I'm Back...I Think

Well, hello! Yes, it's been a LOOONNNNGGGGG damn time since I've blogged...since 2017 to be exact. And, to be honest, nothing has changed. Nothing. (That's a problem woman. You have to do better.)

 Seeing that it's the 29th day of February...yep, leap year...I might as well detox some of this mess that I've been feeling. It's a lot. It's thick. It's disgusting. But hey, it's me.

Let's get some stuff out of the way, shall we?

The kid got her bachelor's degree in psychology from Prairie View A&M University in the fall of 2018. (GO PUMPKIN!) She is now pursuing her Master's degree in Human Health from Stephen F. Austin State University. I'm proud of her. Very proud!

As for her Ma, well, no degree as of yet. I'm gonna get it though. It's a goal. I wish I had known about goals when I was 18. But I digress...

...still single. I can't lie, I know HOW to be alone, but that doesn't mean that I WANT to be alone. That shit is...well...lonely. 

I got a promotion at work. I'm happy in that area of my life. I could always use more money though. Then again, we ALL could.

I've learned that I have a problem with commitment. Not just relationship wise...like, in a lot of shit. I plan the shit out, but I never commit to something to the end. I'm figuring that out. It may take time, but I'll get it together. 

I've forgiven someone...& they've forgiven me. That discussion was EXTREMELY necessary. The road to healing ain't an easy one but we both have dedicated ourselves to the healing process. There was a lot of hurt. A LOT. Soooo much was said in anger. However, we forgave each other. I think that it's something that we both needed. That may be another blog for another day.

I've had to learn my place in people's lives. I've had to learn to be ok with it. Does it hurt? Yep. However, learning what role I am in someone's life is better than NOT knowing what it is. 

Now, let's get to the good part. I'm learning to love me. I've been telling myself how awesome that I am. I've had to remind myself that I'm worth more than sex. (Once again, another blog for another day.) As I told someone last week, I'm a damn good woman, and if a man can't see that, then his ass is blind. I've had to learn to stop and breathe...take life in. I'm learning to take care of MISTY. I mean, who else is going to do it??  

I don't want to roam aimlessly through this life anymore. I have come to the realization that I need to get out more...do more. Do what interests Misty (whatever THAT is), and not worry about anyone else. My life consists of work, church, and home. I mean, there HAS to be more to life than that, right?

Let me be honest: I don't know why the hell I decided to start writing this blog. I mean, I guess that I wanted to get some stuff out, but all of this is pretty damn random. I have no rhyme or reason to this. 

But you read it. Every damn word. 

Maybe I just wanted to let y'all know that I was alive.

Now, I just need to figure out how to LIVE.

A Quick Venting Session

I know, I know. I haven't written in over a year. Look, I haven't had the urge to do so. It is what it is.

I was triggered today though. I've got a LOT on my mind and heart. None of this will make any sense. And this might not be what you need to read, but it's what I'm feeling. So you have a choice, either you can continue to read or you can stop reading right now. Either way, I'm going to write and this will have some words in it that you might be offended by. I'll give you about five seconds for you to make your decision.

1...2...3...4...5...

...you're still here huh? OK...whatever.

This year has been HELL on me emotionally. I've shed so many tears that I wanted to snatch my tear ducts out so that I wouldn't cry anymore. I've traveled down roads that I shouldn't have. I've had so many negative thoughts that at one point it was hard for me to get out of bed in the morning.

You wouldn't know it though. I hide shit well. 

See, I have to. I have no choice. You all think that I'm "happy go lucky" every day. I'm not. I'm human. I have faults. I make mistakes. I'm definitely not perfect. When I ask people "why do you even talk to me", I mean that shit. Really...why do you? I make everyone smile. I make people happy. I've even had people inbox me telling me that reading my posts on Facebook has gotten them through some tough times, especially through Harvey. (And believe me, I have no problem with that...a part of me feels like it is my "ministry".) Sometimes though, my life gets HARD. I play that shit off though. I know where I could be, and I know where I HAVE been. It's been so bad this year that I even considered moving back home to P.A. I can't though. I can't let whatever is getting to me beat me. I have to remind myself daily that I'm stronger than what I feel. So, I'm still here...dammit.

