drunk text the other night from someone that I hadn't heard from in a VERY long time. We all know what happens when someone drunk texts...and yeah, the text was very sexual. He said that he wanted my ass in his face. (Oh, NOW you want to stop reading, don't you? I told you that this was blunt!)  When I read the text, I wasn't shocked. It did something else to me though...it hurt me to my core. I sat in my car, in front of my house, & I cried. Not just a regular, quiet cry...I SOBBED!!! I'm talking about my eyes were puffy, nose running, short of breath...the whole nine. Why you ask? If you want to keep reading, then I'll tell you...

I started looking back on my past with men. I can't tell you the last time that I've had a REAL relationship, whatever that may be. I've had men who've had other women (I'm woman enough to admit that, & to admit that I was wrong), I've had men who "claimed" that they loved me, but never proved it, unless it was in the bed. And worst of all...I've been the "friend"..with benefits, of course.

I realized that I have been every man's fantasy. There's no other way to say it. I know how to make a man happy in the bedroom, and that's just the honest truth about it. Somehow, no matter how big of a heart that I think that I may have, it's never been good enough to be in a relationship with someone. I allow them to do what they want because I didn't feel the need to give my heart to someone. And here I am...37 years old...looking back on my life & realizing that shit hurts...it hurts like hell.

Don't get me wrong, I wanted all of this attention...I craved it...I yearned for it...and at the time...I LOVED IT!!!!  In the end, it left me empty...which is why I'm hurting now.

I am the common denominator in all of that though.

(Here's where my friend cringes...he hates it when I say "common denominator"...oh well)

When I say "common denominator", I mean that in every situation that I've been in when it comes to "relationships", every time that it's gone wrong, I am the one factor that hasn't changed. I'm the one that has been a part of all of it...and I'm the only one who can change the way that my next interaction with a man goes.

I don't want to just be a man's fantasy...I want to be his reality as well.

My gift & my curse is my big heart, so even when it was just a "sexual relationship" I made sure that the man in my life at that time was straight. They never looked out for Misty...ever. When I was ill, nothing. When I needed a shoulder to cry on, nothing. But I was strong for them....henceforth why I'm "in my feelings" now. It's ok though....I'm a big girl & I can handle it.

I have no choice.

All that I'm saying is this: at some point I had to learn to love myself more. I have to learn to be ok with being "in my feelings" because hell, I'm allowed to have them. I am worth so much more now than I was back then. I am a funny, intelligent, caring, beautiful, loving woman...and a man has to love that about me before he loves what I can do to him physically.

I am who I am...nothing more, nothing less.  Love me or leave me alone.