Then there's this part of me that gets lonely. (Cue Janet Jackson's "I Get Lonely") I've considered a puppy, but hell, that's like having another kid. And, even with that lonely shit, people come and talk to me about their fucked up relationships. Listen, I get all of that, but can a girl get a chance though? There's another aspect to this...I know that I'm the issue. I could probably have a man, but I don't want to settle for certain shit, like, someone who thinks that they're better than me, he has a crazy ex, mediocre sex...that last one is very important to me. Judge me if you want to, but I can't see myself having bad sex for the rest of my life. I know me. I'll cheat. And don't say that "teach him what you want" bullshit. He should know how to do the basics already. If he can't do the basics, then I'm out. 

Look, a sister got needs, and it's not just dick. I'm not saying all of what they are so that you fuckers can go and try to play Love Connection in this bitch. Like I said, I'm venting. 

Hold please. I need to take a sip of this blueberry vodka. 

Ahhh...I'm back.

People think that I'm playing when I say that I want Pumpkin to be better than me. I'm not just talking about professionally. I'm talking about in ALL areas in her life. I pray for her constant success. I want her to get the career of her dreams. I never want her to struggle. I pray that she always has MORE than enough, & that she knows that she is a QUEEN.  I want her to be with someone who's going to take care of her, respect her, and love her in good times and bad. I never want her to know what it feels like to be lonely, BUT I DO want her to know HOW to be alone. (Because there are a lot of y'all that have a relationship, but you're still lonely...but that's another blog for another day.) I want for her to go to the store and get whatever sneakers that she wants. You know, goals. 

I wish that I had goals when I was younger. Maybe I wouldn't be like this now. Drinking blueberry vodka and lemonade...venting nshit.

You see, I will never understand why any of you choose to talk to me. I have issues. Major ones. I don't know why y'all come to me for advice, especially when I need someone to help me. But I will NEVER stop someone from coming to me and getting shit off of their chest. I know that people just want someone to listen. I'm here...unless someone has unloaded TOO much on me. I have to keep a little sanity.

Like I said earlier, this year hasn't been kind to me emotionally. It's been one of the worst ones that I can remember. I've attempted to push people away, but they wouldn't have it. I've cussed people out JUST so that they would have a reason to stay away from me. They wouldn't. One even drove from another side of town just to hug me. It was the ONE time that I had broken down to anyone that was outside of my "circle". (My people are pretty awesome, huh?)I was allowed to be vulnerable. I need to stop trying to be strong all of the time and remember that I'm NOT Wonder Woman.

By the way, I truly love Eminem's new song "Walk On Water". (Lawd, let me add "featuring Beyonce'" before that fake ass hive comes for me.) I don't think that anyone has actually listened to the lyrics of that song. When she sings "' cause I'm only human, just like you, making my mistakes, oh if you only knew...I don't think you should believe in me the way that you do, 'cause I'm terrified to let you down..." I FELT THAT WITH EVERY PART OF ME!!!

That was random. So what. Just was throwing that part out there.

I have to keep in mind that I've gotten through my worse days, and I can get through everything. 

EVERYTHING.

I told y'all...just venting. None of this shit made any fucking sense. Whatever.

Besides, I'm out of vodka. 

Java Woes

At work we have a new coffee machine. We got it about 2 months ago. It gives you eight different options for coffee and also gives you hot chocolate. It tastes great. I've tried every last one of them...

...I hate that machine.

I know that you're wondering where I'm going with this. Just roll with me for a second...

You see, I'm the one that does the maintenance on that machine. And that machine is high maintenance. VERY high maintenance. See, with eight different options, it's a lot of cleaning involved. I have to fill that wretched thing almost twice daily. It's like a printer. Every last cartridge has to be filled or it won't work properly. It's stressful. What aggravates me is when people lose their minds when it's not filled. "MISTY!!!!  The coffee machine isn't working!"  What REALLY grinds my gears is when people are staring at me when I'm filling it. Get out of my personal space dammit!

I hate that thing. 

(You still with me? OK, cool. Keep rolling with me.)

In front of that machine, almost daily, I contemplate every bad decision that I've ever made in my life...and there have been many. My coworkers have said that my face looks totally different when I'm in front of that thing. I've been so upset by this damn coffee machine that I've called Morgan and told her that this fucking machine is a reason for her to stay in school and get her degree. She will NOT be in front of a coffee machine trying to figure out how in the hell she got here. 

I've thought about the fact that I didn't finish school...the people that I gave my time and attention to....the bad food that I've eaten...the men that I've slept with....opportunities not taken. All of that shit.

And I pissed myself off. Damn near to the verge of tears.

I wonder if the baristas at Starbucks feel this way...

...doesn't matter. This is about me. Me and my shit. And I'm owning that shit. That's what I do. Own my mistakes. No matter how painful it may be, it's mine.

So here's the thing: I have to let that go. It's my past. I can't change that, but I can do something about the rest of my life. I'm taking steps in the right direction, but at 41 years old, these things should have been done a long time ago. I've procrastinated, let things cloud my vision, and sometimes I was just downright lazy. Fear used to play a big part in my decisions as well. And where has all of this gotten me??

Standing in front of a coffee machine. Mad as hell. At the machine, and at myself. 

I going to start looking at it like this: my decisions are like the coffee. Sometimes it takes a little longer to brew. But that aroma (my success in life, education, love, etc.) smells so divine, and when I take that first sip, it's going to taste like heaven.

I can't wait to see what my coffee is going to taste like.

(I still hate that machine though. That's the honest damn truth.)

 

Trying to Kick Rocks

*blows dust off of laptop*

Water? Check.

Music? Check. 

*takes a deep breath*

It's been a minute. A long minute. A lot has happened. Just couldn't put my thoughts into words. Truth be told, I'm not sure if I can do it now.  This is an ATTEMPT, so take it for what it's worth.

My blogs have always been my release...my truths...my way to get through this thing called life. I just, well, somewhere this year, I stopped caring. About life, about myself. Now, don't get me wrong, I've had a very good first half of  2015. I turned 40, moved, and started a new job all in one week. I can safely say that I LOVE my job, LOVE my new city (well, my 2nd home), and I LOVE the fact that my daughter is now a sophomore at Prairie View A&M University. I watched my niece become valedictorian of her high school, and go to Howard University. I also welcomed my newest love...another niece (my doll!). And I also witnessed my baby sister get married to the love of her life. That was pretty freaking awesome! 

It was what happened in the middle that kinda fucked me up.

My foot. My right foot. Fucked...off.

It was a freak accident.  I tore the long tendon in my foot. It usually only happens in athletes, and we ALL know that I'm not an athlete. Only I could do some shit like that. I've realized that I'll have to have surgery. I can't fight it. It stays swollen. I can't wear heels. I often look at it in disgust. I didn't realize how much that this injury has brought me down until recently...when a good friend put it in my face. She told me that I haven't been the same since it happened, that my positive attitude has gone & that I don't smile like I used to. 

She's right.  I don't. It's like, I messed this foot up, and my give-a-damn went right out the window. I'm trying to retrain my mind right now to get back to who I used to be..or a better version of her. This shit has fucked me up...badly. I've cried tears that no one has seen. I'm independent. TOO independent...and that, in itself, has been a gift and a curse.

I'm saying all of this for a reason. I've avoided the notion of surgery because of two reasons:

1. I don't have enough time to take off from work yet...and...
2. I don't have anyone to be there for me.

Now, before you all go and say some shit like, "but you have friends and family"...yes, I do. I know this already. That's not what I mean. 

At the age of 40, I sometimes feel that I shouldn't be single. Now, I've had men come in my life, but something always happens, or something turns me off. I feel that, at this point in my life, I should have someone consistent in my life who will be there when I need them. (My big brothers don't count.) It scares me to have to go through a surgery and not having someone there taking care of me afterwards. This may seem silly to y'all, but fuck it. This is how I feel. 

Now, don't get it twisted, I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm just stating facts. 

Then again...maybe it's me.  Maybe I should change who I am. Maybe I'm too much. I love to laugh, I tell corny jokes...my laugh is boisterous. Maybe I should just be quiet...know my place as a woman. Change my heart and my head so that I can get a man...

...naw, fuck that. This is me, this is who I am. As much as I am all of those things above, I'm also a loyal, kind woman. I listen...well. I have a big heart that will give anyone my last. And that's not saying that I wouldn't be submissive to a man (that's another blog for another day), but it has to be for the RIGHT man. I've spoken to someone in great detail about this, but I think that at the time, he didn't get what I was trying to say...and I don't know if he knew it at the time, but I was in tears while discussing it with him. 

It's hard for me to have weak moments, because I'm so strong for everyone else. (Once again, another blog, another day.) My weak moments are BAD. People never see them. My own closest friends RARELY see them. I hide them well. It could be a moment in the shower. I've even parked my car in a parking lot and just let the tears flow. I release it and try to keep moving. This foot though...

...this...damn....foot.

What I've told myself is that I have to keep it moving, bad foot and all. It's a must that I keep pushing, even if I'm limping. I've constantly told people that, no matter what happens, I'm a big girl, and I'll be ok. And I will be. It'll take me some time, but I will be.

(This blog was a whole lot of nothing. Ramblings. Nothingness. But it made me feel better. It served its purpose.)

My "I'm Turning 40" Rant

I know, I know. It's been a while since I've written. Truth be known, I was going to wait until next week to write this, seeing that I'll be turning 40 then. I had some time to think about some things last night, but I didn't have my computer handy. 

I've been contemplating my life. I mean, I'm turning 40...40! I'm a bit excited about it too. I've got to admit, I've put myself through some unnecessary bullshit in my adult life. If I'm going to be honest about it (and we all know that I am), I've slept with the devil on MANY occasions. I knew better. I wanted to do better, but I felt that I COULDN'T do better. I settled for him, for his lies. He would whisper in my ears on a constant basis...telling me that I should just be happy for what I have, whether it was a job or a relationship. And, I hurt. Settling made me...hurt. I remember saying to myself that I should just deal with the hurt because this is my life. Then I remembered...

Proverbs 18:21 - "Death and life are in the power of the tongue"

(No, I'm not about to get all "holy" on y'all...I've got a point to prove though.)

So I started speaking LIFE into my LIFE. Slowly, but surely, my life started changing. I didn't drop as many tears. I began to laugh more. And that smile of mine has gotten HUGE. I removed the negative, added the positive, and watched the sun shine brightly on my life.

Let's get to the kid for a second. Y'all know how much that I love my Pumpkin. She's doing well at Prairie View. She's so freaking funny. If I need a laugh, I call her. She's got goals. She's let me know that she's going to get this degree. And you know what? Ma's going to make sure of that. She informed me that I have to keep going to get mine, and I am. No doubt about that. It's going to take me a minute, but I'm GOING to get it.

I'm in a good place in my life. I can look around and smile. I can pick my head up and see my future. Some days, that strut of mine is like I'm a model on a runway...and you can't tell me shit! Even those days where I don't have any makeup on, I feel great about myself. And if I don't love me, no one else will.

Now, that's not saying that I don't have bad days, because I do. I just approach them differently. I tell Pumpkin all of the time: either you can stand up or stay down. I don't have time to stay down. I've got goals to accomplish.

There are people in my life that have changed my outlook on things. Some have been there forever, some have just entered, and some have been a total surprise. The point is that in some way, shape, or form, they've had a positive impact on my life. I've been blessed with them. I'm thankful for them. They are my support system...my major players...and they are always in my prayers.

So, as I prepare to turn 40 on April 7th, I'm thankful....

I'm thankful that I gave birth at the age of 21, because this child of mine saved my life. Watching her I see what strength is. I'm in awe of her daily.

I'm thankful for my siblings, because, even though I'm the oldest, I look up to them. 

I'm thankful for my parents, because they have shown me what love is.

I'm thankful for my niece, because she shows me how to be humble.

I'm thankful for my crew, because they keep me laughing when I don't want to. (What do you call a deer with no eyes? I have NO eye-deer!!! LMAOOOO)

I'm thankful for my friends, near and far, because they have loved me through the years...and miles.

I'm thankful for every mistake that I've made, because I learned what not to do.

I'm thankful for the broken hearts, the abusive words...because it made me stronger and made me realize that I'm soooooo much better than that. 

Most of all, I'm thankful for God's grace and mercy. I'm not worthy. Not at all. I sin daily. Yet and still, He tells me "hey...watch this!" and constantly blesses me. 

Excuse me as I do this praise dance. At the age of 40, things are changing for me. I'm walking into my season, and I'm THANKFUL for every step of the way!!!

Come on 40...LET'S GO!!!!! 

(And did I mention that I look GOOD for 40????  Well, I DO!!!!)

Fantasy & Reality...Part 2

It's been a while since I've blogged. I've had a lot on my heart and mind, I just didn't know how to put it into words. I guess that I should start off by saying Happy New Year, but we're almost into the second month of the year. No sense in saying it now.

I've been revisiting some of my past blogs tonight, mainly because of a phone call that I received from someone today. The blog that I was searching for was titled "Fantasy & Reality". If you haven't read it, you can now. You may need it for the rest of this particular blog...

http://mypreciouzlove.blogspot.com/2012/11/fantasy-reality.html


You know, there are some things that I've done in my life that I'm not proud of. I've always told my parents that I could never run for public office. I have some things out there. (I'll let your imaginations run wild.) My past is...my past...or at least it should be. I think that certain people remember me for the things that I've done in my past...with them. The fact is that I did what I had to do to survive. Could I have called my family? Of course I could have. Did I want to? No. I wanted to do things by myself. 

But that is neither here nor there...

What I got asked for wasn't sex, but sexual in nature. I was speechless but not shocked, not coming from this particular person. Now, keep in mind that I've done nothing with this person in YEARS...which brings me back to the Fantasy & Reality thing. Somewhere along the line, I grew up. I matured. And, most importantly, I realized my worth. I'm not the same person that I was years ago. I'm not that woman. Truth be known, in certain areas of my life, I'm not the same woman that I was last year. (That may be another blog for another day.) So, for that person to say those things to me like I was that person way back when, I became insulted, and I let him know that I was. I received all kinds of apologies, but by that time, I was done. I wasn't ugly about it. I just said what I had to and moved on. 

You see, I've had to purge myself of negative energy. It was something necessary for MISTY. I stopped allowing negative energy INSIDE of me. You have to watch who you connect with physically. You never know what they have going on with them. You have to be extremely careful with that. I've become more selective in my "old age". Don't get me wrong, I DO crave that physical attention, but at the same time, I want MORE than that. I've got a lot of love to give, and I'm sure that someone is out there that is deserving of my love. BUT I'm not going to give my "honey comb hideout" to just anybody. I don't care if you can slang that meat better than a butcher, if I feel your negative energy, I'll keep my sweet fruits to myself. 

I'm stronger than I was in the past (at least I feel that way...lol).  I'm different...mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. If you're looking for that GIRL from years ago, she's not here. If you're going to judge me on my past, that's fine. You can hold on to those old memories of me, when I was someone's fantasy. Just know that I don't have to allow you in my present...or my PRESENCE...

...and THAT is MY reality.

Potentially Dangerous

So, as I'm perusing through Facebook last night, I come across a status that, well, was a bit unexpected. It was a man who said that he was being stopped by the police, and if anyone didn't hear from him, to call his mom. At first, I think that all of his FB friends thought that the post was made in jest because of the "hold it down" hashtag. Unfortunately, he was very serious. He admitted that he was speeding. He also questioned them. (And we all know that you're not supposed to question "authority"...smh) Speeding, however, did not justify the attitude of the officer, the police handcuffing him, "searching" (tearing up) his car for drugs (of course), only to find out that he had nothing. The officer just should have given him a ticket and sent him on his way. This man would have been pissed about the ticket...who wouldn't be....but he wouldn't be as pissed as he is right now.

I bet you're thinking, "she's about to make a "driving while black" post.

You're wrong.

...follow me.

This post made me think back to a conversation that I had with a man when everything with Michael Brown's shooting in Ferguson happened. We're discussing the shooting. Something made us change subjects. Then, five minutes later, he asks me this:

"Why are they so scared of us?"

"Us" meaning black men.

YOUNG black men.

I heard something in his voice. It was concern. He was concerned because he is raising young black men.  And he has every right to be concerned.

I revisited that question when I woke up this morning and read the posts on that Facebook status. Here's my answer. I'm not saying that I'm right, but hey, it's MY blog and it's MY opinion. So here goes...

Let's be honest: as soon as a birth certificate is made and the sex says "MALE" and the race says "BLACK", they're considered dangerous.  This newborn boy, who can't focus yet, who doesn't know how to talk, who can only communicate by crying, is considered "dangerous". He can't walk, but he's dangerous. That birth certificate alone strikes fear into people...all because he's a black male.

OVERstand this: don't ever for ONE second think that they don't know our history! THEY KNOW OUR HISTORY BETTER THAN WE DO!!!! Why? Because they've been trying to hide our history from us forever!! They KNOW that we're the first man to walk this earth. They KNOW that we're inventors. They KNOW that  we are intelligent. They KNOW that no matter how much they try to break us down, we continue to stand taller with our heads held high. They KNOW that our black man is wanted...

....and hated at the same damn time.

They hate them, but want to be them. They want their style, their look, their demeanor. They want their women.

I want for my black men to understand that you were a king then, and you're a king now. Stand up and take your rightful place as the head of this world! The world that was created by the sweat of your brow, and the pain in your backs. The world that has attempted to turn your black woman against you. My men, WE STILL LOVE YOU!!!  We love you and will stand with you. Raise your sons to be men. Teach them that some people in this world don't want them to succeed, but that they WILL succeed because they are inheriting the world that their elders created.

To all of you raising black young men, I applaud your efforts. I pray for your strength...I pray for their success. God knows it's hard to raise a child PERIOD...but to raise a black boy when certain people automatically assume that they're "dangerous" is a whole different realm in itself.

Come to think of it, our young black men are VERY dangerous...

...their POTENTIAL makes them that way!